StoryADay May 14

Louise closed the door of her apartment for the last time.   She swallowed the lump of sadness that was resting in her throat.   It was time to move on.   She knew she was doing the right thing;  everyone had told her this.    Living alone was getting harder and more dangerous every day.   She'd had three falls in the past month, each one requiring the paramedics to come and help her up.   It was embarassing to say the least.   Her children were worried about her.   So Louise had sold most of her belongings, given the important things to her children, found a new home for her cat, and prepared to move in to an assisted living residence. 

"Mom, are you ready?   It's time to go." her son, Richard said gently, taking her arm.

"As ready I will ever be I suppose" she tried to sound cheerful and positive, but knew it was not working.  It was not in her nature at the best of times.   And this was not the best of times.

They pulled up to the door of the residence, ironically named "Fountain of Youth".   Their motto was making seniors feel like they will live forever.   Louise couldn't conceive of living forever.   She had been ready to go for a long time now.  Her usefulness on this earth was over, she was just baggage, a waste of space, being warehoused for the convenience of her family.    Well, she was here now.   But that didn't mean she would have to like it.  

A few hours later everything was in her room and it was all set up.   Louise had to admit it was quite cozy.   And the "home" as she called it was quite welcoming.   She had come in the door to the smell of cookies baking.   She had expected it to smell like a hospital...or worse.  There was a cat in the foyer that came to greet her.  It made her miss her own cat more, but it was still a nice touch.    Birdsong came from the common room and she looked inside and saw a cage with a bright blue budgie in it.   Nice.

"So mom, we are going to go and let you get settled in " Richard said.  Her daughter Leanne was there too and she looked guilty about leaving her.

"We can stay a little longer...if you want,"  she said, though Louise knew she didn't really want to. 

"No no, I'm fine.  Don't worry about me, I'll be fine on my ice floe" and she laughed.   Her children didn't find her joke funny at all but Louise did.  She had told her children that the Eskimo's put their elderly on  an ice floe and pushed them out to sea to die.  

It was time for dinner.   Louise did not want to go down to the dining room.  It would be full of old people.   But there was no stove or microwave in her room for to her cook so if she didn't want to starve, she would have to go.  

When she went in to the dining room she saw that it was indeed crowded with old people.  She took a big sigh.   Well you are an old person, so deal with it, she told herself and she went in.    The attendant showed her to her table and introduced her to her table mates.  Rita, who was 98 and sharp as a tack, though she was confined to a wheelchair.  Barb who was 87 and looked about as happy to be there was Louise.   And Becky who was a tiny little thing, lively and quick and who said "if I tell you how old I am, I will have to kill you" and cackled gaily at her own joke.   Louise thought she would find Becky terribly annoying.

She sat down and waited for her dinner.   When it came, she was surprised that it smelled and tasted delicious.  And the conversation of her tablemates was anything but boring.   Lots of joking and teasing and gossip.   Louise found herself enjoying the dinner time.   No talking about their ailments, or moaning about being in "the home".    Becky told her all about the activities that took place daily and encouraged Louise to take part in them. 

"Don't hide out in your room"  Rita said,  "You'll die sooner!  You have to keep active and be social, that's the secret to dealing with our situation.  Right, Becky?"

"That and a little flirtation now and again,"  said Becky, laughing at herself again.

Barb said very little.   Louise watched her and her other new friends.   And it occured to her that she had a choice.   She could be a Barb and be miserable and not fun to be around.  Or she could be a Becky and make the best of it.    Well, maybe not a Becky, but at least a Rita.  It was all about attitude.   As bad as she wanted to feel sorry for herself and wallow in self-pity she decided she would try to make the best of it.

  

A week went by and Louise settled in to the routine of the residence.   She had joined in as many activities as were available and to her surprise she found herself actually feeling happy.   She had made friends and she was busy.   When Richard or Leanne called her she had stories to tell rather than complaints to make.   And she found they called more often.

Every night when she went to bed, she looked forward to the next day.  It wasn't all good certainly. There are always problems when people live together.   But Louise took them in stride and tried to focus on the good.   And it was mostly good.

StoryADay May 7

1.     

I put my phone down and took several deep breaths to calm myself.   This was the last straw.   It was time for me to act and end this situation once and for all.    I sat down on the couch and planned how I was going to end the marriage of my son to the horrible woman he was married to.   I had tried to stop the marriage before it happened.   But he is his mother's son and loves a good challenge and doesn't like to be told he shouldn't do something.  It only makes him want it more.   So I'd had to accept the fact that he had made his choice and it was not my business.  He was an adult after all.  

But this woman he was married to had a vendetta against me right from the start.  She had made it her mission to make sure Andrew knew how horrible his childhood had been, how awful his family had treated him and how she was not going to allow it anymore.   And she had driven a wedge in our family that would never be repaired.  I hated her.    And the feeling was mutual.    Kay placed the blame for every problem in her marriage to Andrew squarely on my shoulders.   And she never missed an opportunity to tell me as much.  By text.   She never said anything to my face.   Well, nothing outright; she was very good at passive aggressive comments.   Her poisonous influence had eroded Andrew's relationships with his friends, and his family.    I could see the unhappiness in him every time we were together.  The tightening in his jaw, the put upon look on his face, his frustration with his wife's demands.   And yes, I realized he had made his choice and now had to live with it and make the best of it, but it didn't make me hate her any less.   The only reason I even gave her the time of day was because of the sweet little girl they were raising.   A happy, beautiful baby that I loved with all my heart.   And I could see that Andrew was over the moon with her too.   

As I sat and thought about a solution to this situation, it occurred to me that breaking up the marriage would not work.  She would still be in his life and there was no doubt in my mind that I would not see Bree again if Andrew and Kay split up.   She would poison that child against her daddy and his family.   So it seemed to me the only thing to do was to get rid of Kay permanently.   I couldn't believe I was thinking these things.   But she was making my son miserable and it was only a matter of time before she did the same to my granddaughter.  I could already see her unreasonably high expectations of the baby.  I had to admit I wanted to kill her.  I could see no reason why not.  

I thought and thought about how and when I would do it.   I was supposed to go up there for dinner the coming weekend.   It was Bree's birthday celebration.    I was surprised I was still invited but Kay said she wouldn't stand between me and my granddaughter.   Yeah right, I thought.   There would be lots of food and her family would all be there.  I would be the only one there from Andrew's family because Kay had alienated everyone else.   I decided I would kill her that day.   And then we could get on with our lives.  Without Kay.   It would be a horrible accident.   A freak tragedy.   Something no one could have seen coming.  I just had to think what it would be.

