Laughter Really Is The Best Medicine

I won some tickets to a comedy show for tonight, so I invited my ex, T,  to join me.  Friendship has been hard for us in the six months since we brought up but comedy was always something we really enjoyed so I asked her to come.  It was supposed to be a group thing, but for one reason or another it ended up being the two of us.  We went to the Showtime Comedy Club in St. Catharines and saw Larry Smith.  Marc Sinodino's was the host.  Some guy named Levi was the opening act.  We had a GREAT time.   Marc and Larry had us in stitches and Levi did his best, but he was a bit off his game tonight I think.   And T  and I enjoyed each other's company in a way that hasn't happend since our love was new.   So it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening and much needed after the week I have had.  

Laughter truly is a healing thing.  I have always believed that and tonight just reinforced that belief.  A medication I am on makes it hard for me to cry even while feeling profound sadness, some kind of weird side effect.  And I have needed that cry, needed that release of all the pent up sorrow. But after this evening's endorphin releasing belly laughs I feel better the way you do when you have a good cry.  The sadness is still there, but it's not as sharp.  It's more manageable.  Life doesn't look so shitty.  Humour has always been my go to when I am down.  I am at my funniest when life is hard, as long as I don't slide down the slope of depression.  Even then it's still there, just not as readily accessible.

I would like to continue to develop this friendship with T and I hope we can have more evenings like this.  Life is too short, there is too much sadness to keep holding on to past hurts and grievances.

Anyway, keep on laughing people, you will feel better, I promise.

Words are all I have

It's so hard to know what to say when you learn of a tragedy that has affected someone close to you.  And in this age of technology, the news is often learned through social media as was the case for my friend who's sister was killed in the car accident.  How to express condolences by words.  As a writer I love words and I value them greatly, but there are times where words just don't cut it.  And this is one of those times.  All of the trite phrases seem so empty.  It's so easy to say I'm sorry, I'll pray for you, my thoughts are with you, etc.  But none of those phrases convey the deepest feelings.  They are social niceties.  If my friend was here with me, I wouldn't say anything. I would just hold her and listen to her and let her cry and talk and whatever else she needed to do.  But she's with her family and texting is the only option right now.   What I can do is borrow against my line of credit and make a donation to the scholarship fund for the now motherless children.  And I will do that.  But still that seems not enough.   It will have to do for now.

When my other friend announced her cancer diagnosis to our choir last night, I was sitting beside her.  I was able to take her hand.   And I was able to rub her back as she struggled for the words she needed.  It meant so much more than anything I could have said. (In fact, the only thing I did say was FUCK).  I reacted from my heart, I didn't think about it, or question it, I just reached out.  Maybe she didn't want that from me, but I think she appreciated it.

It has always been hard for me to know what to do.  I worry about intruding. I want to respect the privacy and dignity of the person but at the same time let them know they are not alone.  I worry about presuming more in a friendship than they are feeling.  I imagine them thinking, "why would I want to talk to you? I have other friends."  And so sometimes I stay back.  But I know in my heart that gestures of kindness are seldom unwanted.   And so I push past that reluctance and put myself out there.

In our Unitarian faith one of the things we do when someone is suffering is offer to hold it for them.  When the burden is too great, we offer to hold it for a while, easing their pain even for a short time. I like the imagery of that.  It is not the same as owning it, or taking it, we merely hold it. I picture my hand out and someone placing there burden in my palm.   So in my heart tonight I am holding the suffering of these people close to me.

