Zoom

Zoom

Well I can’t believe I have made it to end of the month.  The last three letters have been very challenging and I am happy I got through it.  I want to thank everyone who stopped in and read my blog.  I hope you keep coming back to read my stories during StoryADayMay.

One of the ways I have been able to maintain contact with people is through video chat.  I have used the Facebook Messenger video chat with my granddaughters who are 6, 4.5 and 3.  They are always shy and not really talkative and the youngest really just likes to play with the filters on the phone that make her look like a bunny or a pizzahead.  But I still get to see them and hear their voices so it’s all good. 

 Zoom is another platform that has become very popular during this quarantine because it has the capacity to include hundreds of people.  We have been having our church services on Zoom on Sundays.  It’s been really good to be able to see people who don’t usually get out to real church for various reasons.  Now they can attend without leaving the house.  I like it because I can scroll through all the faces and watch how they act on camera.  It’s perfect for a people watcher like me and it’s totally discreet.  No one knows I am watching them.   I try not to think too hard about the fact that I am also being watched. 

 

You can also see your own face on a little square on the screen.  This can be both unnerving and enlightening.   That face you make that you think is cute?  Now you can see that maybe it’s not. I know I have a bitchy resting face but I didn’t realize how bitchy till I saw it on camera so now I make a point to smile more.   What is a bitchy resting face?  Well, your resting face is the face you make when you are not doing anything.  The face you wear most of the time.   Some people just naturally look bitchy or sad when their face is resting.  I do because my mouth naturally pulls down into a frown.  Even if I totally relax all my face muscles it still doesn’t look friendly.  So, I have to be conscious of that lest people think I am miserable which is generally not true.   Seeing myself on camera has also taught me that my face registers all my emotions even if my mouth is not expressing them.  I would never be a good poker player.   So we learn a lot about ourselves and others through Zoom.  

The host of a Zoom meeting has the ability to mute everyone’s microphones which is a real blessing because nothing is worse than 100 people talking all at once.  You can unmute your own mic when it’s your turn to speak.  Or you can type in a chat box at the bottom of screen which no one reads because it’s too distracting.  You also have the option of turning off your camera and just listening.  You show up as a black square with your name on it.   I think it makes you look either unfriendly or electronically challenged…or maybe just private, but you do you.

Zoom meetings have an interesting format.  For the first 5 minutes, there is a lot of  “Can you hear me now?”  “Can you guys see me?”  “Where’s Fred, Fred your camera isn’t turned on”  “Oh no, we’ve lost Ethel..”.  And then everyone gets sorted out and the meeting begins. Sometimes we lose people during the meeting, sometimes their mic isn’t working and we have to strain to hear them.  But for the most part, it’s a smooth way to connect.  You don’t have to worry about someone’s perfume or garlic breath and you can be as comfortable as it’s possible to be while you are at home and on camera. And the last words in every Zoom meeting are always “now how do I end this call?”

I have found that these Zoom meetings leave me feeling drained and headachy.   I thought it was just me, but apparently, it’s a thing.  Apparently, it takes a lot of energy to be present on a Zoom conference.  You are self-conscious about how you look so you are tense and maybe even distracted and might miss something that was said,  you might be straining to hear someone, you might be frustrated at trying to speak yourself.  It can be pretty intense and I find that after half an hour I have had enough. 

I am not looking forward to “peopling” again when this is all over, but I have no desire to limit my contact to just Zoom and other video chat platforms.  As convenient as it is, it doesn’t really replace person to person contact.  In a large meeting, you are just another square on the screen.  You miss the social cues and body language that help us to connect. But imagine what this whole pandemic would be like if we didn’t have these tools available to us.  Imagine if it happened pre-internet?   Boggles the mind doesn’t it?  So until we meet again, maybe I’ll see you on Zoom.

Yes

Yes

There is a song we sing at the church I go to and I don’t remember all of the words but for the chorus, we just keep repeating the word “Yes”.  I love this song and I love the feeling of singing the word yes over and over again.  I can’t help but feel my spirits lift.  Yes is such a wonderful word.  Who doesn’t like to hear it?   It  can be positive “Yes, you did a great job”, it can be encouraging “Yes, you can do it, I know you can”, it can signify agreement “Yes, you are right” and it can mean understanding and compassion “Yes, I know you are in pain.  I can’t imagine what it must be like”.   It’s a word of comfort, a word of consent, a word of confirmation.

What would happen if we all decided to say yes to everything just for one day?  Would it be freeing for you to let down your walls and let whatever life brings you just come on in?  Or does it feel scary to think of saying yes to everything?   What if you end up doing things you don’t want to do or you get too busy because you couldn’t say no to any requests.  What if you end up having to be compassionate where you have been angry and bitter?  

Thinking about my own mindset lately, I am going to imagine what tomorrow will look like if I say yes to everything that comes my way.  Not a lot is coming my way since we are in isolation so maybe I will modify this to saying yes when it comes to making a decision about self-care.   Something I seem to rebel against almost daily. 

The alarm goes off and I am faced with my first decision of the day.  Am I getting up or hitting the snooze button?  Yes, I am getting up.   Am I going to exercise?  Yes, I am going to exercise.   Am I going to shower or not?   Yes, it’s time to get in that shower.  And so it goes.  I decide that yes, I am going to have a healthy breakfast and agree that jujubes and a can of Coke is not healthy.   I sit down in front of the computer and decide that yes, I am going to write, and not play computer games all day.   I say yes to a healthy lunch, instead of potato chips. 

As the day goes on I start to notice a shift in the way I feel.  My attitude is starting to change and I realize that I am feeling happier.   I am up early, I am clean, I am fed and I am sitting at the table being productive.   How great is that?  