The day of the party arrived and I still wasn't sure what I had planned.   I decided I would just watch and wait for an opportunity.   I thought of poisoning, but I wanted to be sure it would work.  A push down the stairs?   Accidentally slicing her with a knife?   Dropping something heavy on her head.   I suddenly felt a sense of despair that I wouldn't be able to come up with anything effective and I would just end up in jail and she would still be around with more ammunition to use against me.

At the party Kay was cool, but polite.  No one could tell how vicious she had been to me just a few days before and I was pretty sure no one could sense the depths of hatred I was feeling towards her.   It was all very polite.   I actually felt a little bit of pity for her because she would never see her daughter grow up.  But that pity was replaced by the joy I felt at knowing that her reign of terror over our family was about to come to an end.  I imagined a closer happier family, who came together to help Andrew through his grief and help him raise Bree.   It would be just the way I had always wanted our family to be.

As the party went on I watched Kay's every move, waiting for an opportunity or an inspiration.  I held and played with Bree as much as I could.  It was so hard to share her with the other relatives.   The time came for opening presents and we gathered around.   Kay had Bree on her lap and helped her open her presents.    And I noticed something.   The way she was with Bree, loving, kind, and gentle.   And Bree responded to her with joy and adoration.    She loved her mommy!   And it was plain to see that Kay loved her daughter.    I sat there watching with a growing sense of the wrongness of what i had been planning to do.   Yes, I hated Kay.   Because she hurt me.   Because she rejected my attempts to be kind to her.   Because she made my son unhappy.   Or did she?  Watching the two of them together, making sure the party ran smoothly I could tell they cared about each other.  They worked well together.   And they parented well together too.  

By the time we all sat down to eat the birthday dinner I'd had a change of heart.    I couldn't deprive that baby of her mother.   Or my son of his wife.   What had I been thinking?   I may never love, Kay, I probably will never even like her much.   But she is the mother of my grandbaby and the wife of my son.   They are a family.   I needed to accept that.  I needed to keep the things I had witnessed that day in the front of my mind.   Because all that really mattered was family. 

StoryADay#4 40 minute timer

My name is Larry and I am 6 years old.   I am a white cat, with a blue eye and a green eye and a pink nose, and ears.  I've been told that's what got me adopted into my forever home.    In the shelter I let everyone believe I was deaf.  And so they told my mommies that I was deaf.   But they have the most delicious treats at their place and I run every time I hear the bag.  So that kind of blew my cover.   But it's okay.   They still kept me.   I love both of my mommies, but I think I like B the best.    She is really comfortable to sleep on.  C is too, but she often has a machine on her lap and it doesn't leave much room.  

So, I want to tell you about my typical day.

As soon as I hear voices in the morning I run in and help B and C wake up.   They like it when I walk all over them and try to get in between them.  I like to chew B's hair, it's really quite delicious.   Charlie doesn't like me to walk on her, she says it hurts.   (I think Charlie secretly doesn't like me because I am white, I often hear her say "You'd be cuter if you were black and white..."  she says she's joking, but...truer words are spoken in jest right?  But she is good to me.).  If they don't get up right away I leave the room and then come running down the hall really fast and onto the bed and off the other side and I finish with a climb halfway up the wall.    They seem to love this and it sometimes works to get them moving.   B gets up first because she has a job.   I might go back to bed, or I might hang out with C till she gets up. 

Breakfast time is my favourite time of day.   B puts my kibble in my bowl and gives me fresh water before she goes to work.   But it's when C gets up that I love.    She comes down and makes her breakfast while I chat to her and do stretches up the side of the cupboard.    She always talks back to me, mostly asking me what I want, even though I know she knows.   Sometimes she tells me to be quiet, which hurts my feelings but I know I can be annoying.   Besides, I never listen to her.  I don't have to, I'm a cat.  As soon as she puts her breakfast in the microwave I know my turn is coming.   C takes the treats out of the cupboard and shakes some into her hand.   She throws a few around the room for me to chase and then puts the rest on top of my scratching post and I have to reach for them.   It's so much fun!  And delicious too.

After breakfast, I sit in front of the back door that leads out to the patio.  There's a bunch of birds and squirrels out there that demand a lot of attention.    And sometimes SHE comes by to visit.   SHE is a beauty, silky black fur, big green eyes.   I long to touch her and smell her, but I am an "indoor cat" and never get to go outside.   But SHE will lie under the garden bench and we stare at each other through the glass.   Meowing our love for one another and bemoaning our doomed love.   I know that neither of my mommies understands what it's like to be so in love and they will never let me out there, or let her in.

Once my duty is done at the door, I wander around the house to see what C is doing, if she is home.   She doesn't know I watch her...from behind chairs and in the stairwell.   But she really doesn't do anything that interesting.    Sometimes though, she goes into the basement and I love to follow her.   B doesn't let me down there, but C usually doesn't mind.   I love it in the basement, so many smells, and little places to hide.   AND, if I come right back up when C calls me, I know there might be another treat.   Sometimes, I don't want to come even if the mommies are calling me and calling me.  But I am learning that if I don't come, they may close the door and I will be stuck down there for a long time.   And there is definitely no treat when they open the door at those times.

I sleep a lot.  And I like to vary my sleeping areas.   I have a great bed at the top of the stairs where I spend most of my time.   But sometimes I like to pick random spots for a nap.   Like the middle of the living room floor, or under a bed, or on top of  B, or beside C.   I like to vary my sleeping positions too.  My favourite is to lie on my back with my back legs crossed and my front paws tucked in.   Apparently, I look adorable.   C likes to take pictures of me in my various sleeping positions...it's kind of embarrassing really.   I mean a guy needs his privacy. 

Lately, I have had a craving for material ...like shoelaces...or bras and t-shirts.  I don't know what it is about them.  I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I really like shoelaces that are old and still in the shoes.   B gave me some of my own to chew, but it's not the same.   Now C puts her shoes on the tray upside down so I can't get at the laces, or she puts them in the closet.   So does B.  They get angry when I chew their stuff.   They don't really let me have any fun.  But I can't seem to stop myself.  

At night I like to go to bed at the same time as B.   Sometimes C stays up later and I keep B company till C comes to bed.  I am also warming up C's side of the bed too.   I have to get out of the way quickly though or C will just lie right down on me!   She can be a bit rude sometimes!   But she is the one who gives me the most treats so I love her anyway.