Tragedy

In the past 6 hours I have learned that three friends are facing varying degrees of tragedy in their lives.   A friend who was diagnosed with a brain tumour, supposedly benign with an excellent prognosis, has just found out it's cancer and they didn't get it all.  She faces radiation and an uncertain future.  Another friend was suffering an infection and now that has become cancer.   Another close friend just lost her sister in a horrific car crash in Newfoundland. This month has been one blow after another in my life.   I lost a good friend to cancer two weeks ago. My family has fallen apart and I can't fix it.  I am feeling helpless and profoundly sad.  And the way I deal with these feelings is to become very angry.   Anger is a safe emotion for me; I know it, it's familiar.    But right now it's threatening to swallow me up.   Right now nothing makes sense anymore, nothing seems right.  All of the things we do to keep ourselves healthy and safe mean nothing.  We eat the right foods, we exercise, we try to be good people, we buy the right products, we fight for the things we believe in, we try to make the world a better place for those around us, and none of it means shit.  Because we can still get cancer, we can still die in a fiery crash, we can still lose people we love.  So what's it all for?   Why bother?  We have destroyed the very earth that we need to nurture us and it is slowly poisoning us.   Karma is a bitch.  My feelings are so jumbled up and so large I am  having trouble articulating it all.  But it needs to be said.  I need to write it.  Maybe I don't need to publish it in my blog, but it's got to come out or I will choke to death in my sleep.  I want to just chuck it all.  Forget all the striving I do to make myself a better person, to eat right and take care of myself.  What the fuck for?   Maybe I should just stop trying.   Just do whatever I want to hell with everything else.  Because it all ends the same doesn't it?   I want to walk away from my life and live on the street and become one of those forgotten people.   No attachments.  No pain.

But even in my anger, there is a little voice inside me that says not to give up.  That says to keep on going.  And I want to tell that voice to shut the fuck up and leave me alone.  But it won't.  It never has.   And I will sit with this anger and I will let it out here and I will cry myself to sleep and tomorrow I will wake up and take my dog for a walk and I will see the trees starting to bud and the grass turning greener and the crocuses pushing up and I will feel a glimmer of that light that keeps me going.  Yes, life sucks and it's tragic and unfair and painful, but that's not all of it.   It's also beautiful.   And there is a little girl who loves her nana.

The other night a very dear friend of mine took me out to the Keg for dinner.  We went late, about 9 p.m. and spent three glorious hours "dining".  Yes, dining.   Very different from grabbing a bite to eat before going somewhere else, or eating while doing something else.   Dining takes time.  Dining is mindful.  It's all about the food and company, nothing else.   We had a wonderful server, a good friend of my friend, who was very attentive.   We started with a plate of appetizers and took our time eating them.  The conversation was interesting.   The atmosphere was convivial.  And I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

It occurred to me, that evening, how seldom I take the time to dine.  Food and I have a very turbulent relationship.   Most of the time I eat while doing something else, mostly playing on the computer, sometimes watching a movie. When I am eating with friends, I am distracted by what is on my plate, or what is going around me, especially if there is a t.v. screen nearby.   I pay very little attention to what I am putting in my mouth, even when I have spent time cooking it myself.  I eat quickly.   I don't wolf it down, I just want to get it over with and move on to other things.   I don't savour.   I eat the wrong things for the wrong reasons.  Usually whatever is easiest.  Often it is just junk.  Sometimes I think I would be perfectly happy if I never had to worry about food again.   If I just had to take a pill to meet my nutritional requirements.

And then I have an experience like the other night.  It showed me that I can have a "right" relationship with food.  I can sit down and relax and take my time and savour each delicious morsel of that perfectly prepared steak, and those delicious garlic mashed potatoes.   I can enjoy my escargot in a mature manner with only a fleeting reference to the body part it reminds me of.  I accessed a part of me I don't see often.  It was not easy, mind you.  I was terribly distracted by the drama of the couple at the table beside us, and I do want to apologize to my companion for that.  But I tried very hard to be present.  

Thank you my friend, for a lovely evening.

A little light

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been dealing some depression the past few weeks.  So, on Friday I headed off to my weekly volunteer session sorting clothes for people in need.  Although I was still feeling down, the depression had lifted enough that I was also feeling a little....bitchy. They say depression is anger turned inward, and I often find that the first thing I feel when I start to "feel" again, is the anger I had turned inward.   So,  I vented a bit to my long suffering friend on the way to the centre and then decided to try my hardest to be pleasant to be around when we got there.

