Death Becomes Me

When I was a child, about 6 years old, I went through a phase where I thought constantly about death.  I would call my mom in to my room and cry that I didn't want to die.  And I was always wondering if I would come back as someone else.  I wanted to come back as a girl in my class because I thought she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen.  Being 6 years old I didn't realize I couldn't come back as someone who is already alive.   It took me years to figure out why I was so obsessed about death at a young age.  And then it hit me.  Every night I would kneel  beside my bed and say my prayers "Now I lay me down to sleep, pray the Lord my soul to keep, IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE, pray the Lord my soul to take."  Mystery solved.

But my fascination and about death didn't really end there.  I was always afraid that death was imminent.  I would lie awake and imagine I could see smoke pouring in my room.  I was sure the house was on fire and we were all about to die.  Again, it didn't occur to me that I couldn't smell the smoke...   I would also lie awake and listen for sounds of my mother downstairs, sure she was dead if I didn't hear her.   Alone in the house, I was terrified there was a man just waiting to murder me.

When my children were really young I would imagine all sorts of horrible things that could happen to them.  Thing I could not protect them from.  I drove myself crazy.  Then I got medication for an anxiety disorder and things settled down quite a bit.

Now, in my fuck it fifties,  I am still fascinated by death, I love murder mysteries, and crime shows.  And I think about it often.  I imagine terrible car accidents when I am out driving my car.  I never think I am going to die in a normal way.  I worry about freak accidents.  A truck wheel flying off and hitting me.  Coming to a sudden stop in traffic and having my jugular severed by the seat belt.  Things like that.  These are fleeting thoughts now, no longer obsessions.

I know realize that I am not afraid to die.  Not at all.  I don't believe in Heaven or Hell.  I think at best our souls move on to a different reality.  At worst we just fizzle out, everything goes black and that's it.  Like when you go to sleep at night and you have no conscious memory of time passing, or when you have surgery and they put you under.  I think that's what it is probably like.  I used to cry and grieve about all the stuff I would miss.  I used to worry that I would die alone in my apartment and no one would find me for days.  And then a counsellor gently pointed out that I would not be aware of any of that.  I would be dead.  My soul would be gone. So, I let those worries go.

I am afraid of suffering.  And I really think that's the real reason we fear death.  We don't want to suffer and then die.  We just want to wink out, like a falling star.  Here and then gone.  I want to die in my sleep, or else doing something that I love.  I want it quick.  I want people to be able say "she went peacefully" or "she never knew what hit her".  Or in my more vindictive moments I want people to say "wow, she really was sick, we should have listened to her".