It's a pretty good life here.   Certainly better than when I was on the street.   I know I am always going to be warm and fed, and that nothing is going to chase me or hurt me.   I get lots of petting and cuddling.    Sometimes C lets me help her with her knitting but she gets mad if I am too helpful.  But even when she is mad, she is still kind. 

 I met some other cats in the shelter.  I didn't really like them, they made me nervous because I didn't know what they were going to do.  Other cats on the street were not very nice and would hurt me, or steal my food.   The cats at the shelter seemed okay, but I kept my distance.   Still, I hope someday they all find homes that are as special as mine.

Story A Day #3 Drabble

The old man tottered up to my door carrying a suitcase.  I watched, heart in mouth, as he lost and regained his balance.   I knew not to run out and help, he needed to feel useful and there was so little opportunity for that in his life anymore.   He looked up at me and smiled briefly, concentrating on what he was doing.    I smiled back.   I could tell by his expression that he didn't know who I was.   I waited.  Maybe it would come to him, maybe it wouldn't.

"Hello there," he said. The blank look didn't change.

"Hi, Dad".   

Lisa drove her Mercedes recklessly through the streets of the city, cursing furiously into her cellphone.  "200 hours of community service working with the poor!!  I don't have time for this.  That bastard of a judge hated me and wanted to see me suffer!   OOH!!  I could just scream.  How am I supposed to fit this in when I have things to do?   Brunch, and tennis and going to the spa and the country club take up most of my time and the rest of the time I spend keeping my wardrobe up to date with the current fashions! Where am I going to find 200 hours???"

"I know it totally sucks girlfriend  I mean, he has no idea how hard it is for us to keep up with our hectic schedules!   I think you should talk to your lawyer and tell him its cruel and unusual punishment!  I mean seriously???  200 hours??   What the fuck eh?"

"I know right??  But when I told my asshole lawyer I couldn't do it, he looked at me like I was a child and said I should be grateful that's all I got!!   That I should be thanking him for avoiding jail time!!  Thanking him!!!   I hired him to get me off, not get me doing....this....whatever the hell it is..."  She slammed on her brakes narrowly missing the car in front of her.   

The person in the car next to her rolled down his window and yelled "Hang up and drive, bitch!!  Can't you see there's a Baby On Board that car???" 

Lisa thought of telling him exactly what she thought of babies, but the light changed and she sped off, veering around the car in front, which had NO baby on board despite the sign. 

"I don't even know where I'm going, Nicky!   I've never been in this area of the city before!  It's not fair!  All I did was accidentally walk out of the store with a pair of shoes on!  I forgot they weren't mine, you know how confusing it can get when you are trying on so many pairs...all of them so darling!!!   And I totally forgot about the pair I tucked in my bag because I couldn't decide on them...and they treat me like I murdered someone!!" 

"I know,  sweetie, it's not fair at all.   It's so hard being rich these days, everyone wants to punish us for it.  Ugh...I have to go, my investment guy is here.   Hang in there girlfriend, we'll chat later"  and she was gone.

Lisa's GPS told her to turn left in 200m but Lisa was sure that was wrong.   That would take her into a really bad part of town.   But she checked the street and it was the right one.   All lined crowded on both sides with old homes, some with boarded up windows, some with no windows at all, and so close together.    There were people sitting doorways who gawked shamelessly at her as she drove by.  "What you've never seen a car before?" she muttered to herself, glaring at them.

"Your destination is on the left."  

Lisa pulled over to the curb.  "OH MY GOD"   Her destination was a huge old school building.  It had been made into a Resource Centre for this neighbourhood and this was where Lisa would be doing her community service.   "I can't go in there" she cried, her stomach turning over sickly.   But then she remembered her lawyer's words.   "It's either that, or jail babe, and there is no spa in jail!"  

She slowly walked up the stairs and into the building.   The smell of baking greeted her when she went through the door.   It smelled wonderful!   Lisa's mouth watered; she hadn't had breakfast because she's gained a pound the day before.   What she wouldn't give for a bite of whatever smelled so delicious.  Lisa walked over to the reception desk and introduced herself.

The girl at the desk looked at Lisa's designer outfit and Lisa was sure she saw a smirk on her face.  She wanted to say something but decided against it.  She knew the girl was probably just jealous.  It happened all the time. 

Lisa followed the girl down the hall to the "Clothing Room".   She was introduced to April, the volunteer in charge.   April was plump and energetic and had a big warm smile.   She was dressed in blue jeans and an old t-shirt and comfortable running shoes.   When she saw Lisa's outfit she frowned.   "Oh...I guess they didn't tell you ...this is a bit of a dirty job and ...it's very physical...you might be a bit uncomfortable.  Maybe you can take something from the racks to change into..."

"I don't think so!"  Lisa looked around, wrinkling her nose.  Everything was well organized but Lisa could tell the clothing was not new, and certainly not from the places she would shop.   And did that woman just say it was a dirty job?   And physical?   It was just clothing!! 

"Alright then, come and I will show you the sorting area and get you started".   April led Lisa behind a partition to an area with long tables set up.   

 "This is where you will do the sorting and clothes go on the racks here" she indicated clothing racks behind the tables.     "And this....."  she said showing April a large, dark room off to the side "is all of the clothes we have to sort.  These are donations brought in by people..." 

Lisa was shocked and appalled...the room was floor to ceiling with garbage bags!!   She was going to have to empty garbage bags!! 

"Go ahead and grab one of those and bring it over to a table and I will give you a bit of the history of this place"  April said, ignoring the distressed look on Lisa's face.

 Lisa could have cared less about the history of the place, she wanted to run screaming from the room and never come back.   She had never been in such a ...sordid...situation. 

"Isn't there something else I can do?"  she asked, in her best wheedling tone.  "I just had my nails done and...well...I don't want to break one on these....bags". 

  

April just stared at her.   And then she looked at her watch.  And then she stared at her again.  Lisa gave an exasperated sigh and grabbed a bag gingerly protecting her manicure.

She put the bag on the table and as per April's instructions, dumped it out.   The woman had told her never to reach into a bag because you never knew what was in it.    Sometimes there were needles, sometimes, garbage, but most of the time, the stuff they got was good.   This was getting worse and worse Lisa thought as she looked at the pile of clothing while April explained to her the type of people that would be coming there to shop. 

"This is a very, very economically disadvantaged neighbourhood and we offer free clothing to people in need.   They have a point system and we keep track of what they take...we had to do this because some people will take piles and piles of clothes at once.   These people have nothing.   Some don't even have washer's and dryer's.."  