And then it goes deeper.   When the annoying woman from church sends me yet another unsolicited missive about the minutiae of her daily life, instead of hitting delete I decide that yes, I will read it.   And I am surprised that it is well written and entertaining.  When my partner asks if I would like to go get the mail, I say yes, I would love to go out in the real world.  And the walk in the fresh air does me good and I spend another few hours writing.   When the phone rings I decide that yes, I will answer it instead of letting it go to voicemail, and I offer comfort and a soft shoulder to a friend who is struggling.   Finally, at the end of the day when my partner asks if I am coming to bed, I say yes, and go up with her, instead of zoning out to the late news and the late-night talk shows.   As I climb into my bed, I realize I have had a very pleasant and productive day.   And I fall into a sound sleep.

Yes, I realize this is pretty simplistic.   But for just one day, it’s not a lot to ask of ourselves, is it?  To be positive and open? 

So, yes, this pandemic really sucks, but we are safe and healthy.   And yes, we don’t know what’s going to happen down the road but right now we can decide what to do with each day we are given. 

And yes, the provincial and federal government and all of our front line workers are doing a damn good job of getting us through this difficult time and we are so lucky to be living in Canada.

So just for one day, allow yourself to say yes, to love and to joy and to gratitude and see what happens.

X Factor

X Factor

Think you have never used algebra since high school?  Think it was a waste of your time to learn it?   Think again.   We use algebra every single day of our lives.   We are always trying to “solve for x”.   X is the variable, the unknown part of life’s equation.   Problem is, unlike algebra, we can’t really solve for x in our everyday lives.  We have no idea what the ‘x’ is.  It could be anything.  Maybe it’s that proverbial bus waiting around the corner to flatten you when things are going well.  Or maybe it’s the lover that leaves you at the altar.  Or the job you thought you were so secure in, suddenly laying you off.   Maybe x is the lottery ticket that just won you a much easier life.  Or the man of your dreams walking into the laundromat where you are washing your delicates.   It could be anything.  Right?   Even a pandemic that pulls the rug right out from under you.

“These are uncertain times” is a phrase we are hearing an awful lot these days.   And yes, these are uncertain times.  But are they any more uncertain than usual?   Sure, we don’t know when we are going to be able to live freely again without worrying about getting sick.  We don’t know if we will still have jobs, or if our business will recover.   We don’t know when the kids are going back to school.   We are uncertain as to whether this pandemic could happen again with a different virus.

But life is uncertain, right?  There we were minding our own business doing ‘a’ and ‘b’ and then all of a sudden we got hit by a hell of an ‘x’.   A virus.  We thought we would be dealing with severe  weather, or a climate crisis, or a war with Iran.  And every day since then we have been dealing with forced isolation and climbing the walls with boredom or finding creative ways to cope with all of this.  Just like we do every day as we deal with our various x-factors.   Illness, divorce, car trouble, an unexpected pregnancy, crime, a broken appliance…you get the idea.

I guess what I am saying is yes we are living in uncertain times, but that is life.   Unless we are clairvoyant, we are always uncertain about what lies ahead.   And all we can do is live each day….damn it I don’t want to say as if it’s our last that sounds so trite.   Okay, all we can do is live in the moment and appreciate everything we have.   We can embrace ‘x’ as an adventure or we can live in fear.   It’s our choice. 

Waiting

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.      Joyce Meyer

Waiting is a form of passive persistence.

Ogwo David Eminike

You don’t get everything all at once.   You wait.

Elizabeth Berg

We hate to wait, don’t we?  I don’t know anyone who has ever said they like waiting or they were good at it.  Our society wants everything now and everything fast.  The media feeds on our need for speed and convenience.  Everything from our electronic devices to the meals we eat is geared to give us instant gratification.   We even try and keep our children from ever having to wait for something.  We buy them everything they want, we drop what we are doing to pay attention to them, we park them in front of electronic devices in restaurants and in cars to make waiting easier.  We are busy, busy, busy, no time to waste waiting.  That’s why drive-through is so popular, it’s fast and we don’t have to wait in line.  It is so hard for us to wait!

And now, here we are with literally nothing to do but wait.   For some of us it’s been a relatively easy wait as we find ourselves with more time to do the things we never have time for and be with those we love.  Many people find the waiting difficult as they struggle to keep their businesses afloat, or pay their rent or put food on the table.  Some of us have had more than enough family time and we are anxious to get the kids back in school.  Kids are tired of waiting for school to restart so they can see their friends.  And even for us content to be at home, the novelty has worn off and we are tired of waiting for this pandemic to end so we can leave the house.   We want to go out to eat, we need haircuts and mani/pedi’s, and we want to visit our friends and family. 

 

The media has started talking about reopening the economy even while there are still people getting sick and dying. The government is warning us to still stay home and on the other hand talking about a plan to get us back to our normal lives.   Everyone is getting restless.  Some to the point of protesting because they feel their civil rights are being violated as we stay home to keep people from dying.   There is so much confusion out there about the best way to go about reopening and people don’t know what is the right thing to do.

People.  Please listen to the health officials and do what they say.  They know what they are talking about.   They know through experience and study that it is too soon to start sending people back out in the world.   The danger is real for a second wave that will be worse than the first one.  It will be more virulent and end up costing the economy way more than if they just take their time and be sure this virus is gone for good.   They are saying we will still have to take precautions.  They talk about wearing masks and gloves when we leave the house and continuing with social distancing for the foreseeable future.  That means waiting in line to go into stores.  I can’t see people putting up with that much longer.

