I once heard someone say "I was a perfect parent, and then I had children". Exactly. And that's what has prompted me to write this post. I went to college and studied Early Childhood Education and I worked in day care for a few years. When I became pregnant with the my first child, I was convinced it would be a breeze. After all, I had been looking after 10 children at a time, so how could one be harder? To say I was wrong is an understatement. My own child didn't go home at 5 o'clock. My own child didn't stay home when it was sick. And I never had to get up in the night when I worked in day care, to soothe a feverish newborn. And it wasn't just the physical demands, those were manageable and there was an end in sight. What I really wasn't prepared for was the emotional roller coaster of being a parent. It touches your heart and your soul, not your intellect.
So I have this to say to my childless friends who say to me," I really resent that women don't think I know what it's like to be a mother, just because I haven't had children of my own." Well, I am sorry to say ...you don't. I know you are well meaning, compassionate, sympathetic and sometimes helpful, but you do not know what it is like. Children have a way of making the most intelligent, educated, dedicated parents turn in to unsure, guilt ridden, anxiety fueled shells of our former selves. Sure, we all know all about child development, and we've read the books, and the latest theories. But there is nothing to prepare for you that gut wrenching feeling when your child is crying and you don't know why. Or when they are having a violent tantrum and you do know why, but you are trying to teach them boundaries. All that intellectual knowledge flies out the window and your responses are visceral and profound. And it never ends.
Ask any parent of an adult child who is struggling in life, or suffering from an inherited illness, if we blame ourselves. Most of us, especially mothers will say they do. And we will suffer if our adult child is making life choices that we don't believe in or we feel are wrong or harmful EVEN THOUGH we know it's not our life, and not our problem, and it is their journey.
So to my childless friends....I know you mean well, and I love you. But when you hear me talking about my struggles with my children, don't negate or minimize my feelings and then say I know it's hard. No you don't.
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Hmmm... in my experience, those of us who are child-free by choice have a pretty clear understanding of the all-encompassing nature of having kids - that's why we chose not to have them. We saw how horrible it made the lives of our parents, siblings and friends - and decided not to go there.
The people who really get to me are the ones who want kids but haven't yet had them. It's like they're completely consumed with having a baby, and nothing you can do or say will convince them that parenthood will fill their lives with anything but blissful fulfillment - after all, I'm just a childless heathen, what do I know?
Then, of course, they pop out a kid or two, and from that point on all you ever hear from them (if you hear from them) is how miserable and overwhelmed they are. It's like they totally resent their kids, but they can't acknowledge it because, of course, on some level they love them.
I dunno, I don't mean to sound un-caring - I've obviously got a LOT of baggage leftover from my own less-than-rosy upbringing, so I tend to see this stuff from the perspective of the child of an angry and resentful mother. You know, I'm sorry that I ruined her life by being born, but I really didn't have a say in the matter.
Anyhow, I'm sorry that your child-free friends don't seem supportive, I'm quite sure that being a parent is the most difficult job there is - but I'm willing to bet that their reactions (like mine) have a lot more to do with feelings about their own parents than they do with you.
You don't sound uncaring at all Eco (if I may call you that). The point I was trying to make is that childless people can only be sympathetic, rather than empathetic. And my friends are sympathetic, and mostly supportive, but they lack that understanding of the emotional aspect that chases common sense away some times. And I totally agree that often their reactions are very much motivated by their own parents. Mine are too. I will never forget the horror I felt when I heard my mother come out of my own mouth! I immediately sought therapy and tried to become a better parent. It didn't really work, I made my own mistakes and plenty of them.
And I hear you about the childless who can't wait to have kids and then complain. I know many people who say "oh having a child won't change my life at all." I have a soon to be daughter in law obsessed with having a baby and that's all she talks about...and how much better a parent she will be when she does.
Anyway, it's hard to make the decision not to have children and I applaud you for knowing yourself well enough to do what is right for you and not buying in to the pressure.
Well, I had a "window of insight" that most people aren't privy to - I was a step-mom to a toddler for a few years in my early 20's. My Ex and his former wife had done the old "let's have a kid to save the marriage" thing, which (predictably) failed spectacularly. His daughter was about 18 months old when we got together and just shy of 4 when we broke up - so, you know, the "fun & easy" years! We only had her on weekends, but it was enough to give me a very, very clear picture of the life-swallowing nature of parenting.
I had to laugh about your comment of hearing your mother coming out of your mouth. Had one of those moments myself. She was having a total meltdown, and I can't remember what I said, but it was like my mother had been magically transported into my psyche or something, and I was horrified! I, of course, started to have a little meltdown of my own at that point - and I think that was the exact moment when I realized that I was NOT ready to be a parent!
I mean, when you've got a screaming child in front of you, you can't just say "Gee, I'm sorry - I know you're having a little tantrum and everything, but this situation has triggered some unresolved issues from my past and I need to go deal with them." Anyhow, I decided right then and there that I had better get my own shit together before I even considered having kids of my own. One thing led to another, and the more I delved into the shit pile of my childhood, the more I realized that I had a LOT more work to do.
All in all I feel like I was given a great gift. I've had the opportunity to work through my own stuff in a way that most people just never get.
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