Lisa had heard enough.     She tuned April out and thought of the hot bath she would be soaking in a few hours from now.   It was her happy place.  

An hour later Lisa was exhausted.   She had removed her spiked heels and was working in her stockinged feet.   Her manicure was ruined.   Her hands were dirty and she was hot and sweaty.   She had been sorting and hanging non-stop.   It was nothing like her work out at the gym.   There was no pausing to sip water and flirt with her trainer.   She had never worked so hard.   But what surprised Lisa the most was that she felt a change in her after a while.   It was unfamiliar feeling, one that she wasn't so comfortable with.   And one that she would never admit to any of her friends.   But she discovered she was actually enjoying herself.   She saw the people who came in to shop, people she had no idea lived in her city.  People of all shapes and sizes, people who were raggedy and dirty, and people who were clean and well groomed but had a world-weary demeanor. People who were new to the country, families coming in needing everything that Lisa just took for granted.  One little boy kept bring her empty hangers from the main area, and the shy smile on his face melted Lisa's heart.  He was so proud to be helpful.

  April chatted happily beside her explaining the criteria for clothes they kept and clothes they discarded.   "If you won't wear it, why should they have to?"  she asked

 "Well they're poor...they should be grateful shouldn't they, they are getting all of this for free...I have to go out and buy my clothes...you know they say beggars can't be choosers." 

 Again with the stare from April.   "Everyone of us is an illness, a job loss, or a divorce away from being in this very situation,"  she said.  "Most of these people are new to the country and have had to leave their homeland fearing for their lives.   The least we can do is give them some dignity when it comes to providing clothes for them".   April was gentle, but earnest.

 Lisa had never thought of it that way.   Her husband made good money...but what if he lost his job. It really made her think.   And while she didn't interact with any of the customers, she watched them.  She saw gratitude, embarrassment, and shame on the faces.  Of course, there were a few that were demanding and greedy, but most of them just wanted clothes for themselves and their families.   A basic need.  

At the end of her two-hour shift, Lisa could barely walk.   She crept out of the building and went to her car.   She had been so scared it would be vandalized when she got back to it.  But she had been wrong about that too.   As she drove home, Lisa thought about the morning she had had and the people she had helped and it made her feel good.    She wouldn't go as far as saying she was looking forward to her next shift, but she did have a new perspective and a better understanding of how truly lucky she was to have the life she had.

Story A Day May 1

Sharon

Sharon was late for work again.   The second time this week and she knew her boss would not be happy.  It was bad enough that she was a single mother and frequently needed time off when Grace was sick, but to be late as often as she was did not put her in the bosses good books.  Today was an important meeting and Sharon was hoping to make up for past shortcomings by blowing their minds with her presentation.  

But today, Grace, exercising her 2-year-old independence decided she didn't like oatmeal anymore and upended her breakfast all over herself. Sharon tried to keep her temper, it was hard to deal with the terrible two's but she wanted to be a good mother.  As Sharon hurriedly cleaned up her daughter for the second time, she looked frantically at the clock and grabbed a second cup of coffee instead of breakfast and headed out the door. 

 Pulling out of the driveway while gulping down her coffee, Sharon felt her stomach cramp.  "Oh no, please, not today" she yelled.   Sharon had Irritable Bowel Syndrome which flared up whenever she was stressed...and if she drank coffee on an empty stomach.  But she didn't have time for this today.   It was just one more thing.   She took some deep breaths and prayed her stomach would settle by the time she got to work.  

Grace babbled happily in her car seat.   She loved going to daycare and Sharon loved having her so close by so she could go and see her on her lunch hour.  Usually, their mornings were rushed, but once they were in the car,  they would sing songs and tell stories on the drive in.    "Sing mommy"  yelled Grace.   Another cramp grabbed at Sharon's belly and she started to sweat.  Maybe singing would help.   She started to sing The Wheels On The Bus, usually one of Grace's favourite, but Grace was not having it on this morning.   The little girl began demanding a song about fish that Sharon didn't know and would scream whenever Sharon got it wrong.   So, with the stress of a recalcitrant baby, and the slow traffic, the coffee, and her lateness, Sharon's stomach reached the point of no return.   She was going to have to pull off at a bathroom.  The problem was, barreling down the highway, there were not many choices.   Finally, as her stomach loudly informed her it was not messing around, she saw a rest stop ahead and pulled up to the outdoor toilets praying no one would be in there.   Could she leave Grace in the car...no, there was no question of that.    "Come on Baby, Mommy has to go potty"  and she grabbed Grace and ran to the toilet.   She pulled open the door just as her bowels let go.  Oh no she groaned.    "Mommy stinky!!"  yelled Grace  "Mommy go poo poo!" and she giggled.  

In the small bathroom, Sharon pondered her predicament.   She had no clean underwear in her purse, but she did have baby wipes, that she always kept in case of a Grace emergency.   Today it was her emergency.   She sat down on the toilet and carefully removed her panties, ignoring Grace's constant questions.   Sharon dropped the soiled panties down in the hole and cleaned herself up.   "Mommy threw her panties in the toilet!!"  Grace shrieked.   "Bad mommy!!"    Sharon knew she would die if someone was outside and could hear what was going on.    But luckily no one was around.   Heading back to the car, pantiless and humiliated, she put the baby in the car and they headed on their way.  

Grace

She didn't want oatmeal that morning but Mommy wouldn't listen.  Most mornings, mommy gave her a choice but today she was being "rush mommy" and there was no choice.   Grace was trying out her new assertiveness and she expressed her displeasure by dumping her cereal and hoping mommy would give her what she wanted.    Grace knew that wasn't going to happen when she saw mommy's face.  And the speed with which she was being cleaned up and changed made her realize she better behave.  

In the car, she started to sing the songs they always sang and wondered why Mommy wasn't joining her.   And then Mommy started singing the wrong song and it made her mad.   Why wasn't mommy being fun today?   And she was hungry because she didn't get any breakfast.   Today was a bad day!   And then, they were pulling off the highway.   They never did this!   What was going on?   Mommy grabbed her out of her car seat and they ran to the toilet.   Suddenly Grace smelled poo, but it wasn't coming from her as usual.  It was coming from Mommy!!  Grace knew Mommy's never pooped their pants and she thought it was hilarious.   But Mommy didn't think so.   She wanted to know what was going on.   Mommy said she was sick.   So, Grace kept quiet.   Until Mommy threw her panties in the big hole.   That was bad!  You weren't supposed to throw your clothes away!!  And she told Mommy so.   Mommy cleaned herself up like she was a baby and they went back in the car and headed on their way.   It was the strangest morning Grace had ever known.

