Emotional

Emotional

Emotional day today.  I woke up this morning and just felt off.  Wanting to cry, which is unlike me, and throw something, or go screaming down the street.  I have been pretty good in all of this so far.  I like to be home, I like my own company and that of my partner. Other than stubborn headaches on an almost daily basis I have been coping.  I knew I could go for a drive or for a walk in the park if the walls felt like they were closing in.  But those things are not possible now.  We are being asked to stay home.  Outings are limited to our own backyards.  Every day seems to bring new restrictions.  And even though most of the time I choose to be home, not having a choice about it has gotten me antsy. 

My son and daughter in law and granddaughter came by for a “distance visit”.   It was my granddaughter’s birthday last weekend and my son wanted to come and get the tricycle I had bought for her.   I wrapped it and put it at the end of the driveway, placed a measuring tape 6 feet from the street and we stood there and talked to them as they sat in their car.   Brianna is only 3 and didn’t really understand why she couldn’t get out of the car, but she seemed happy with the Happy Birthday headband that was attached to her present.  It was a good visit.   But it really brought home the confusion that surrounds this whole COVID-19 crisis.  We all have different opinions about it, and we all have heard conflicting information.  We all have our own concerns, theirs about their jobs, ours about our health.   And while we are respecting the conditions of this new reality, we have differing opinions about whether we think it is really necessary.   I try to explain to my son that there is nothing to be gained from the government doing all of this without cause.   I tell him that I think it is way worse than we are being told but I can see that he doesn’t agree.   However, we are able to discuss our differences good-naturedly and with respect and it’s a good visit.   I just longed to hug that little girl! 

The visit did a little bit to help my mood, but I still felt out of sorts.   There is so much I could do here at home.  Crafts I enjoy, and reading and several cleaning projects that need to be done.  But nothing appeals.   I want to run, although I am physically unable to do that.  My partner makes a few suggestions but nothing appeals.   Is this how I am always going to feel going forward, or is it just a bad day? 

I am wondering if it’s a grieving process.  I posted my mood on Facebook and was reassured to see several of my friends feeling the same way and offering encouragement and support.  And I think we are all grieving.   When the quarantine first started, it was like a snowstorm adventure.   All of us hunkering down, prepared to wait it out till the storm passed.   It was kind of exciting in a “we’ll get through this together” way.  But then the harsh reality set in as we saw the death toll climbing at an alarming rate, and as more and more freedoms were taken from us.   It’s gone from surreal to scary in a very short time.  And we can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.   Authorities are not offering any definitive answers.  We are floundering amid a sea of misinformation.   And so we are grieving for the way it used to be not so long ago even though it feels like months.  We grieve for our freedom to come and go, to go to work and school and our volunteer activities.   We grieve for the days when we could meet friends and go to eat and walk in the park.   And we wonder if we will ever see those days again.  No wonder we are emotional.   No wonder we have bad days.  It’s only human.

Still, we have hope.  We tell ourselves this will not last forever and I am hoping that is true.  I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day.   But I just don’t know.