So use this time to learn how to wait.  Take a deep breath and focus on the positive aspects of this quarantine.  And if you can’t find anything positive, then remind yourself that this will pass, we will get through it, if only because time marches on and we go along with it.  Wait.   It’s hard, but you can do it.   Don’t rush this  pandemic or there will be consequences.

Just wait.

Vigil

Vigil

Last night we watched a vigil on t.v.  Nova Scotia Strong, to honour the victims of the terrible mass shooting that took the lives of 22 people.  The saddest part of the whole thing was the inability for the community to come together and support each other because of the pandemic Stay at Home order.   Instead, people came together virtually to offer comfort and support in word and song.  There were many singers, known and unknown who sang songs of hope and there were messages from pastors, town councillors and political leaders.  It was a wonderful tribute and not one mention was made of the name of the shooter which is as it should be.

The most poignant tribute, the one that made this cynic’s eyes fill with tears, came from Natalie McMaster as she played her fiddle along with the video of 17-year-old Emily Tuck who was the youngest victim.  They played the waltz “In Memory of Henry Macleod”.  As I watched I couldn’t help thinking about how that young girl had no idea she only had a day or two left to live.  She was playing her fiddle as part of a COVID Kitchen party, thinking that was the worst thing she had to worry about.  Watching her innocence filled me with a sadness that had no words.

It always amazes me how many people come together in times like this.  Because of my jaded or cynical nature, I tend to roll my eyes at the sentiment.  Adding the word “strong” to the name of the province, lighting up city halls and the CN Tower in the colours of their flag, signs saying “We are in this together”,  make me want to say “oh please.  This is not going to help.”  And it’s true it won’t bring back those that are lost.  Most of the people that took part in the vigil will go back to their regular lives, leaving the victims families to grieve.   But in this case, where there was no opportunity for comfort and the hugging and holding so necessary in times of great loss. The sentiment was perfect.  I am sure the victim’s families were overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and love.

 

A man, a monster, fuelled by an unholy rage, wanted only to cause death and destruction and pain on a community for reasons no one can fathom.  He saw no beauty in this world, had no compassion for the people he called neighbour and in some cases, friend.   He just wanted people to pay whatever debt he imagined in his mind, and he wouldn’t let anyone stop him, not even innocence bystanders.  But he failed.  Yes, he left death and destruction behind.  But he also left a community coming together in love and support and the strength to carry on.  They will heal and rebuild and go on with their lives.   And he will fade into infamy.  And, if there is such a place, he will burn in hell. 

Unitarian Universalism

Unitarian Universalism

I was going to write about Unity and the Nova Scotia Strong vigil I watched tonight, but my heart is so heavy I can’t find the words.   So instead I will write about why I became a Unitarian Universalist.  I am not proselytizing, I am just sharing my faith journey.   My faith is not for everyone and I wouldn’t dream of forcing my beliefs on anyone.

My Nan, whom I loved very much, was a very religious woman.  She read her bible every day and went to church every Sunday, taught Sunday school and was a member of the Ladies Aid better known as the bake sale ladies.  There were pictures of Jesus all around her house.  But she wasn’t priggish about it, or holier than thou.  It was just an enduring faith she had and desperately wanted her grandchildren to feel as well.   She would take us to church with her when we visited and that was about it.  Except for one thing.  She instilled in us a deep fear of the wrath of God.  Her God was a punishing one and I was terrified of him.  I was told that if I wasn’t good that God would punish me.  I was told that only good people get to go live with God in heaven, which is a wonderful place.  

This terror of God planted by my Nan was the little seed of guilt that started in my young soul and grew stronger throughout my life.  I knew I was not a good kid, I had been told that in so many ways.  And every night I would pray  to God to forgive me for my sins.   I decided that the only way to avoid the wrath of God was to become a very good girl.  And I tried so hard!  But I failed often and the guilt was crushing.

My Nan told me I had to go to church every Sunday if I loved Jesus.  And she would ask me all the time if I was going.  Problem was, my father was an atheist, and my mother only took us to church a couple of times.  Jesus just wasn’t on the radar in my family.  So I started going to church with friends.  Whoever was my best friend at the time, I would go to their church.  So I was United, Baptist, Methodist, and Anglican all before I turned 18.  And my deep guilt made me ask Jesus into my heart at each church I went to.  I never felt he stayed there because I wasn’t good.

When my kids were little I took them to Sunday School because I felt it was important that they have a foundation of religion.  It made it easier for me when they asked the tough questions.  I could say “well that’s the way God wanted it”.  Kind of passing the buck I guess.  But I really went through a time of feeling close to God and I was happy going to the United church near us.   My husband didn’t share my beliefs and eventually, my children started pushing back about going so I dropped it.   His offers of a fun hike instead of boring church were too hard for them to resist.   When we moved to Dundas I started attending church in Hamilton.  When my marriage was heaving its last gasp I had a traumatic experience with the minister I turned to for help and I left the church and turned my back on religion for several years.

When I came out as a lesbian I started to feel a need for a spiritual connection.  I have indigenous roots and I wished there was a church that held those same values.  I tried pagan worship , but it was a bit too fringy for me and attracted people that I felt uncomfortable with.  I feared I would never find that spiritual home I so longed for. 

And then I discovered the First Unitarian Church of Hamilton.  I first attended because it was gay friendly and I was hoping to meet a nice woman there.  But I fell in love with the church and realized I had found the spiritual home I had been longing for.  The key concepts in the Unitarian Universalist principles are: The inherent worth and dignity of all people; equity and compassion; acceptance of one another; responsible search for truth meaning; the democratic process; peace, liberty, and justice for all and respect for the interconnected web of existence.  Perfect.  No trinity, no punishing God, no guilt. 

