Advice from people who have never been there.

I once heard someone say "I was a perfect parent, and then I had children".  Exactly.  And that's what has prompted me to write this post.    I went to college and studied Early Childhood Education and I worked in day care for a few years.   When I became pregnant with the my first child, I was convinced it would be a breeze.  After all, I had been looking after 10 children at a time, so how could one be harder?   To say I was wrong is an understatement.  My own child didn't go home at 5 o'clock.  My own child didn't stay home when it was sick.  And I never had to get up in the night when I worked in day care, to soothe a feverish newborn.   And it wasn't just the physical demands, those were manageable and there was an end in sight.   What I really wasn't prepared for was the emotional roller coaster of being a parent.  It touches your heart and your soul, not your intellect.

So I have this to say to my childless friends who say to me," I really resent that women don't think I know what it's like to be a mother, just because I haven't had children of my own."  Well, I am sorry to say ...you don't.  I know you are well meaning, compassionate, sympathetic and sometimes helpful, but you do not know what it is like.  Children have a way of making the most intelligent, educated, dedicated parents turn in to unsure, guilt ridden, anxiety fueled shells of our former selves.   Sure, we all know all about child development, and we've read the books, and the latest theories.  But there is nothing to prepare for you that gut wrenching feeling when your child is crying and you don't know why.   Or when they are having a violent tantrum and you do know why, but you are trying to teach them boundaries.  All that intellectual knowledge flies out the window and your responses are visceral and profound.  And it never ends.  

Ask any parent of an adult child who is struggling in life, or suffering from an inherited illness, if we blame ourselves.  Most of us, especially mothers will say they do.  And we will suffer if our adult child is making life choices that we don't believe in or we feel are wrong or harmful EVEN THOUGH we know it's not our life, and not our problem, and it is their journey. 

So to my childless friends....I know you mean well, and I love you.  But when you hear me talking about my struggles with my children, don't negate or minimize my feelings and then say I know it's hard.  No you don't.