#metoo part one

Why did he have to ruin it all?   Why did he have to turn out to be exactly like all the other old men that have come into my life over the years? I have always been attractive to older men, even as a child and it caused many awful situations in my life.   But I thought he was different.  I thought we had a good thing going.  I thought we worked together well and enjoyed each other's company.   I work for him.   I come to him because it's my job to help him live independently and we really hit it off and I was happy to be his worker.  Maybe there were some red flags that I should have paid attention to instead of brushing them off as TMI moments that are so common to the elderly.   He either lacks the filters or likes to shock.   I brushed those incidents off.   Maybe I was wrong, stupid, or in denial.  He came out of the bathroom once and told me how he wasn't properly circumcised and sometimes had to unravel things in order to pee.   While it took me aback a bit and I  had a moment of "is this okay?"  I laughed it off.  He said he was happy to be seen out in public in his old neighbourhood with an attractive woman on his arm.   Again I kind of laughed it off.   What could I say?  There was nothing really wrong with that.   But maybe these incidents were signs. I took his request for help fitting his hernia belt as a joke...  Maybe my lack of reaction was implicit permission.   But I chose not to make an issue.  I didn't want to be one of "those" women.  You know, the kind that takes exception to everything that could be interpreted as an "inappropriate advance" even if it is accidental or consent was implied.  I didn't want to be like that.  My attitude to this job is to be caring, compassionate and yet maintain that professional distance.   And I thought I had done that!  I can't think of anything I could have said or done that would make him think I was open to his advance.   Was I too friendly?   Was saying I enjoy his company and we work well together seen as encouragement from me?   I am so saddened and yet angry that this has happened.   And when I told my close friends about it, they didn't seem overly concerned.   One said I might be overreacting a bit, a couple said they would have reacted the same way, and my therapist said, in view of my personal history that it's perfectly understandable that I would react this way.

Was it on purpose that he stood in the doorway of his bedroom so that I would have to go around him to leave?   Should I not have been in his room in the first place folding and putting away laundry?   But there is no place else to do it.  Even if I had folded it in the laundry room I still would have had to go in there and put it away.  Or carry the basket in there and leave it on his bed for him to put away.  But I never thought anything of going in there and doing what I did.  I do it every time I am there.   I will never forget that moment.  I knew something was up, but I wasn't sure what it was.  He never comes into the room to help fold.  And then the look on his face as he walked towards me.   Bashful, like a boy asking a girl to the prom.  He put his arms out...and placed them on my side at my ribcage as he said "I just realized that I didn't give you a New Year's kiss"  I was stunned.  I shut down.  I always shut down when I am in those types of situations.   Years ago I used to dissociate into someone else...someone who would go along with whatever happened.   Now I just freeze.   And I hugged him...I didn't think about it, I just did.  And then I left.   And I felt my spirits crash slowly to the ground.   And I was so profoundly disappointed.   He is such a nice man, so gentle, so kind and now he had gone and ruined everything.  Why?   I don't know what to do now.   I feel as though I can't go back.   And yet my therapist says to go one more time and if it happens again, and then talk to him.   But the thought of going makes me feel sick and anxious.  I want to quit my job and just hide at home.  It's too bad.   It's too sad.   You have shattered my ability to trust my own instincts.  I just know that I don't want to do this job anymore and I don't want to ever go alone into someone's home.

Epilogue:

I talked to my boss about this incident.  I felt bad doing it, but I had to.   I took a few weeks off work to decide what to do.  He talked to my boss and was extremely upset and apologetic and took full responsibility for what happened.  To him, it's just that he made a pass and offended me.   Now he wants to talk to me and apologize.   I am not ready for that.   I feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing, but the anxiety and the sadness are not going away.  Because of past traumas, this is larger than it would be for another person without my history. 

Anyway I have decided to just do driving seniors to appointments and grocery shopping from now on.  No more going in to apartments or rooms alone. 

#BellLetsTalk

I posted this on Facebook on BellLetsTalk day but decided it might be a good idea to put it on here too.

Anyone who has ever been late for an appointment, lost their keys, had a job interview or started school, or experienced any number of life's little disasters, knows what anxiety feels like. But imagine if you felt that way all of the time, day in and day out. Even when things are going great. Even when you have everything you ever wanted in your life. That's what General Anxiety Disorder feels like. That's what it feels like in my head without medication and counseling. It's a heart-pounding, thought racing, gut-wrenching way of existence that I have dealt with all of my life. It's worry to the nth degree.

It makes going anywhere outside my house difficult because my brain will happily show me scenarios of every single disaster that could happen to me...a tire flying off a truck, a bridge collapse, a car accident, a sinkhole, a plane crash, a terrorist attack, a car plowing into the window of the restaurant I am eating in, freak accidents too numerous to mention....it goes on and on.

It makes being social difficult because afterward, I analyze every single thing that was said to me or by me, looking for something I did wrong...did I talk too much, was I too bossy, obnoxious, depressing, annoying, was I showing off...and on and on.

It makes every single ache, pain, heart palpitation, headache, skin blemish, stomach cramp into something catastrophic...rare, aggressive forms of cancer are a huge fear of mine as is suddenly dropping dead from a misdiagnosed illness.

It makes me rehash mistakes from my past over and over and over again wishing I had done things differently, blaming myself for everything that went wrong. It's relentless. And because it is a General Anxiety Disorder it doesn't have a specific focus...it's like my anxiety is a mosquito flying around looking for a place to land and feed...sometimes it's my health, sometimes, it's my finances, sometimes it's my relationships. But it's always something...because if I am not feeling anxious...I am anxious about that. Anxiety also often comes with its best friend Depression and the three of us can have quite a party.

Luckily, however, with the help of medication and counseling a very supportive circle of friends and a good sense of humour, I am able to function in my life. I have learned techniques to keep the anxieties at bay most days....thought stopping, distraction, meditation to name a few. I know I am not alone in this, almost everyone I know has some form of anxiety. I don't present as an anxious person as frequently as I have in the past, although I have my days. . I am in a good place right now. But I wanted to post this on this day to raise awareness. Thanks for reading.