I have been a member for 10 years now.  I have made some solid friendships. I like the music and I like the ritual of the service.  It’s down to earth and welcoming.   Like all things, there is a downside.  UU churches tend to attract well educated, professional, wealthy people.  It can be elitist in that way.   Sometimes I feel inadequate around them but that is my own issue, not theirs.   My life is better for having found this church and I can’t see myself ever going back to my Christian confusion.   I have become a better, more compassionate and open-minded person.  The person I have wanted to become for so long.

And I did meet a nice woman who is also a Unitarian!

Toolbox

Toolbox

What’s in your toolbox?  I don’t mean the one in your closet with a hammer and a flashlight in it.  I mean your toolbox for your life.   The one that has your tools in it for coping with whatever life throws at you.  “Tools” is the buzzword for coping mechanisms.  It seems we all need tools.  And because of our forced quarantine, we need even more tools than we did before.  We need power tools if you will.

Years ago when I first heard about a toolbox I had no idea what it meant.  I wasn’t coping with life very well at the time and had no tools.  (Count how many times I use the word tools in this post).  I had weapons.   Passive aggression, sarcasm, defensiveness, avoidance, I had them all.  But with the help of therapy and medications, I have managed to build a pretty good toolbox and put down my weapons…most of the time.  So I am going to share some of my favourite tools here to maybe help you cope better with this pandemic, or with life.  That is if you are having trouble coping.

Power tools:

Medication: There is no shame in using medication to help you cope with mental health issues, or to get you through a tough time.  I have been coping with depression and anxiety most of my adult life and for years I resisted taking meds because I thought it meant I was weak, or crazy.  I felt I would not really be me if I was medicated.   Eventually, I accepted the fact that I had a chemical imbalance and the medication was correcting that for me.  It also lifted me out of my depression enough to be able to use the next power tool in my box.

Talk Therapy:   I can’t stress enough the benefits of talking to another person about your struggles.  Preferably a trained person like a counsellor or a psychologist.  It’s important to find one that you click with, that you feel comfortable enough with to really open up.  You can go for just a short time and talk about an issue…like a pandemic and the resulting isolation.  Or you can go for a long time and work out childhood trauma.  You can vent and cry without being judged or you can sit in silence without worrying about wasting time.  It is a very valuable tool.

Once you have gotten through the really tough parts you can start adding the smaller but equally as powerful hand tools to your toolbox.  These are durable and can last a lifetime.

These are just a few of the many hand tools available 

Journaling: 

I started a journal when I was 13 years old, after reading Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl.  I kept the journals right up until I got married at 20.  I have kept journals off and on since then.  I believe that these journals have saved my life more than once.  Particularly the ones I wrote during my teenage years.  Journaling is an excellent way to vent your feelings, write things out and come to a solution, or try out different ideas, in a totally safe way.   A word of caution, hide your journals if you don’t want them to be read.   For years I thought my mother was psychic; I realized years later that she was just nosy.

  

Reading

There are hundreds of books on the market about ways to cope with life.  You can make yourself crazy if you read them all because everyone has different theories and ideas.  But if you find an author or two that you really like reading can be very helpful and informative.

Gratitude

This is something that gets talked about a lot.  But practicing gratitude really helps with depression and anxiety.  It’s really hard to do when you are in the slough of despond and can’t find a single thing to be grateful for.  On days like that, you can be grateful for getting out of bed, for breathing, for having food to eat.  Try to think of five things you are grateful each day.  It can even be incorporated into your journaling. 

Humour

Laughter truly is the best medicine.  Having a good laugh does more for your soul than any medication.  There is a radio station in Hamilton that plays stand up comedy all day long.  Funny 820 AM.  I listen to it in the car all the time and I love it.  I am a big fan of stand up comedy.  As I mentioned in a previous post I love to laugh, and see the humour in most situations, even if that humour is a bit dark.   Find something that makes you laugh!

Meditation

My struggles with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder make this a hard tool for me to use.  I have trouble clearing my mind, and being still for very long.  But you don’t have to do it for long.  Even 5 minutes can do a lot to calm your mind and renew your spirit.  I try to take some time, when I remember, to just be still and quiet.  There are several apps available to help you.  If you have trouble clearing your mind, try guided meditations.  It’s a process, one that gets easier the more you do it. Be patient with yourself.

Anxiety exercises

I have a few favourite tools for when the anxiety gets the best of me.  One is to focus on my arms and legs.  When we are anxious all of our energy seems to gather in our gut.  By focusing on your arms and legs, you redirect that flow outwards. It sounds so simple and it is, and it’s very effective.

The other tool is chanting.  Just repeating a phrase over and over again. It could be lyrics to a song that you find soothing, or it could be a prayer.  It’s different for everyone.   My chant is “when I breathe in, I breathe in peace; when I breathe out, I breathe out love”.

These are just a few of the tools in my toolbox.  I have many more such as music, colouring, crocheting, beading, and painting.  Anything that takes you out of your head is a good tool for coping in trying times.

I know that for most of you what I am saying here is probably stuff you already know and may already be doing.  I am sure that some of you are even familiar with the toolbox metaphor.  But I also know that in times of extreme stress we can revert back to old ways, we can forget about our toolbox and bring out the weapons again.  I am hoping that by writing this it will remind you of the resources you already have and help you get to the light at the end of this very long tunnel.

