I wanted to write a retrospective on 2015.  I wanted it to be poignant and thoughtful and heart felt.  The problem is, I don't remember much of it!  When I look back in my mind through the past year, not much really stands out.  Maybe that's just as well.  Anyway, I am just going to do a stream of consciousness thing and see what happens.

I guess the biggest thing going on last year was the continuing unraveling of my relationship with T.  It's really hard to pinpoint the real cause.  It consisted mostly of failures of communication that lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, unrealized or unspoken expectations of each other, and the enormous impact T's surgery and subsequent healing had on an already faltering relationship.  We struggled a lot last winter and through the spring to find some way of being together that didn't result in bad feelings.  Intimacy, physical and emotional were rapidly dwindling.  Our sex life was non existent since our trip to Shawnee last October.  But neither of us really seemed to be bothered by that.  We struggled through, having some close times, but mostly just okay times and some really bad times.   Horrible fights, where I, I am ashamed to say, totally lost my temper with the sheer frustration of trying communicate with someone who was not on the same wavelength as me, and who refused to express her true feelings.   My anger shut her down more, and her shutting down made me angrier.  I felt she was game playing, unable to tell me what she wanted until it was too late for me to give it to her.  Talking in riddles leaving to me guess the hidden message and often failing.  She felt I was too impatient with her.  And she was struggling with a lot of issues and had no emotional resources left for me or anything I might have been going through.  By the time she had her surgery in July we were in serious trouble.  The relationship felt like an acquaintance to me, rather than a partnership and I talked to her about that and that started a roller coaster of hard feelings and half hearted attempts to rekindle a flame that burned out months ago.  Her recovery was difficult and long and as compassionate and caring as I felt, I burned out and was unable to be there for her as completely and unconditionally as she needed.  In September we mutually agreed to end the relationship and remain friends.   But the friendship quickly unraveled due to unresolved issues and T's inability to help herself in any area of her life.   As it stands now, we can't be together at all.  And that is very sad and disappointing for both of us because we were once so good together.  But it's time to end this chapter and close the book.  Maybe some day we can be friends.  I don't know.

My NanoWriMo writing groups has brought some meaningful friendships in to my life and encouraged me to keep working at my writing.   FWG has become a very good friend and we spend  time together, either writing, or hanging out and talking or watching a movie.  I like his forthright manner and his intelligence.  He is a gentle person with a big heart and I am glad he is in my life.

Health wise, there were some issues in 2015.  My blood pressure unexpectedly shot up and I am now on medication.  The diabetes got out of control and I am back on Metformin.  This was a wake up call for me and I realized that I had better take my health more seriously.  I started walking regularly and trying to watch what I eat.  In October I attended a lecture by Dr. Vera Tarman, about Food Junkies and treating a sugar habit like a real addiction similar to drugs or alcohol.  Her manner and way of speaking inspired me to make changes.  I also won a copy of her book.   I have been trying to be abstinent since then.  I am doing pretty well, although there have been bumps along the way.  I am trying to see them as bumps, rather than failures.  It is hard to live without the foods I crave and I am struggling to find ways to replace whatever need that sugar was meeting.

My Tuesdays with Sophia are the highlight of my week.  I started babysitting her in April and I thoroughly enjoy my time with her.  She is a sweet, funny, independent wonderful little girl and we spend our mornings playing and our afternoons napping.  I am so grateful to be a part of her life and I look forward to continuing that way till she starts school.

Volunteer work has remained a big part of my life and I have just started working in the clothing room at the Eva Rothwell centre sorting clothes. I love it!  I feel so satisfied when I take bags of clothing and sort them out and make sense of it all.   I am hoping to do more of that in the coming year.

Edna is still a big part of my life as well. I see her twice a week.  Last June she had some seizures and it really changed her.  She is no longer the chatty entertaining woman she was.  She's often sleeping when I am there.   It makes me sad to see her that way, knowing that her time is drawing to a close.  I am so attached to her, and sometimes I feel guilty for taking money to be with her, because I enjoy being with her and I don't really do anything but sit there.  But they appreciate me and that's what's most important.

Towards the end of this year I really started to realize what it is I really want in my life as far as social activity.  I love my own company, am happy at home puttering around.  I want friends in my life that don't drain me.   My friendships with Kathy and Geri are strengthening while Pierrette and I are not as close as we were.  She is far too negative and judgemental for me to spend any length of time with.  But she is a good friend and would do anything for me.   I spend a lot of time with Barb and I see June ocassionally.  Barb is one of my favourite people.  It makes me sad that a lot of my favourite people are quite elderly and won't be around much longer.   But I try not to think about that too much and enjoy them now.  Lesley and I are still close but hardly ever see each other  I would like to change that in the new year.

