Introspective Retrospective

 I like to tell myself that New Year's Day is nothing special; that it's just another day except we change the year when writing the date.   Nothing really changes after all...all the shit from 2017 doesn't automatically disappear.  There is no "clean slate" or "new beginning" that people rave about and celebrate.  We don't become magically transformed overnight into that person who is finally going to "get it right".  Get healthy, get motivated, get nicer, get kinder, and so on ad nauseum.

Still, there is a small part of me that is drawn to all the hoopla.  A part of me that wants to believe it all.   The optimist that keeps my cynic in check and keeps me from becoming bitter and dreadful to be around.  Maybe we, as humans, are hard-wired to examine our lives at this time of year.  After the debauchery and excess of the Christmas season, when our bank accounts are empty and we are surrounded by a sea of gifts we don't need, when the "family" has finished being on their best Christmas behaviour and stopped the charade of closeness and gone back to their selfish ways, when the decorations are put away and the once vibrant tree is a sad pile of missing needles and broken branches lying in a heap at the curbside.   Ahead of us lies the cold stark gray winter when the most exciting thing that might happen is a snowstorm or "polar vortex" that we can talk about endlessly for weeks afterward.  Maybe that's why we buy into the fantasy of new beginnings.  We need it.  

So with all of that in mind, I have decided to do a retrospective of the past year.  I have not made resolutions because I believe they are just setups for disappointment and self-recrimination.  I have made commitments instead.  Is that the same thing?  Maybe, but commitment seems a less fraught word than resolutions.   Commitment is in regular type, while RESOLUTIONS looms large like a billboard in my psyche.  So, here are my commitments for 2018.

Health

Last August I began a healthier way of eating.   I started the Ketogenic lifestyle and I have had great success with it so far having lost 21 lbs. I haven't found it terribly difficult although the sugar demons got the best of me over the holidays.   Way too much temptation for my weak resolve.   So, for 2018 I am committed to continuing on this path and walking ...well trudging really... towards better health.   The energy is not where I need it to be so I will make a few changes to enable that to happen.   My schedule is much lighter than it was during the fall and I am committed to spending more time doing things that feed my spirit, as well as my body.  More art, more music, more activity. 

Relationships

At this time of year, I tend to hibernate and let things slide with friends. I don't want to leave my house unless I have to, which, to be honest, is true for me year round, but much worse in winter.   When I am not working, I am recovering and need time to be alone and at home.   But for me, this can become disconnecting.   My commitment in this area is to nurture those friendships that feed me, spend time with people I enjoy.   Spend time with my "want to sees" and less time with my "should sees".  I have a few friends that drain me and I need to seriously reconsider how those people fit into my life and if they should be there at all...I know it sounds harsh, but co-dependent relationships benefit no one.  

I am 100% committed to nurturing and strengthening the love relationship I have found.   I have never felt so committed, never wanted something so much.   This woman is exactly what I need and want in my life.   We are friends, and we are partners in life.   The total acceptance and love I feel from her, and for her, are a new and joyous thing.  It is not without its challenges, to say it was would be denying the richness of the relationship, because it's those challenges that strengthen us as we learn to understand and accept each other warts and all.  All relationship have those things, it's how the couple deals with them that makes or breaks the union.   We are always honest with each other, there is no game playing, no passive aggressive jabs, no sulking (well hardly any).  It's a good, positive thing in my life and I cherish it deeply.

My middle son has effectively removed himself and his family from my life.  The reasons will be the subject of another blog post that I will write when the pain lessens and I can have some perspective.  I am committed that letting go of that relationship.   There is no other choice at this time, the door is shut and barred.   There is a window cracked open where I can communicate with my oldest granddaughter but that window will slam shut if I make a wrong move.  All I can do is hope that someday she will wonder why I don't see her, she will wonder who this loving person is who texts her messages of love and support and she will seek me out.  And that hope burns blindingly bright.   My heart aches at times with the loss, and at other times there is anger so strong I want to drive to his place and take him over my knee and give him a good spanking because he is being such a child.  Anyway, as I said, another post.

The remaining two children will be in my life although not as constantly as I would like.  But I will take it, and I will accept that they have their own lives now and are busy with that.  That is as it should be.   I am committed to strengthening and healing my relationship with them.  If all my daughter wants from me is free babysitting then so be it.  That means a connection with the two girls.  If I have to swallow the bitter pill that is my daughter in law, then I will do that too because that means a connection with my granddaughter and my son.   It's all about compromise and accepting what is.   

Finances

The debt is slowly dwindling.   And I have come to accept that I cannot work as much as my spirit would like me to.  That two short shifts/ week is about it.   It's not about the work itself so much as it is the drive to get into the city.   It's half an hour each way in traffic and it exhausts me.  So I am committed to listening to my body and learning to say no when things get out of hand and I take on too much.  I would rather have a light schedule that I can be reliable with and have time on my hands than take on too much and end up having to disappoint people.  It means less money coming in, but that is the way it is.  I have enough for the life I have.