Lyla

Lyla was sitting in her car with her boyfriend at the rest stop.  They were on their way home from a long weekend and had stopped for a break from the driving.   At least that's what Lyla had thought.   But Rick had actually stopped so he could tell her he was leaving her!    She had thought they had such a good weekend, he had been so attentive and so romantic so different from the way he usually was. 

 But now he was telling her that he had been trying to find a way to break up with her all weekend, and he felt so guilty about it that he wanted her to have a good time.    Lyla was shocked.   She had thought maybe, after five years, he was finally going to propose.   But no.   He had found someone else.   Lyla burst into tears and sobbed her heart out.  And she looked at the man she thought she loved and who she thought loved her and suddenly felt sick to her stomach.  

Lyla jumped out of the car and ran into the toilet.  When she saw that it was a hole in the ground and not a tank, she didn't want to throw up there, so she turned to go back outside.   But something caught her eye, something bright in the bottom of the hole.    Curious, she took a look.   All of her tears stopped and she started to laugh.    At the bottom of the toilet hole, lay a large pair of pink polka dot granny panties.   The absurdity of it all overwhelmed Lyla.   Here she was having the worst day of her life and she was looking down at a pair of panties in a toilet along the highway.  In a moment of clarity, Lyla realized that Rick had done her a favour.  He was a no good loser anyway.  He had cheated on her before.   Lyla pulled herself together and went back outside, still laughing.  Because no matter how bad her day was, she had not had to drop her panties in an outhouse toilet.

Ziploc and Zero

Ziplocs and Zero

I crafted myself a delicious lunch

Put it in the Ziploc with a gentle scrunch

At noon I ate my still fresh hero

Ziploc one, staleness zero

Yawning and Yesterday

Yesterday and Yawning

Yesterday I yawned all day and couldn't sleep that night

I tossed and turned and turned and tossed till dawn's early light

Today I slept the whole day through and now it is twilight

I'm yawning, sleepless by my friend,  oh what an awful plight

Oh what to do, how do I cope, oh wait the answer's dawning

I know now what the reason is, my sleeplessness is spawning

From lack of oxygen to my brain, because of all this yawning

I'll stop right now and wake up bright and fresh tomorrow mawning. 

Xenium and Xerox

Xenium and Xerox

We brought  xenium to the Greek party

 I xeroxed a pic of a goat

Apparently this was not good enough

As stated in the thank you note

It arrived through the window on a stone

And the nasty note said and I quote

Thanks a lot for the picture

But why didn't you spring for the goat

A true friend, as you probably don't know

Would have gladly brought us a beast

And then we'd all celebrate greatly

With delectable goat for the feast

Waffles and Wallet (haiku)

Waffles and Wallet

I love Waffle House

but my wallet is empty

PBJ it is

Victim and Valentino

Victim and Valentino

I was the victim of a Valentino  wannabe

Who crept into my life and stole my heart

With candy, flowers, and songs of love

He completely blew my world apart

One day I was all alone dreaming of my man

When Rudy called me on the phone and said

There's someone else adios my love

Now I wish that I was dead.

Unity and Underwear

Unity and Underwear

I bought new underwear today

I bought it with impunity

The panties gave my glutes some shape

The bra provided unity.

Tycoon and Tumbleweeds

Tycoon and Tumbleweeds

There once was a tycoon from Texas

Who drove a big fancy new Lexus

But he didn't heed

That big Tumbleweed

Now Texas is minus one Lexus

Shapeshifter and Stagefright

Stagefright and Shapeshifter

I wish I was a shapeshifter

When I go on the stage

I'd turn into an open book

My lines on every page.

Or perhaps an elephant

that never will forget

The lines the stagefright steals from him

and leaves him bathed in sweat

Or how about a looking glass

That faces t'ward the crowd

So its them not me they see

My voice could then be loud

But alas, I'm only me

A frightened nervous person

And everybody laughing

just makes my stagefright worsen

RollerCoaster and Racism

Rollercoaster and Racism

The emotional roller coaster

that is racism

Seems to never end

We head uphill

towards understanding

And loop back down again

some of us, we try so hard

to act and talk just right

we think we're cool and open minded

and then we find we're wrong

We blunder and we stammer

to remember the right words

so as not to degrade or hurt

but it is

hard

there are so many rules

it makes me wonder why

we can't all just

assume good intentions

and let some things go by

But the rollercoaster rattles on

We're scared, we're thrilled

we scream

we cry

Trying to live in this difficult world

and love our fellow man

Quest and Quack

Quest and Quack

While on a quest for peace

I sat beside a brook

And listened to the stream

And got lost in a book

I felt the warm sunshine

The tree against my back

Everything was perfect

And then I heard a quack

I jumped and turned around

my heart was in my throat

and then I saw the little duck

Enjoying a morning float

And it suddenly occurred to me

We both were  on a quest

Me for peaceful solitude

And her, a place to nest

Pillar and Prism

Pillar and Prism

There is a young Jay named Pillar

Who's baseball career will go far

Crashing into the wall

To catch that baseball

Yeah that Kevin Pillar is a star

Prism

Particles of light

Rainbows all around

Infusing colour

Shining in the sun

Making me smile

Open to The One

Open to The One

I was not open to meeting "the one"

The day it happened to me

I had hardened my heart and was on the run

from pain and heartbreak, you see

But her touch was so tender, her smile so sweet

I felt myself melting inside

It's silly to say I was swept off my feet

But I  had to let go of my pride

So now I am open and loving her so

My life now has meaning and rhyme

Now I've found "the one" and surely I know

We are sharing a love that's sublime

Nuclear and Needles

Nuclear War

With Nuclear war

There are no winners at all

Everybody dies

Needles

There once was a woman from Needles

Who had quite a collection of beetles

She gave them all hugs

And made them all rugs

Those spoiled rotten beetles from Needles

Marshmallow and Monarch

Marshmallows

I love camping, there is no doubt

A tent, canoe, and food to cook out

But my favourite thing and my answer is quick

Is a sticky marshmallow on a pointed stick

I like to wait till the embers die down

Find an oven- like space to toast it just brown

My friend likes a torch of flaming goo

I find it too messy...but it's tasty too

But if you're an adult and you want something more

Then just try your hand at creating a  "Smore

Marshmallow, chocolate and graham cracker stack

Melted just right a most heavenly snack.