Strength

Strength

On this Earth Day, I feel compelled to write about the strength of our planet to withstand all that we have done to it.  Although it has paid a steep price through rapid extinction, mass deforestation, chemical-laden skies and plastic and oil-filled oceans it still manages to sustain us.   The trees are still green, the oceans and lakes still blue, the sun still shines through the haze.  It endures.   And in some cases, it thrives.  In the few weeks that we have been in quarantine, the earth has started to heal.  The skies are clearing, the air cleaner, the lakes and rivers replenishing themselves with clear water. 

More and more the earth has been venting its rage at us for our disrespect, negligence and neglect.  An increase in severe weather, wildfires, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions and hurricanes all send us a message to sit up and take notice.   We can’t continue to treat her the way we do.  We can’t live without her, but she can and will live without us.   She is proving this by thriving while we struggle to fight a tiny little virus germ.  She is stronger than we are.   We are no match for the strength of our planet. 

On this day, as we should every day, we must stop and take notice of the bounty of our planet and send up a prayer of gratitude.

Rebirth

Rebirth

The first service I ever attended at the First Unitarian Church of Hamilton, was the Easter service.  I was curious about how a non-Christian church would handle this particular service.   Would they totally disregard the resurrection and just treat it like any other Sunday?  Would they adopt the Christian beliefs for one Sunday and talk about Jesus.  I was pleasantly surprised by what happened and that service was the main reason I have become a Unitarian.

The service leader was Linda Thomson, who is now a Unitarian Minister.  She told the children’s story that day.  And it was beautiful.  She talked about how the earth dies in the fall but is reborn again in the spring with new buds, new flowers.  How our lives are full of beginnings and endings, we leave the womb to start a new life, we leave infancy and become toddlers, toddlers become preschoolers and so it goes.  When she was talking about spring and the “resurrections” that occur in nature she mentioned that the Christians believe in a man named Jesus and that he died and was born again.   I am just giving you the gist of it here as it was 10 years ago, so I may not be totally accurate but you get the point.  Life is full of small deaths and rebirths. 

I don’t know if it’s my Indigenous roots or if everyone feels this way but I feel intensely connected to the earth. My mental and physical health are very affected by the weather and the changing seasons.  I feel weather changes coming and I feel seasons changing on a deep, primal level.  Not like oh it’s cold it must be winter or look at the grey clouds, rain is coming.  More like I feel a shift in the energy around me.  On a cloudy day I can sense the moment just before the sun comes out.  There is a lightening in the energy.  In the fall I feel what I call a “drawing down” as the earth gets ready to sleep for the winter.  In the spring I feel a “burgeoning” as the trees bud and the flowers poke their faces up from the earth.  

Right now with all of this pandemic and quarantine, I can feel the peace and silence of a world at rest.  I have rarely left the house in these past weeks, and I can’t see the street or any businesses from my windows.  But I feel a sense of quiet.  And it’s not sombre.  It’s the earth resting.   Taking a welcome breath of cleaner air.  Enjoying the lack of human activity.  Being just what they are, trees, and plants and animals untouched and unthreatened by us.   The way they were before we came alone and polluted the air, and bulldozed their habitats.  I love this feeling.  I love the gentleness of this spring.   Even though it is still cooler than normal, it has been a very mild spring here in our corner of the world.  Not much rain.  A few flakes of snow.  Lots of sunshine.  It gives me a feeling of hope that all will be well.  I know in my mind that we still have a long way to go.  But in my soul, I feel the healing and the burgeoning all around me.

Take a few minutes out of your day and just stop and listen and tune in to the energy around you.   Feel the burgeoning and the hope of spring. Smell the wakening earth.  See the buds and sprouts and blossoms.  Allow yourself to feel that, no matter what is going on with you, life will go on in one form or another. 

Questions

Questions

It’s been a difficult few weeks for everyone the world over as we struggle to cope with this pandemic and the isolation it has caused.  For the most part, we are soldiering on, thankful that our numbers are starting to drop and that we here in Canada are doing better than a lot of other countries.  We are proud to be Canadians, proud of our strength and our ability to pull together in a crisis.  We are filled with hope as we see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. 

And then in a quiet area of the beautiful province of Nova Scotia, an unspeakable tragedy happens.   A gunman shoots and kills at least 19 people in 16 different crime scenes.  He sets 5 fires and authorities say the death toll is certain to rise after the remains of the buildings are investigated.  One of the dead is an RCMP officer and mother of two young children.  She was doing her job and it cost her her life.  This man dressed in an RCMP uniform and outfitted his car to look like a police vehicle.  His crime spree lasted 12 hours and covered 90 km before police shot and killed him.   The tragedy is compounded by the fact that because we are under quarantine families cannot come together to comfort each other.  People who thought the worst thing they had to deal with was COVID-19, are now faced with insurmountable grief at these senseless crimes.

As I watch the news coverage and interviews with the victim's families, I am overwhelmed with sadness and filled with so many questions.  Why?  What caused this man, with no criminal record, to go on this rampage and take so many lives.  Rage?  He must have had a tremendous amount of rage to carry on for so long.  Was he a psychopath that had no feeling for his fellow human beings?   There doesn’t seem to be any evidence to that effect but it’s still early days.  Some of those killed were friends and neighbours of his, but some were just random people.  Innocent people who were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  One woman was walking in the woods.  Another man stopped to look at one of the fires and was shot on the street.  There were victims whose homes were destroyed with them inside.  Why?? Did his already troubled mind become even more unhinged because of the enforced isolation we have been under?  Did he see this as a perfect time to commit his crimes because he could go relatively unnoticed in his fake police car on the deserted streets of a town doing as they were told to stay safe? 