One of the first bags I opened had a Minnie Mouse headband in it.  You know the kind, with the huge pink and white polka dot bow?   I immediately put it on, hoping to get a laugh from my friend, which it did, and I left it on and went about my business.  Forgot all about the headband.  A while later I opened the new box of garbage bags.  We use huge garbage bags at the centre and the ones I opened were very small...the kind you might put in a waste paper basket.  So, I took the bag down to the powers that be and said they were not acceptable and did they have any bigger ones that we could use thank you very much.  (I really was nice about it, honest).  And they of course, got me the right sized bags.  And so I got back to work.

A few minutes later, it hit me.  I was still wearing the headband!!   So, what they saw was a perturbed woman coming down the hall towards them, wearing a Minnie Mouse bow.   No one said a word about it.  I guess they see all kinds of things at this place, or my demeanour that day didn't lend itself to questioning.  At any rate, I felt a little embarrassed and I asked them about it and they said yes they did notice, but they thought I looked really cute and we all had a good laugh.

At the end of my shift, the woman in charge told me to take the headband home, because they couldn't give it out.   So I did.  My friend encouraged me to wear it whenever I feel down.   So, now that headband hangs on the door knob of my bathroom cabinet and I put it on every day when I am doing my makeup and brushing my teeth.  And you know what?  It makes me smile every time.   And I can feel my mood slowly improving.  I am not saying it's entirely because of the headband, there are a lot of other things helping me right now; good friends, some rest and a couple of really good therapy sessions.  But, it occurred to me, that during the past few months I had lost my sense of playfulness, which is really quite alive in me.  My inner child has a rich and full life!   And putting on that headband ignited that in me again and it did wonders for my spirits and no doubt brightened the moment for those around me that day.  Simple as that.  A small thing.  But a big thing too.

Those of us of a certain age can probably remember wondering what life would be like in the year 2000.  No doubt we thought it would be like the Jetson's cartoon.  2000 seemed such a space-age number to us growing up in the 60's.   We imagined zooming around in flying cars and having a robot that would do all our housework.   How sad to have arrived here and seen that this is not the case.  Although many things have changed, we are far from the space-age Jetson- like existence of our fantasies.  Why is that?  We certainly have the technology.   But imagine for a moment what would have had to happen to make the Jetson's lifestyle a reality.  First of all, we would have to destroy all the buildings we currently have and build pod- like structures.  Imagine the furor.  Imagine the protests and committees to stop the destruction of each and every church, heritage building, historical building etc. It's hard to wrap your head around isn't it?  As a species, we tend to resist change for as long as possible.  Most of us have come kicking and screaming into the computer age and even though cellular technology and computer technology have been with us for decades, a lot of people still rail at it.  And many people, who proudly call themselves Luddites, are still resisting, still refusing to own a cell phone, a computer or have internet.  We like things the way they have always been, as long as we are comfortable.  Only when we are affected in a negative way by the status quo do we start to consider changing.  
I personally loved the idea of flying cars when I was a child.  Now, however,  I can't really fathom how that would work traffic wise.  Each day, as we head off to work, would we have to radio in our flight plan and get cleared for take-off, or would it be a free for all?   Every person' for themselves, sort of like a real life version of Asteroids, where you are dodging all sorts of obstacles to get to your destination.  What would parking lots look like?  What would the skies look like?  In the Jetsons, there seemed to be  fewer people than we have today. Flying cars in this world would be a logistical nightmare.  So, maybe not flying cars.  But what about hover cars?  I often wonder why that technology hasn't taken off yet, pardon the pun.   I mean it exists.  But think of the savings on the infrastructure if cars no longer drove on the roads?   We just gently hovered above.  It seems to make perfect sense doesn't it.  The cars would be powered by something...air,...helium?  Not a fossil fuel.   I mean if a bee can fly against all odds, if an airplane can stay airborne despite its massive weight, there has to be a way to make this happen.