The Monarch

Maybe it's his regal name that gives the Monarch so much fame

Maybe it's the shiny cocoon, like a jewel, from which he came

Or maybe it's his gorgeous colour so quick to spot among the flowers

Or flitting in the summer sky that gives the butterfly its powers

His striped caterpillar body is really vibrant this is true

But the orange winged butterfly is best known to me and you

Of all the butterflies in all the colours our attention is forever drawn

to the black etched monarch fellow flitting quickly on our lawn

Lunar and Living Room

Lunar

I would have been here sooner

If the eclipse had not been lunar

Everything was darkness

In the winter forests starkness

Snow up to my knees

I should have brought my skis

Or better yet, my compass

Sometimes I'm such a dumbass

With all my landmarks hidden

I got  lost, no, I'm not kiddin'

I would have been here sooner

If the eclipse had not been lunar

Living room (Haiku)

Curled up on the couch

Favourite book in my hand

Ah, my living room

Kilo and Karma

Kilo

As sirens wail and lights flash

I quickly hide my kilo of hash

I thought I'd flush it down the  toilet

But I don't really want to spoil it

It cost too much to throw away

But getting caught will wreck my day

And hamper the sale of my goods

And cause a scene with those crazy hoods

I decide to hide it in plain sight

And walk away into the night

I hope the cops will never look

In the cookie jar in my kitchen nook

Karma

Karma is a bitch they say

What you put out will come your way

Evil deeds come back to haunt you

Karma will come round to taunt you

If you're a person who brings joy

And never others do annoy

Karma will be good to you

A bring success in all you do

If you believe what I just said

You must have rocks inside your head

For we all know the world's not fair

And karma isn't really there.

jerks and juicy

Jerks

God created the earth and people of different kinds

Some were dumb as dirt, some had great minds

Some were bound for greatness, some for nothing much

Others would be great leaders, others just out of touch

But no one can figure out one thing that God created

It didn't make sense to his greatness, but never was it stated

Why on earth God saw fit, with all his wondrous works

To add to all humanity, a generous dose of jerks

Juicy

There once was a girl named Lucy

Whose bottom was fat and juicy

It jiggled along
To her favourite song
While Lucy danced the Watusi

Indiana and Inchworm

Indiana

If you ever go to Indiana

Please don't  snack on a banana

Popcorn is the food of choice

Remember Redenbacher's voice

Every kernel popped he said

In these bags of white and red

Indiana's where he was born

and made his millions popping corn

Microwaving is pretty hasty

And the snack food is very tasty

So when you go to Indiana

Take a pass on that banana.

Inchworm

Do inchworms really measure flowers

or the drops in April showers

Do they inch along the trees

And count by twos...or even threes

I bet their backs  are very strong

See they way inch along?

Not affected by the breeze

On tiny feet...they have no knees

Watch the way they bend in two

As they're crawling through the dew

Perhaps they are on their way to class

Math of course, need you ask

Hospital and Hamburger

Hospital  (Haiku)

I saw the red sign

There was no way I could stop

In hospital now

Hamburger

Fresh ground beef, assorted spices

Lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and onion

A soft, fresh bun..with seeds..or not

Ketchup mustard and maybe mayo

On the barbecue or on the grill

Charcoal, propane, or frying pan

Juices flowing from the patty

Behold the hamburger, a work of art

Gravity and Garden Gnomes

Gravity

Things that bounced now are saggy

What once was tight now is baggy

Skin so smooth has become flabby

All of this just makes me crabby

I was once so lithe and supple

My bosom made a lovely couple

But now there's no way to pretend

That gravity is still my friend.

Garden Gnome

He stands alone in my flower bed

A floppy hat upon his head

He doesn't move he doesn't talk

Just stands there stoic by the walk

He watches with a stony smile

When I visit for a while

As I dig and plant and  hoe

I tell him things no one can know

My dearest friend my garden gnome

Living just outside my home

Atop the body buried there

Keeping secrets he can't  share

Forest and Flame

Forest Bathing

Forest bathing 

So good for the soul

You stand amongst the trees

Silent and still

Breathing in the scents of pine

    and earth

Listening to the birds

    the squirrels

    the rustlings of other life

Feeling the air on your skin

    the wind in your hair

    the sun on your face

breathe deeply

    again

    and again

Feel one with the earth

Feel rejuvenated

Forest bathing

     no tub required

Flame

Today I saw my old flame

I couldn't remember her name

Or the feel of her touch

Or anything much

But she gave me a hug, just the same

Ether and Eyes

Ether (haiku)

A sore tooth strikes fear

A mask and some gas...relief

How I love ether

Eyes  (limerick)

My girlfriend has beautiful eyes

As blue as the bluest of skies

When she looks at me

It's easy to see

The love that she never denies

Dancing shoes and Donuts

Dancing Shoes and Donuts

When I put on my dancing shoes my spirits fairly soar

I swoop around and around the room and barely touch the floor

All the girls are jealous of and wish that they could be me

But it's only because of these dancing shoes that I can be so free

Their red and shiny and light as air and oh how they do shine

My feet are fleet and fancy-free and oh, my legs look fine

But alas even my special shoes will not for long support me

If those damned donuts I so love continually thwart me.

Caterpillar and Cloudscapes

Caterpillar

The caterpillar is a busy thing

munching leaves all through the spring

gathering strength for the big change

Having wings will feel so strange

Does he know what lies ahead?

That the cocoon that is his bed

Will change him in a special way

To the butterfly he'll be one day.

Cloudscapes

I look out the window of the plane and see

cloudscapes

A fluffy white wonderland surrounding us

I want to climb out the window and wander through

exploring behind the pillars of white and gray

walking on the carpet so soft and white

Actually I would rather be anywhere than on this

damned

plane

Beads (haiku)

Multicoloured beads

of every shape and size

A necklace is born

The Basket

An old lady stood with a basket of flowers

I had no doubt she had been there for hours

Her clothes were worn and her shoes had holes

Her face was wrinkled, scattered with moles

As I hurried past, I was busy you know,

I heard a voice come soft and low

Why such hurry, come smell my roses

No others like it make happy noses

I couldn't stop too much to do

Bills to pay and shopping too

I didn't stop, I didn't smell

happy noses?  what the hell?

But all day long I thought of the flowers

That I didn't smell and it seemed like hours

before I could pass her way again

I'd stop and I would smell them then

But she was gone and what was left

was a ragged basket now bereft

wilted leaves and faded scent

the chance for joy had come and went.