How are people supposed to move past this?  How are they supposed to grieve when they are not allowed to be with their families.  No casseroles, no hugs, no shared stories and memories of those lost.  How are they supposed to get closure from their loss when they can’t even have a funeral?  The community and the rest of the country have rallied around the best way they can with tributes and vigils and demonstrations of grief and support, but it’s not the same as having your family together in a difficult time. 

What can be done to prevent this from ever happening again?  How did this man get a uniform and the decals for his car?  How did no one know he was coming undone?   There was too much planning involved with this for it to be just someone snapping.   It was clearly premeditated.  What is not clear is the motive.  

I have no answer to these questions.  I only know what I have heard on the news.   The questions crowd into my head along with the questions about the pandemic.  I can’t think straight.  My head aches with the sheer volume of them. 

So many questions about this virus and what is going to happen going forward.  How do we know when it really is safe to go back to our lives?  What if it’s too soon?  What if it happens again?  What if another virus comes along, even worse than this one, one that gets into our water?  What if we run out of food?  What if the economy totally collapses and we go into a depression?  What if all this forced confinement breeds more lunatics like the one in Nova Scotia and violence skyrockets? 

 

Yes, I am driving myself crazy.  I know I need to trust in the universe that all will be right again.  But it’s hard when every day something new comes along to put more questions into an already troubled brain.  The world doesn’t feel safe.   What happened in Nova Scotia could happen anywhere.  As Canadians, we like to smugly think we are so much better than other countries, because we are polite, and we are peaceful and non-violent.  But we are not immune.   And, I am not a religious person, but tonight I am saying a prayer for each and every one of us.

Pet's Pandemic

Pets

So how are your four-leggeds doing these days?   We hear so much about how the human population is coping with this pandemic but not very much about our animal companions.   Their whole lives have been uprooted as well.  This is not really any easier on them than it is on us.   They can’t tell us how they are feeling and their stress-related behaviours are often met with disapproval and punishment by their humans.  Imagine being scared and anxious and confused and not able to speak.

Our pets are having to adapt to us being home all day now.  And in some cases, it really cramps their style.  Consider the dog who is not allowed on the couch or the bed, but when the human is away he revels in the freedom to do just that.  Or the cat who shares “her chair” with her human because she knows she will get her chance later on.   Consider the high strung puppy who does well with his calm and patient human but now that human is stressed and anxious as well. With tight budgets maybe the food they are eating is not the quality they are used to and they are having stomach distress.   These pets have to express their feelings somehow and the only way they can do it is through their behaviour.   So they may start chewing on things, or refusing the litter box, or hiding, or engaging in excessive licking and scratching. And the humans get even more stressed because their beloved pet is acting out.  It’s a vicious circle.

Or maybe this pandemic has been good for your pet.  You are home now and taking Fido on several walks a day just to get out of the house.  You maybe be feeding Fluffy more treats and playing with her more often because you are bored.   Your pets are happy with all the attention and love and treats.  But this won’t last forever.  What will happen when things are back to normal and you are gone again?

Our pets are so connected to us emotionally.  I had a cat once who used to meow loudly whenever someone in the family raised their voice.  Several cats I have had have shown empathy by crawling all over me when I am upset.   Another cat used to show his displeasure when we left him overnight by pooping in the middle of our bed.   And then there was the time my partner woke in the middle of the night to find the cat on her chest chewing on the left strap of her pajamas.  He had never done this before and hasn’t since.   Two days later she was diagnosed with breast cancer…in her left breast.   Sends shivers down your spine, doesn’t it?

Pets are emotional creatures and we tend to take them for granted knowing they will always be there for us when we need them.   Even cats in their own way.  We need to remember that they need us too, not just for walks and food, but for company and love and affection.   And during this pandemic, it would do us good to remember that they are affected as well and to give them just a little extra patience and love. 

Obedience

Obedience

noun

compliance with an order, request, or law or submission to another's authority.

Obedience and all its forms is not a popular word.  You don’t hear obey and disobey or disobedience anymore. The buzz word is compliance or non-compliance.  Obedience is for dogs.  Yesterday I was going to write about non-compliance but decided I needed to write about my Nan instead and so today I am dusting off the word obedience as my O word.  If you are offended by the word obedience and its submissive connotations then you have my permission to mentally substitute the word compliance.

I think it is part of the human condition to be disobedient. We love to flout the rules and “cheat” a bit in our every day lives.  We don’t like to obey every single rule.  We get a thrill out of disobeying, it makes us feel naughty and rebellious and we seem to like that.  You don’t think so?  Let me ask you this then.  Have you ever driven over the speed limit?  Failed to slow down at a yellow light?  Even driven through a red light late at night when no one is around?   Have you ever cheated on your diet?  Snuck in that forbidden piece of cake and revelled in the guilty pleasure?  Have you ever done something and sheepishly said I know I am not supposed to do this but I don’t care.  We all do it.  It’s how we maintain our sense of freedom, it’s what makes us feel like adults who can do whatever they want and you’re not the boss of me.   Sure, we know there are limits, and we follow them most of the time.  We don’t steal things, we don’t harm others, we don’t cheat on our spouses.   We are civilized.   We know we have to be that way or we would be in total anarchy.   So, we obey and call it compliance because that sounds so much better.  I will comply with your request is easier to swallow than yes, I will obey you. 

In this day and age where everyone is screaming about their human rights and their freedom to be who they are no matter what, it seems there is more and more disobedience in our society. More often we are hearing people saying they have a human right to do whatever they want because this is a free country. I like to think this happens more in the U.S than here in Canada, but we are not a country of saints either.  And this is a scary state of affairs, especially in this pandemic.

