Guilty By Nature

Guilty by Nature

Feeling guilty is as natural to me as breathing.  I probably felt guilty the minute I arrived in this world for causing my mother pain.  Guilt has been my constant companion throughout my life although the reasons have changed over the years.  These days it’s guilt for just existing on this earth as a human being.  Throw in a dash of shame and you have a pretty good idea of the dark part of my soul.  And if I occasionally don’t feel guilty about something, I feel guilty about that.  I could write a whole blog post about my guilt and it’s origins but this is not the time for that.

So it stands to reason that I am feeling guilty these days about this whole COVID-19 self-isolation thing.   I feel guilty because I feel I should be helping more, checking in on my senior friends daily, delivering groceries, volunteering at the food bank, making masks, or creating a funny music video to share on social media.  Things I hear about other people doing. 

I feel guilty because the quarantine is not causing me any suffering.  As I have said in other posts, I like being home.  I am comfortable and safe and have everything I need.  I feel guilty because I don’t feel I deserve it.  I should be suffering like so many others.  I shouldn’t be waking up in the morning glad to have nowhere to go.   I feel guilty for my privilege that I did nothing to earn.   The guilt runs deep.

I take comfort that I am not alone in this.  Guilt is a human condition felt by almost everyone for some reason most of the time.  And I am not the only one to be feeling guilty about the COVID-19 situation. 

 

I saw a post on Facebook that really helped me with this guilt and I want to share it with you:

YES, we can feel grateful AND disappointed about things being cancelled.

YES, we can enjoy extra time with loved ones AND feel overwhelmed by their presence.

YES, we can be hopeful AND feel like everything is falling apart.

YES, we can be a source of support for others AND prioritize our need to fill our own cup.

So, it’s okay to feel both those things.  Guilt-free.  We don’t have to feel guilty for having human feelings.  They are just feelings, not statements about our character.   We don’t have to feel guilty for not thinking of others first, for wanting things to be the way they were, for feeling hopeless.  It’s all normal.  So I will try to let go of the guilt and replace it with gratitude.   I will be grateful for my privilege. Yes, I am selfishly happy to stay home, but I am also helping flatten the curve which is the most important thing I can do.   It’s the most important thing any of us can do.

I don’t know if this post has made sense, but I am not going to feel guilty about that.