America

America

Oh  America you are such a bully

Throwing your weight around

Your people staring dully

As your crimes abound

Who's going to make America great

When the one who leads you

Has only made you hate

Which seems to please you

Oh America you think you're above us

Bigger, better, faster, smarter

It's plain to see though, you don't love us

If you did you would try harder

To help the ones who need it most

The sick, the poor, the hungry too

The need is great from coast to coast

But you only think of you

Well Bullies are really sad and weak

And pick on others less than them

But the tables are turning as we speak

And you won't get a chance again

To be the powerful "Great I Am"

Another country will take your place

And dismiss your Uncle Sam

And wipe that smug smile off your face.

Arrowroot Cookies

How we loved our Arrowroots

When we walked 'round in baby boots

Their firmness soothed our tender gums

And gave some peace to our poor mums

But the thing we loved the best

Was the sticky gooey globby mess

The cookies made all over us

Causing mums to make a fuss

But we grew up and on to Oreos

I'm sure you know how that story goes

Way too cool for baby food

We'd never let on they still tasted good

And now I sit here in my chair

Wrinkled hands and graying hair

I'll have that arrowroot with relief

For these small biscuits

require no teeth.

#metoo part one

Why did he have to ruin it all?   Why did he have to turn out to be exactly like all the other old men that have come into my life over the years? I have always been attractive to older men, even as a child and it caused many awful situations in my life.   But I thought he was different.  I thought we had a good thing going.  I thought we worked together well and enjoyed each other's company.   I work for him.   I come to him because it's my job to help him live independently and we really hit it off and I was happy to be his worker.  Maybe there were some red flags that I should have paid attention to instead of brushing them off as TMI moments that are so common to the elderly.   He either lacks the filters or likes to shock.   I brushed those incidents off.   Maybe I was wrong, stupid, or in denial.  He came out of the bathroom once and told me how he wasn't properly circumcised and sometimes had to unravel things in order to pee.   While it took me aback a bit and I  had a moment of "is this okay?"  I laughed it off.  He said he was happy to be seen out in public in his old neighbourhood with an attractive woman on his arm.   Again I kind of laughed it off.   What could I say?  There was nothing really wrong with that.   But maybe these incidents were signs. I took his request for help fitting his hernia belt as a joke...  Maybe my lack of reaction was implicit permission.   But I chose not to make an issue.  I didn't want to be one of "those" women.  You know, the kind that takes exception to everything that could be interpreted as an "inappropriate advance" even if it is accidental or consent was implied.  I didn't want to be like that.  My attitude to this job is to be caring, compassionate and yet maintain that professional distance.   And I thought I had done that!  I can't think of anything I could have said or done that would make him think I was open to his advance.   Was I too friendly?   Was saying I enjoy his company and we work well together seen as encouragement from me?   I am so saddened and yet angry that this has happened.   And when I told my close friends about it, they didn't seem overly concerned.   One said I might be overreacting a bit, a couple said they would have reacted the same way, and my therapist said, in view of my personal history that it's perfectly understandable that I would react this way.

Was it on purpose that he stood in the doorway of his bedroom so that I would have to go around him to leave?   Should I not have been in his room in the first place folding and putting away laundry?   But there is no place else to do it.  Even if I had folded it in the laundry room I still would have had to go in there and put it away.  Or carry the basket in there and leave it on his bed for him to put away.  But I never thought anything of going in there and doing what I did.  I do it every time I am there.   I will never forget that moment.  I knew something was up, but I wasn't sure what it was.  He never comes into the room to help fold.  And then the look on his face as he walked towards me.   Bashful, like a boy asking a girl to the prom.  He put his arms out...and placed them on my side at my ribcage as he said "I just realized that I didn't give you a New Year's kiss"  I was stunned.  I shut down.  I always shut down when I am in those types of situations.   Years ago I used to dissociate into someone else...someone who would go along with whatever happened.   Now I just freeze.   And I hugged him...I didn't think about it, I just did.  And then I left.   And I felt my spirits crash slowly to the ground.   And I was so profoundly disappointed.   He is such a nice man, so gentle, so kind and now he had gone and ruined everything.  Why?   I don't know what to do now.   I feel as though I can't go back.   And yet my therapist says to go one more time and if it happens again, and then talk to him.   But the thought of going makes me feel sick and anxious.  I want to quit my job and just hide at home.  It's too bad.   It's too sad.   You have shattered my ability to trust my own instincts.  I just know that I don't want to do this job anymore and I don't want to ever go alone into someone's home.

Epilogue:

I talked to my boss about this incident.  I felt bad doing it, but I had to.   I took a few weeks off work to decide what to do.  He talked to my boss and was extremely upset and apologetic and took full responsibility for what happened.  To him, it's just that he made a pass and offended me.   Now he wants to talk to me and apologize.   I am not ready for that.   I feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing, but the anxiety and the sadness are not going away.  Because of past traumas, this is larger than it would be for another person without my history. 

Anyway I have decided to just do driving seniors to appointments and grocery shopping from now on.  No more going in to apartments or rooms alone. 

#BellLetsTalk

I posted this on Facebook on BellLetsTalk day but decided it might be a good idea to put it on here too.

Anyone who has ever been late for an appointment, lost their keys, had a job interview or started school, or experienced any number of life's little disasters, knows what anxiety feels like. But imagine if you felt that way all of the time, day in and day out. Even when things are going great. Even when you have everything you ever wanted in your life. That's what General Anxiety Disorder feels like. That's what it feels like in my head without medication and counseling. It's a heart-pounding, thought racing, gut-wrenching way of existence that I have dealt with all of my life. It's worry to the nth degree.

It makes going anywhere outside my house difficult because my brain will happily show me scenarios of every single disaster that could happen to me...a tire flying off a truck, a bridge collapse, a car accident, a sinkhole, a plane crash, a terrorist attack, a car plowing into the window of the restaurant I am eating in, freak accidents too numerous to mention....it goes on and on.

It makes being social difficult because afterward, I analyze every single thing that was said to me or by me, looking for something I did wrong...did I talk too much, was I too bossy, obnoxious, depressing, annoying, was I showing off...and on and on.

It makes every single ache, pain, heart palpitation, headache, skin blemish, stomach cramp into something catastrophic...rare, aggressive forms of cancer are a huge fear of mine as is suddenly dropping dead from a misdiagnosed illness.