These are the things I like to ponder.  In my next post, I am going to explore the idea of what would happen if our food chain disappeared and we were forced to exist by taking a pill.  Another space- age concept.

Right now I am dealing with a moderate bout of depression.  Not sadness.  Depression.   Where you can barely get out of bed, let alone shower and eat something besides cereal or pie.   Where nothing seems worth doing.  Where you can't see all the people that love you, even though they are still right there.  Where life seems frustrating, and pointless and nothing makes sense. And where you think you will never be happy again.   The joy is gone.  The creativity is stunted.  The plans for your life seem ridiculous and impossible.   Hope is a word no longer in your vocabulary.   Your life becomes a daily struggle to just get through.  Well-meaning friends and family tell you to cheer up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and point out all the ways it could be worse...which only causes you to feel worse as you worry that those things are bound to happen to you sooner or later.   Some people avoid you altogether because you are a downer, or because you might make them depressed.  Depression is lonely.

 My journey into darkness started with an overly busy schedule, combined with a flu, followed by a cold.   The death of a good friend and a family breakdown kicked me to the bottom. And each day has been one foot in front of the other to do what I have to do.  Nothing else.  No writing, no jewelery making, no photography, no art journaling, no housework, no laundry.

It might seem like I am wallowing in a vast ocean of self pity.  And maybe I am.  Maybe I have good reason to do so.  But I don't choose this.   And I read all sorts of pithy statements on Facebook saying You Can Choose To Be Happy and most of the time I agree with that, because we really do choose how we deal with the world.  But not when we have depression.  I can no more choose to step out of this than I can choose to not have diabetes.  And anyone who has been really and truly depressed can understand how hard it is to "choose".  

So what do I do?  I wait.  It will pass.  I muster all my strength and courage to try and not isolate myself.  I go to work. I get as much sleep as possible. I force myself to stay connected to friends who have been there.   And I forgive myself if I don't quite meet my own standards.   I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel...and I tell myself it is not a train.  It is the sunshine.   It is the light of life.   It will come....I hope.  It's starting to pass.  And that is why I am writing.  And today I might sit at my craft table.  Even sitting there is a start.

I wanted to write a retrospective on 2015.  I wanted it to be poignant and thoughtful and heart felt.  The problem is, I don't remember much of it!  When I look back in my mind through the past year, not much really stands out.  Maybe that's just as well.  Anyway, I am just going to do a stream of consciousness thing and see what happens.

I guess the biggest thing going on last year was the continuing unraveling of my relationship with T.  It's really hard to pinpoint the real cause.  It consisted mostly of failures of communication that lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, unrealized or unspoken expectations of each other, and the enormous impact T's surgery and subsequent healing had on an already faltering relationship.  We struggled a lot last winter and through the spring to find some way of being together that didn't result in bad feelings.  Intimacy, physical and emotional were rapidly dwindling.  Our sex life was non existent since our trip to Shawnee last October.  But neither of us really seemed to be bothered by that.  We struggled through, having some close times, but mostly just okay times and some really bad times.   Horrible fights, where I, I am ashamed to say, totally lost my temper with the sheer frustration of trying communicate with someone who was not on the same wavelength as me, and who refused to express her true feelings.   My anger shut her down more, and her shutting down made me angrier.  I felt she was game playing, unable to tell me what she wanted until it was too late for me to give it to her.  Talking in riddles leaving to me guess the hidden message and often failing.  She felt I was too impatient with her.  And she was struggling with a lot of issues and had no emotional resources left for me or anything I might have been going through.  By the time she had her surgery in July we were in serious trouble.  The relationship felt like an acquaintance to me, rather than a partnership and I talked to her about that and that started a roller coaster of hard feelings and half hearted attempts to rekindle a flame that burned out months ago.  Her recovery was difficult and long and as compassionate and caring as I felt, I burned out and was unable to be there for her as completely and unconditionally as she needed.  In September we mutually agreed to end the relationship and remain friends.   But the friendship quickly unraveled due to unresolved issues and T's inability to help herself in any area of her life.   As it stands now, we can't be together at all.  And that is very sad and disappointing for both of us because we were once so good together.  But it's time to end this chapter and close the book.  Maybe some day we can be friends.  I don't know.