So many people I know are not obeying the rules set out by the World Health Organization or by our Prime Minister or our Premier.  They aren’t practising social distancing, they are not staying out of conservation areas or parks even when there are signs clearly forbidding them to be there.   They “have a right to live my life”. They are going for drives, ignoring the rule about non-essential travel.   They are ignoring the Stay At Home order because” it’s a free country and you can’t make me stay home if they don’t want to”.  So, they sneak out to have coffee with neighbours, or see their grandchildren or have a birthday party with just a few people.  They don’t realize or don’t care that their lack of obedience to the rules is putting everyone in jeopardy.   This is a very serious virus that can be transmitted without the person even knowing they are sick!   So just because you are healthy it doesn’t mean you can’t carry the virus to someone else.  And if that someone is immune-compromised it can be life-threatening.  We are supposed to be acting as if we have the virus, people!  Stay at home.  I know it’s hard.  Life is hard sometimes but we have to take these extreme measures whether we like it or not.

There is a disturbing trend happening now in the U.S that has me feeling very anxious.  People are starting to protest the stay at home order and demanding that the government reopen the country and get the economy going again.   They are protesting in groups, with no masks, and no social distancing!  It’s terrifying.   There will be people in those demonstrations who will infect or be infected because we are not through this yet!   People!  It’s your health, your life, you are risking.  The economy is just money.  Yes, we are struggling, but we are ALL struggling and the only way to stop the struggling is to OBEY the laws and stay home!  I really hope this is not a sign of things to come.  We will never be free of the virus if people start congregating in groups to protest.  I shudder to think what it will take to make people see how dangerous they are being.  And I am fervently hoping that Canadians have the good sense not to demonstrate!

Nan

Nan

Her name was Jean Rosalind Forbes.  She grew up desperately poor, one of 16 children, in Eastern Ontario.   She didn’t have much education and her life was hard.  When she was 18 her family married her off to Charles Griffiths a man 40 years her senior.  Her family was glad for one less mouth to feed.   The man she married had emigrated from Wales. They had one son, Robert Charles.  Her husband was in ill health and had many strokes over the years.  She spent her life taking care of him until he died at 93.  She was 53.  In the small town where she lived everyone knew her as Auntie Jean, who loved all the kids and taught Sunday school at the Presbyterian Church.  I just called her Nan.  She was my father’s mother and I loved her with all my heart. 

For reasons I never knew and never would, she was estranged from my father and her grief over this knew no bounds.   While he was married to my mother he made his duty visits with his wife and kids.  But once my parents divorced he never saw her again.  But I remained in her life.   

Although we lived quite far away, my brother and I would spend Christmas vacation and three weeks in the summer with her.  Once my father left it was harder for us to go and see her and sometimes a few years would go by with no visit.  But I would write to her, not as often as she would have liked but I did my best.  When she died I found all the letters I had ever written to her in an envelope among her possessions.   She loved me deeply.   In a family who adored my brother, she was the one person who loved me unconditionally and I knew I was her favourite. 

We had so much fun with our Nan.  She was funny and always up for a good time.  Visits to her were always wonderful.   We felt loved, we got lots of attention, we ate good food from the garden, we had adventures.   I have so many memories of her.  How she would take her teeth out at night and come and scare us with her toothless grin and we would laugh and squeal.   The cream of wheat she would make us for breakfast that was so good and that I can’t recreate to this day.  I don’t know what it was, maybe it was the brand she used, or maybe the kind of brown sugar, or maybe just that it was made with love.  She loved to take us for walks and we’d do the errands.  The post office, the bank, the grocery store.   Everywhere we went people would greet her cheerfully and kids would call out to Auntie Jean.   We would go to Sunday school and feel important because we were the teacher's grandchildren.  We always tried to be so good for her because she was so good to us. 

 

In spite of her lack of real education, my Nan loved to read, and do crossword puzzles.  She got her education from life, and from the books she read.  She never talked about how hard it was to live with my grandfather, but we could see it.  He could barely walk, was deaf, and I never heard him speak a word I understood.  Later I realized he was probably speaking Gaelic since he was from Wales.  He was “senile” and would run away from home on a regular basis.  She would have to go look for him and bring him back home.  Sometimes a neighbour would call and tell her they had found him.  I was told that I loved my Poppa, but I don’t remember being anything other than afraid of him. 

A big part of who I am today is because of her influence.  My love of jigsaw puzzles comes from the memory of the times we spent putting them together at her place.  We had to sing a song every time we got a piece in.   I think of that every time I do a puzzle.  It’s a good memory.   I remember sleeping on a cot between Nan and Poppa’s twin beds and how they snored!!  But to this day snoring doesn’t bother me…it’s a comforting sound that reminds of me of them.  

People were always popping in for visits during the day and she was close to two of her sisters and when the three of them got together there was always a lot of laughter.  My sense of humour definitely comes from my father’s side of the family.   Nan had a wonderful ability to laugh at herself and others.   But she was kind.  She liked to take us with her to the nursing home to visit the residents there.  I remember being afraid of some of them, the ones that were muttering and wandering around lost.  But I loved the old ladies and I remember one in particular who kept talking about her toilet.  Nan said she was sentimental, but she meant senile.  I still love elderly people to this day and I know I got that from her. 

She never had much, but she was always cheerful and I think she taught me that you don’t have to have a lot of money to have a good and meaningful life.   She had a deep faith and talked often about Jesus.