It makes me rehash mistakes from my past over and over and over again wishing I had done things differently, blaming myself for everything that went wrong. It's relentless. And because it is a General Anxiety Disorder it doesn't have a specific focus...it's like my anxiety is a mosquito flying around looking for a place to land and feed...sometimes it's my health, sometimes, it's my finances, sometimes it's my relationships. But it's always something...because if I am not feeling anxious...I am anxious about that. Anxiety also often comes with its best friend Depression and the three of us can have quite a party.

Luckily, however, with the help of medication and counseling a very supportive circle of friends and a good sense of humour, I am able to function in my life. I have learned techniques to keep the anxieties at bay most days....thought stopping, distraction, meditation to name a few. I know I am not alone in this, almost everyone I know has some form of anxiety. I don't present as an anxious person as frequently as I have in the past, although I have my days. . I am in a good place right now. But I wanted to post this on this day to raise awareness. Thanks for reading.

Introspective Retrospective

 I like to tell myself that New Year's Day is nothing special; that it's just another day except we change the year when writing the date.   Nothing really changes after all...all the shit from 2017 doesn't automatically disappear.  There is no "clean slate" or "new beginning" that people rave about and celebrate.  We don't become magically transformed overnight into that person who is finally going to "get it right".  Get healthy, get motivated, get nicer, get kinder, and so on ad nauseum.

Still, there is a small part of me that is drawn to all the hoopla.  A part of me that wants to believe it all.   The optimist that keeps my cynic in check and keeps me from becoming bitter and dreadful to be around.  Maybe we, as humans, are hard-wired to examine our lives at this time of year.  After the debauchery and excess of the Christmas season, when our bank accounts are empty and we are surrounded by a sea of gifts we don't need, when the "family" has finished being on their best Christmas behaviour and stopped the charade of closeness and gone back to their selfish ways, when the decorations are put away and the once vibrant tree is a sad pile of missing needles and broken branches lying in a heap at the curbside.   Ahead of us lies the cold stark gray winter when the most exciting thing that might happen is a snowstorm or "polar vortex" that we can talk about endlessly for weeks afterward.  Maybe that's why we buy into the fantasy of new beginnings.  We need it.  

So with all of that in mind, I have decided to do a retrospective of the past year.  I have not made resolutions because I believe they are just setups for disappointment and self-recrimination.  I have made commitments instead.  Is that the same thing?  Maybe, but commitment seems a less fraught word than resolutions.   Commitment is in regular type, while RESOLUTIONS looms large like a billboard in my psyche.  So, here are my commitments for 2018.

Health

Last August I began a healthier way of eating.   I started the Ketogenic lifestyle and I have had great success with it so far having lost 21 lbs. I haven't found it terribly difficult although the sugar demons got the best of me over the holidays.   Way too much temptation for my weak resolve.   So, for 2018 I am committed to continuing on this path and walking ...well trudging really... towards better health.   The energy is not where I need it to be so I will make a few changes to enable that to happen.   My schedule is much lighter than it was during the fall and I am committed to spending more time doing things that feed my spirit, as well as my body.  More art, more music, more activity. 

Relationships

At this time of year, I tend to hibernate and let things slide with friends. I don't want to leave my house unless I have to, which, to be honest, is true for me year round, but much worse in winter.   When I am not working, I am recovering and need time to be alone and at home.   But for me, this can become disconnecting.   My commitment in this area is to nurture those friendships that feed me, spend time with people I enjoy.   Spend time with my "want to sees" and less time with my "should sees".  I have a few friends that drain me and I need to seriously reconsider how those people fit into my life and if they should be there at all...I know it sounds harsh, but co-dependent relationships benefit no one.  

I am 100% committed to nurturing and strengthening the love relationship I have found.   I have never felt so committed, never wanted something so much.   This woman is exactly what I need and want in my life.   We are friends, and we are partners in life.   The total acceptance and love I feel from her, and for her, are a new and joyous thing.  It is not without its challenges, to say it was would be denying the richness of the relationship, because it's those challenges that strengthen us as we learn to understand and accept each other warts and all.  All relationship have those things, it's how the couple deals with them that makes or breaks the union.   We are always honest with each other, there is no game playing, no passive aggressive jabs, no sulking (well hardly any).  It's a good, positive thing in my life and I cherish it deeply.

My middle son has effectively removed himself and his family from my life.  The reasons will be the subject of another blog post that I will write when the pain lessens and I can have some perspective.  I am committed that letting go of that relationship.   There is no other choice at this time, the door is shut and barred.   There is a window cracked open where I can communicate with my oldest granddaughter but that window will slam shut if I make a wrong move.  All I can do is hope that someday she will wonder why I don't see her, she will wonder who this loving person is who texts her messages of love and support and she will seek me out.  And that hope burns blindingly bright.   My heart aches at times with the loss, and at other times there is anger so strong I want to drive to his place and take him over my knee and give him a good spanking because he is being such a child.  Anyway, as I said, another post.

The remaining two children will be in my life although not as constantly as I would like.  But I will take it, and I will accept that they have their own lives now and are busy with that.  That is as it should be.   I am committed to strengthening and healing my relationship with them.  If all my daughter wants from me is free babysitting then so be it.  That means a connection with the two girls.  If I have to swallow the bitter pill that is my daughter in law, then I will do that too because that means a connection with my granddaughter and my son.   It's all about compromise and accepting what is.   

Finances

The debt is slowly dwindling.   And I have come to accept that I cannot work as much as my spirit would like me to.  That two short shifts/ week is about it.   It's not about the work itself so much as it is the drive to get into the city.   It's half an hour each way in traffic and it exhausts me.  So I am committed to listening to my body and learning to say no when things get out of hand and I take on too much.  I would rather have a light schedule that I can be reliable with and have time on my hands than take on too much and end up having to disappoint people.  It means less money coming in, but that is the way it is.  I have enough for the life I have.

The beading is not going to pan out as a business and I have to accept that.  I don't have the energy or drive to make it work.  I will continue to create pieces, but for my own enjoyment and if someone wants something made, I will do that.    I have many areas of creativity that I enjoy and I am committed to making them more a part of my life than they have been.  I want to get back to writing, to painting, to photography and to making a journal.   All fun things!  

So, this ended up being a lot longer than I intended it to be  But that's okay.  I am trying to look forward to 2018 in spite of all of the scary news I am hearing.  I am trying to look forward to our trip to Florida in February and not dwell on the fact that I will be in the US at a time when it's on the brink of disaster.   

I wish for all of you reading this a safe and meaningful continuation of your life's journey.