The beading is not going to pan out as a business and I have to accept that.  I don't have the energy or drive to make it work.  I will continue to create pieces, but for my own enjoyment and if someone wants something made, I will do that.    I have many areas of creativity that I enjoy and I am committed to making them more a part of my life than they have been.  I want to get back to writing, to painting, to photography and to making a journal.   All fun things!  

So, this ended up being a lot longer than I intended it to be  But that's okay.  I am trying to look forward to 2018 in spite of all of the scary news I am hearing.  I am trying to look forward to our trip to Florida in February and not dwell on the fact that I will be in the US at a time when it's on the brink of disaster.   

I wish for all of you reading this a safe and meaningful continuation of your life's journey.   

Relationships

In my family,on my mother's side,  almost every single person has been divorced.  My parents, my mother's parents, and my mother's siblings.   Most them remarried successfully...as in they are still married to their second spouse.   When my parents split up, my mother dated for a while and then that stopped.  Years later she told me she stopped dating because every time a man came over I thought he was going to be my new daddy.  How embarrassing for her! I spent most of my childhood with a lonely, depressed mother. Shortly after I married my first husband, my mother got remarried to a man who controls her every movement, and she is enjoying her misery 37 years later.   My mother, being a depressive person, had few friends, and seldom socialized.  She came to life when my soon to be stepfather would come to visit (it was a long distance relationship for many years) and shut down as soon as he left.

My father's mother married a man 40 years her senior, when she was 18 years old.  They stayed married till my grandfather died and my grandmother never remarried.  She had spent most of her life taking care of an elderly husband.  My father was the only child.  He disappeared from my life shortly after he left our home, when I was 10.  There was no warning of his leaving (I was doing dishes at the kitchen sink while he was walking by me carrying his clothes, saying he was going on a a business trip), and no reason for his abandonment of my brother and I.

I am writing all of this to give some background as to why I have been an absolute failure at relationships all of my life.  Not because I am a bad person, I am not any worse than anyone else. Having had virtually no role models for healthy relationships, I choose inappropriate partners for all the wrong reasons.  They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  I have determined that when it comes to relationships, for me, insanity is the name of the game.

I have had three husbands (one was common law).   My three children all have the same father.  They have had to endure the loss of three male figures in their lives.  When they were adults, I came out, and I have had three long term girlfriends.   So my children  have endured the coming and going of a LOT of people, as well as having to cope with a pretty fucked up mom. I was a good mother, don't get me wrong. My kids were cared for, and loved. There was a lot of togetherness, and humour, and meaning in their lives.  But my issues are a source of deep shame and guilt for me that has coloured my relationship with my children and still does even though they are adults.

Now I am in another relationship, and it is very much like the others, but there is no abuse this time.  My girlfriend is a sweet and decent person, with enough emotional baggage and issues to warrant years of therapy which she is not getting.

And that's what draws me.  Emotionally unavailable men, and emotionally unstable women.   I want to rescue them, I want to be the person that makes them happy.  To love them when no one else does.  I choose women with no family, or estranged families. I come to the rescue and they are grateful and appreciative. I am kind and compassionate, and loving and selfless.  And then because I don't think anyone can love me if I don't sleep with them, I sleep with them, and then after a few months,  I realize I have made another mistake and I am stuck. The neediness that drew me in, makes me irritable and impatient.  

At least this time I didn't move in with her.  At least this time we have agreed to be friends before we destroy the relationship beyond repair.  I am a MUCH better friend than a partner.  I cannot live well with others.  I feel I have to fix everything, and be responsible for everything and I burn out after a year or so.  And then I stay while I try to salvage something that was doomed to begin with.   And my children pay the price for that.

My daughter doesn't want me to bring around any new women around if I can't guarantee that it is going to be permanent.  I can't do that.  I always intend for it to be permanent, I always have the best intentions, every one of them has been "the one" and it's always "different this time".  They are understandably skeptical.   My daughter has a baby, 16 months old that my current partner loves dearly.  But because we have decided to have a friendship instead of a partnership my daughter has told me she no longer wants my girlfriend around the baby or at family functions because she doesn't want her daughter to go through what they had to go through because of me.  In her words "parading people through our lives that aren't going to stay".  I tried to explain, to no avail, that the chances of my "friend" being in my life long term is much greater than my "partner" being around long term.  I am still in touch with all but two of my exes and we have very civil relationships.  But she is scared, and she is protective of her child, and  unable to let go of the past.

And I don't blame her.  And it hurts me to the core.  And I know it's unfair, and I know it's not my decision because it is her child.  And I know I totally deserve this. And I don't know how to fix it.