When I was expecting my first child I wanted my Nan to come and stay with me when I had the baby.   But my husband insisted on having his mother there and I didn’t ask her.   The day before my daughter was born Nan was in a serious car accident where everyone died but her.   She was critically injured and ended up losing her leg.  It took me years to stop blaming myself for her accident.  If I had held my ground and insisted that she come and stay with me, she never would have been in that car.  She lived for 7 years after that and then died as a result of complications from her injuries.  She spent the last 5 years of her life in a nursing home.  My husband didn’t like her and never wanted to visit her even though we drove right by her nursing home on the way to see his parents.  If we did stop by it was for a very short time. I felt guilty because the summer she died he refused to go and see her and made me lie and tell her we couldn’t come.  I think she died of a broken heart.

She died in 1987 alone in the nursing home.  Because of a miscommunication, I missed the funeral.  I have never truly grieved for her.   The guilt gets in the way.  I have her harmonica, and a cassette tape of her playing it, and I have never listened to it.  I have the mantle clock that lulled me to sleep every night when we stayed with her.  I can still hear the sound of the chime.  But I have not been able to bring myself to wind it since she died because it’s too painful. 

 

I miss her more than I can say and I wish my children could have known her the way I did.   She would have brought so much into their lives.   They loved to hear the stories about her when they were little.  

I am hoping my grandchildren will have the same fond memories of me as I do of my Nan.  I want to honour her memory in this way. 

Manipulation

Manipulation

Every day, especially in this time of social media and 24 hour news, we are being manipulated.  We may not even know it’s happening, it’s insidious and pervasive.  But it’s there and it’s what makes us watch what we watch, like who we like, buy what we buy and vote for who we vote for.   News articles slanted that hit us right in the “feels”, that magnify our fears and insecurities.  Commercials that tell us how we need to live, what kind of person we should be, what we need to buy in order to be a successful person, a good parent, a competent employee.  We are unable as a society to sit in silence so we are always plugged in to something, the t.v, our phones, our computers etc.  It’s like we have an IV drip of manipulation jammed right into our jugular veins.  We can’t escape it.

And even if, like me, we like to tell ourselves we are immune to all of it, we are not.   I don’t like to watch CNN but my partner does and it is on a LOT.  I try to ignore it and pretend I don’t care.  But it seeps into my subconscious.  And the commercials which are almost exclusively about medications and their side effects saturate me with needless anxiety-causing information.   I am obnoxious to watch television with because the commercials drive me crazy and I don’t hold back on my criticism and ridicule of how they treat us like we are brainless sheep.  I can’t help it.  And that, whether I want to admit it or not, is me being manipulated in a different way.

Now, here we all are, a captive audience.  Because of the pandemic, we are isolated in our homes and we are even more susceptible to the manipulation of the media.  Every single day, every single news program talks about almost nothing but COVID-19.  It’s like there is nothing else going on in the world but the pandemic.  But there is stuff going on.  All the issues that made headlines before all of this started are still there even though we aren’t hearing about it.   But the media doesn’t want us to hear about them anymore because it needs us to be scared.  It needs us to believe that this virus is the only thing.  Why?  Look what happens to us because of everything we are being bombarded with.  We panic and hoard food and toilet paper and sanitizing wipes and Lysol.  Because we are scared we do whatever the media and the government tells us to do.   And they make us believe that we are choosing this of our own free will.  They tell us how great it is that we have all come together in this time of need.  They tell us we are heroes for going to work every day, that we are “front line” workers.  They call this a war. 

But think of this.   Would you willingly stay home from your job for a month, losing pay and causing your family untold stress and anxiety if you didn’t have to?  Would you risk losing your business because you want to protect our health care system or those who are vulnerable?  Would you go to work and expose yourself to this deadly virus if you didn’t need the money to pay your bills?   Would you?  Honestly?   If the government had not shut down everything would you have decided on your own to self-isolate or social distance?   Would you be paranoid about germs if you hadn’t heard it on the news how virulent this is? 

I know what you are thinking.  We aren’t being manipulated, we are being informed.  This is a serious crisis and we need to know what is going on.   I agree.  And I am not for one moment suggesting that this whole thing is not a serious threat, the numbers don’t lie. I can’t conceive of any reason why the government would do all of this to us when it’s clearly causing a great deal of hardship for them as well.  There seems to be nothing in it for them.  But the media benefits from our fear, it’s what drives ratings and sells papers.  We are glued to our devices and hungrily feeding on every single update.  Look at the way it is presented to us.  Not just with facts and information, which is important.  But do we really need to see the hard-luck stories, the gut-wrenching grief of people who have lost a loved one?   Every night there are stories of drive-by celebrations, special things done for people with special needs, feel-good stories about people who are doing something good for the cause, stories of incredible hardships.  They manipulate our emotions constantly. 

I am thinking about the days before the internet and social media.  The days before we were constantly plugged in.  Remember those days?  We watched the news at 6 and 11.  And we read the paper.   A talking head would deliver the days news without emotion, without comment, with an impartial attitude.  Were we less compassionate then?  Less willing to pull together as a community to help in a crisis?   I don’t think so.   I think we might have been more so.  We weren’t saturated with it all day long to the point where we shut down our emotions and became apathetic.   I grew up in Barrie.   We had terrible snowstorms there every winter.   And every time, the community would pull together to help people dig cars out, and help seniors shovel their driveways and sidewalks. We still cared.  We didn’t need to be spoon-fed. 

What I am saying is that we need to be more aware of this manipulation.  We need to stop and think before we jump into action because the media made us feel that we should or we would not be a good person.   Why?  Because eventually we will burn out and stop listening to our own feelings and become apathetic and passive.  We will become the sheep that the powers that be would love us to become so that we will swallow whatever they try to shove down our throats.  And that is the most dangerous thing of all.