My NanoWriMo writing groups has brought some meaningful friendships in to my life and encouraged me to keep working at my writing.   FWG has become a very good friend and we spend  time together, either writing, or hanging out and talking or watching a movie.  I like his forthright manner and his intelligence.  He is a gentle person with a big heart and I am glad he is in my life.

Health wise, there were some issues in 2015.  My blood pressure unexpectedly shot up and I am now on medication.  The diabetes got out of control and I am back on Metformin.  This was a wake up call for me and I realized that I had better take my health more seriously.  I started walking regularly and trying to watch what I eat.  In October I attended a lecture by Dr. Vera Tarman, about Food Junkies and treating a sugar habit like a real addiction similar to drugs or alcohol.  Her manner and way of speaking inspired me to make changes.  I also won a copy of her book.   I have been trying to be abstinent since then.  I am doing pretty well, although there have been bumps along the way.  I am trying to see them as bumps, rather than failures.  It is hard to live without the foods I crave and I am struggling to find ways to replace whatever need that sugar was meeting.

My Tuesdays with Sophia are the highlight of my week.  I started babysitting her in April and I thoroughly enjoy my time with her.  She is a sweet, funny, independent wonderful little girl and we spend our mornings playing and our afternoons napping.  I am so grateful to be a part of her life and I look forward to continuing that way till she starts school.

Volunteer work has remained a big part of my life and I have just started working in the clothing room at the Eva Rothwell centre sorting clothes. I love it!  I feel so satisfied when I take bags of clothing and sort them out and make sense of it all.   I am hoping to do more of that in the coming year.

Edna is still a big part of my life as well. I see her twice a week.  Last June she had some seizures and it really changed her.  She is no longer the chatty entertaining woman she was.  She's often sleeping when I am there.   It makes me sad to see her that way, knowing that her time is drawing to a close.  I am so attached to her, and sometimes I feel guilty for taking money to be with her, because I enjoy being with her and I don't really do anything but sit there.  But they appreciate me and that's what's most important.

Towards the end of this year I really started to realize what it is I really want in my life as far as social activity.  I love my own company, am happy at home puttering around.  I want friends in my life that don't drain me.   My friendships with Kathy and Geri are strengthening while Pierrette and I are not as close as we were.  She is far too negative and judgemental for me to spend any length of time with.  But she is a good friend and would do anything for me.   I spend a lot of time with Barb and I see June ocassionally.  Barb is one of my favourite people.  It makes me sad that a lot of my favourite people are quite elderly and won't be around much longer.   But I try not to think about that too much and enjoy them now.  Lesley and I are still close but hardly ever see each other  I would like to change that in the new year.

One of the highlights of my year was the discovery of Unicamp.  I had been there before and not really enjoyed myself.  But this year, I went camping with Kathy and Barb and Jennifer and I rediscovered it all over again and I love it.   It is so peaceful and natural there and I am hoping to spend more time this summer.  I spent a week there as well for a Writer's Retreat.  It was a good week but not sure I would do that one again.  There are other workshops there that are interesting as well and I will explore them.

Financially it was a difficult year.  Paula continues to pay my rent but she discontinued the $500 that supplements my disability pension.  So I am struggling to make ends meet and I have an uncomfortably large debt on my line of credit.  Once that is paid off it will be a lot easier for me.  My mom helps a lot and the money from Edna also.  The good news is that for the first time since 1998 I have an excellent credit score.  That makes me feel good.  I am hoping to get a job with Census Canada from March to July which will go a long way to paying down that debt.  I am doing a bit of cat sitting and hope to develop that more in the new year.