One of the highlights of my year was the discovery of Unicamp.  I had been there before and not really enjoyed myself.  But this year, I went camping with Kathy and Barb and Jennifer and I rediscovered it all over again and I love it.   It is so peaceful and natural there and I am hoping to spend more time this summer.  I spent a week there as well for a Writer's Retreat.  It was a good week but not sure I would do that one again.  There are other workshops there that are interesting as well and I will explore them.

Financially it was a difficult year.  Paula continues to pay my rent but she discontinued the $500 that supplements my disability pension.  So I am struggling to make ends meet and I have an uncomfortably large debt on my line of credit.  Once that is paid off it will be a lot easier for me.  My mom helps a lot and the money from Edna also.  The good news is that for the first time since 1998 I have an excellent credit score.  That makes me feel good.  I am hoping to get a job with Census Canada from March to July which will go a long way to paying down that debt.  I am doing a bit of cat sitting and hope to develop that more in the new year.

Family relationships have been good, Kate and I have become very close since the arrival of Sophia and I am so grateful for that.  We have had a long hard struggle to get where we are now. David and I will always be close but I don't hear from him nearly as much now that Kristie is in his life.   That is as it should be, but I miss him.  He used to call me every couple of days to see if I am okay.  They are getting married in April and I want to be happy for him.  I want to like her.  I really do. But it's hard and I feel bad because he seems happy with her and that should be all that is important.  However she is a difficult person and he will always have a pull between his family and her because she has managed to alienate herself from all of us.  I would love to have us all make an effort to accept her for Dave's sake, but I can't see that happening.  Although I do have to acknowledge that everyone gets along when we are all together.  This year I am going to make more of an effort to see the girls.  I miss them and feel I am missing out on their childhoods, but with everyone's schedule so busy, it's hard to find time.

So, that's that.  Too long to publish.  But for my own records here it is.  I am going in to 2016 with a positive attitude, happy with where I am in my life.   I am planning on staying single this year, and focusing on friendships and self care.  Creativity is a huge part of my life and I am going to be making more time for  that, spending more time journaling, writing, painting, photographing, beading instead of Facebooking and gaming.  

As a creative person, I have many outlets to express that part of me.  I write, I paint, I sing, I take photographs, and I make jewelry. I have even discovered the joy in making soup as a creative outlet, experimenting with flavours and spices.  I am drawn to anything creative, I want to try new things, new ways of being creative.  I love to come up with innovative solutions to problems.  I am very resourceful and find it fairly natural to think outside the box.  When I am in engaging in my creative activities I feel alive and connected and joyful.  To sit in front of a blank canvas and mix colours, to gaze at my boxes of beads, to get lost in creating a story...it's a natural high. I especially love being creative with kids.  When I visit my granddaughters I always bring some sort of craft with me, something that we can make.  And now that they are getting older I am noticing that they expect and look forward to that when I arrive.

And yet, I shy away from all of those things in favour of sitting in front of my laptop playing games. I eat crap that fogs my brain and my creative juices don't flow. I avoid those feelings of happiness and joy that making something brings me.  I get frustrated that my abilities often fall short of my expectations and lack the patience to keep at something till I get better at it.  The painting never look the way I imagine it should.  The stories never get written because I feel they have all been written before and what could I possibly have to say that anyone would want to read.  Yes, I take great photographs, people have told me so.  But lots of people do. And everyone is making jewelry these days.  Everyone is a writer.  And when I judge myself that way I end up doing nothing. It's far easier to make excuses.  It's far easier to sit in front of a game where I may have some success, and if I don't I can start all over again and no one is the wiser and no one is hurt or disappointed by my lack of ability.

The sad part is that while I am wasting my time with the games...or the with the eating of the crap, I am all the time thinking of what I could be doing.  What I could be creating.

So..yes empowerment does encourage creativity.  Because it does help you express yourself and is an outlet for that pain and those issues...but how do you disconnect from the addiction and choose the empowerment?

One of the things that struck me as I read this chapter, is how many times addiction appears in my life.  In the relationships I choose, in the way I eat, and the way I choose to spend my leisure time.  In al of these areas I make unhealthy choices, dependent relationships, unhealthy food, time wasting, mindless activities.  And it all boils down to that neglected inner child, the pain of not getting the love and attention I so wanted, that I used those other things to numb the pain or to try and get those needs met.  And now, I read that even taking on the role I have taken on at this church, as the helpful , active, involved person, could be construed as yet another way to numb my pain. I keep busy doing things for others, helping people, trying to be a good Unitarian.  And is it just one more addiction?

Being healthy is very, very scary for someone who has always used the chaos and victim persona to get attention. Charlie who has the health problems, a bad relationship, lots of stress etc.  To think of those things as being gone, and to have to face my life as a functioning person is overwhelming. Right now I am being the "good girl".  Right now I am pleasing others.  I hang out with my friends who are bad eaters and instead of encouraging them to eat right I follow along so I can fit in.  Laid back, relaxed and fun, not worried about things like diabetes, fibromyalgia, and digestive issues.  I am ruining myself because my inner child is hurting so bad.

So...now what?