As a creative person, I have many outlets to express that part of me.  I write, I paint, I sing, I take photographs, and I make jewelry. I have even discovered the joy in making soup as a creative outlet, experimenting with flavours and spices.  I am drawn to anything creative, I want to try new things, new ways of being creative.  I love to come up with innovative solutions to problems.  I am very resourceful and find it fairly natural to think outside the box.  When I am in engaging in my creative activities I feel alive and connected and joyful.  To sit in front of a blank canvas and mix colours, to gaze at my boxes of beads, to get lost in creating a story...it's a natural high. I especially love being creative with kids.  When I visit my granddaughters I always bring some sort of craft with me, something that we can make.  And now that they are getting older I am noticing that they expect and look forward to that when I arrive.

And yet, I shy away from all of those things in favour of sitting in front of my laptop playing games. I eat crap that fogs my brain and my creative juices don't flow. I avoid those feelings of happiness and joy that making something brings me.  I get frustrated that my abilities often fall short of my expectations and lack the patience to keep at something till I get better at it.  The painting never look the way I imagine it should.  The stories never get written because I feel they have all been written before and what could I possibly have to say that anyone would want to read.  Yes, I take great photographs, people have told me so.  But lots of people do. And everyone is making jewelry these days.  Everyone is a writer.  And when I judge myself that way I end up doing nothing. It's far easier to make excuses.  It's far easier to sit in front of a game where I may have some success, and if I don't I can start all over again and no one is the wiser and no one is hurt or disappointed by my lack of ability.

The sad part is that while I am wasting my time with the games...or the with the eating of the crap, I am all the time thinking of what I could be doing.  What I could be creating.

So..yes empowerment does encourage creativity.  Because it does help you express yourself and is an outlet for that pain and those issues...but how do you disconnect from the addiction and choose the empowerment?

One of the things that struck me as I read this chapter, is how many times addiction appears in my life.  In the relationships I choose, in the way I eat, and the way I choose to spend my leisure time.  In al of these areas I make unhealthy choices, dependent relationships, unhealthy food, time wasting, mindless activities.  And it all boils down to that neglected inner child, the pain of not getting the love and attention I so wanted, that I used those other things to numb the pain or to try and get those needs met.  And now, I read that even taking on the role I have taken on at this church, as the helpful , active, involved person, could be construed as yet another way to numb my pain. I keep busy doing things for others, helping people, trying to be a good Unitarian.  And is it just one more addiction?

Being healthy is very, very scary for someone who has always used the chaos and victim persona to get attention. Charlie who has the health problems, a bad relationship, lots of stress etc.  To think of those things as being gone, and to have to face my life as a functioning person is overwhelming. Right now I am being the "good girl".  Right now I am pleasing others.  I hang out with my friends who are bad eaters and instead of encouraging them to eat right I follow along so I can fit in.  Laid back, relaxed and fun, not worried about things like diabetes, fibromyalgia, and digestive issues.  I am ruining myself because my inner child is hurting so bad.

So...now what?