Family relationships have been good, Kate and I have become very close since the arrival of Sophia and I am so grateful for that.  We have had a long hard struggle to get where we are now. David and I will always be close but I don't hear from him nearly as much now that Kristie is in his life.   That is as it should be, but I miss him.  He used to call me every couple of days to see if I am okay.  They are getting married in April and I want to be happy for him.  I want to like her.  I really do. But it's hard and I feel bad because he seems happy with her and that should be all that is important.  However she is a difficult person and he will always have a pull between his family and her because she has managed to alienate herself from all of us.  I would love to have us all make an effort to accept her for Dave's sake, but I can't see that happening.  Although I do have to acknowledge that everyone gets along when we are all together.  This year I am going to make more of an effort to see the girls.  I miss them and feel I am missing out on their childhoods, but with everyone's schedule so busy, it's hard to find time.

So, that's that.  Too long to publish.  But for my own records here it is.  I am going in to 2016 with a positive attitude, happy with where I am in my life.   I am planning on staying single this year, and focusing on friendships and self care.  Creativity is a huge part of my life and I am going to be making more time for  that, spending more time journaling, writing, painting, photographing, beading instead of Facebooking and gaming.  

As a creative person, I have many outlets to express that part of me.  I write, I paint, I sing, I take photographs, and I make jewelry. I have even discovered the joy in making soup as a creative outlet, experimenting with flavours and spices.  I am drawn to anything creative, I want to try new things, new ways of being creative.  I love to come up with innovative solutions to problems.  I am very resourceful and find it fairly natural to think outside the box.  When I am in engaging in my creative activities I feel alive and connected and joyful.  To sit in front of a blank canvas and mix colours, to gaze at my boxes of beads, to get lost in creating a story...it's a natural high. I especially love being creative with kids.  When I visit my granddaughters I always bring some sort of craft with me, something that we can make.  And now that they are getting older I am noticing that they expect and look forward to that when I arrive.

And yet, I shy away from all of those things in favour of sitting in front of my laptop playing games. I eat crap that fogs my brain and my creative juices don't flow. I avoid those feelings of happiness and joy that making something brings me.  I get frustrated that my abilities often fall short of my expectations and lack the patience to keep at something till I get better at it.  The painting never look the way I imagine it should.  The stories never get written because I feel they have all been written before and what could I possibly have to say that anyone would want to read.  Yes, I take great photographs, people have told me so.  But lots of people do. And everyone is making jewelry these days.  Everyone is a writer.  And when I judge myself that way I end up doing nothing. It's far easier to make excuses.  It's far easier to sit in front of a game where I may have some success, and if I don't I can start all over again and no one is the wiser and no one is hurt or disappointed by my lack of ability.

The sad part is that while I am wasting my time with the games...or the with the eating of the crap, I am all the time thinking of what I could be doing.  What I could be creating.

So..yes empowerment does encourage creativity.  Because it does help you express yourself and is an outlet for that pain and those issues...but how do you disconnect from the addiction and choose the empowerment?

One of the things that struck me as I read this chapter, is how many times addiction appears in my life.  In the relationships I choose, in the way I eat, and the way I choose to spend my leisure time.  In al of these areas I make unhealthy choices, dependent relationships, unhealthy food, time wasting, mindless activities.  And it all boils down to that neglected inner child, the pain of not getting the love and attention I so wanted, that I used those other things to numb the pain or to try and get those needs met.  And now, I read that even taking on the role I have taken on at this church, as the helpful , active, involved person, could be construed as yet another way to numb my pain. I keep busy doing things for others, helping people, trying to be a good Unitarian.  And is it just one more addiction?

Being healthy is very, very scary for someone who has always used the chaos and victim persona to get attention. Charlie who has the health problems, a bad relationship, lots of stress etc.  To think of those things as being gone, and to have to face my life as a functioning person is overwhelming. Right now I am being the "good girl".  Right now I am pleasing others.  I hang out with my friends who are bad eaters and instead of encouraging them to eat right I follow along so I can fit in.  Laid back, relaxed and fun, not worried about things like diabetes, fibromyalgia, and digestive issues.  I am ruining myself because my inner child is hurting so bad.

So...now what?