Hi, My name is Anna and I am a recovering rollercoaster
addict. Not the kind you see at
Wonderland though. For most of my adult
life I was addicted to roller coaster relationships. I had a weakness for women who were broken,
who tugged at my heartstrings. There
was nothing they could show me that I didn’t think I could handle. No red flag that would scare me away. You say
you see Jesus in the shower and you don’t know what he’s trying to tell you?
Don’t worry, we can figure that out together.
Oh, you need to drink a case of beer in an evening just to be able to talk
to me? No problem, I get nervous
too. You say I remind you of the drug
addicted crack whores you work with?
Hey, you must be a compassionate person to do that job. I was hellbent
on healing them and loving them more than anyone ever had. I would strap myself in, close my eyes and
hold on tight. Passion and lust would carry us to dizzying heights, hold us
precariously between fantasy and reality and then suddenly disappointment, and
dysfunction would send us plummeting downward, hating and loving, and clinging
desperately to each other. We’d hit
rock bottom and then it would start again, the climb, the drop, the twists and
turns until inevitably the ride would go off the rails and we would crawl away
from each other, bruised and broken. But there was always another rollercoaster
waiting. Friends and family would urge me to try the
merry go round. But they bored me. Safe, steady, predictable. Deep in denial, I insisted I could handle the
roller coasters.
And then three and half years ago I gave up on love. I was burned out and I was getting too old
for the drama. I had my friends, my
family, and my pets. It was enough. My therapy sessions became about ME and why I made the choices I did. I spent time alone, healing. And during that time I learned an important
lesson. Real
love starts here, with me. I needed to
look in the mirror and see ME, compassionate yet impatient, loving yet selfish,
funny and fucked up but still lovable and deserving of that love. And I learned to be happy on my own too.
And then the universe sent me B. Actually, the internet sent her to me on a
lonely evening when I was scrolling through a dating site. I wasn’t interested finding someone who liked
travelling, long walks on the beach or quiet nights by the fire with a glass of
red wine, I was just killing time. So, profile posted, I started surfing. One woman caught my attention and I kept
going to back to her profile. But I was
afraid to send her a wink…I wasn’t ready to open that door. I really was happy
alone. I had decided to close my account when I got a
message. It was from B! She thanked me for the wink! I didn’t wink at her…but it seems if you
visit a profile for more than 5 times, the site sends one for you. We exchanged a few cheerful, flirty messages and
I discovered that she is smart and funny and very kind. We arranged a “meetup”, not a date. Less
pressure. She confided to me she is
bipolar but was managing it well with medication. She also said she was quiet
and had a severe social phobia and would probably be trying not to barf when
we met. I saw the glimmering lights of another
rollercoaster, but I felt strong and able to resist. When we met, she was too nauseated to eat and I can’t eat
in front of anyone unless they are eating, so we got something to drink and sat
down. And I looked into most beautiful
blue eyes and the kindest face. In
spite of the deer in the headlights look, I could tell she wasn’t like anyone I
had ever dated. She had an energy about
her that made me feel very comfortable. I wanted to fold her in my arms and
tell her not to be so afraid. But I
resisted. I also have social anxiety and
ADD which causes me to babble on like a fool when I meet someone for the first
time, and that’s exactly what I did. I even pulled out my phone and looked up
ice breaker questions. She smiled a few
times. Beautiful smile! Before we realized it 5 hours had
passed. We parted with a hug and I felt
very happy that I had found a new friend, and was looking forward seeing her again.
Meeting B totally changed my life. In April it will be three years since we connected
and I couldn’t be happier. They say
opposites attract and I truly believe this.
B keeps me grounded and real and I get her moving and out in the world
. I have learned that I don’t have to be on a
rollercoaster in order to feel something.
I can feel a gentle caress, a soft touch and warm embrace. I can hear a
loving voice, a kind word and an honest answer, I can see a warm smile, a
twinkling eye, an appreciative look. I
can accept that I am loved for who I am, not who I should be, or who someone
has decided I am. And I have found love
when I thought all hope was lost. And
it’s real and it’s honest and it’s healthy. B has shown me that a merry go round is also
fun, and exhilarating even though it’s firmly on the ground. You can see the world around you, your eyes
are wide open.
Ours is not a romance,
it goes much deeper than that. We are best friends, life companions and I
love the way we are together. We laugh a
lot, we get silly and do crazy things we’ll never tell anyone about. We deal with our issues like adults, with
respect and compassion, not drama. My love for her grows more and more with
each passing day.
Thank you B, for loving me and inviting me on your merry go
round. Side by side we face the ups and
downs of life, eyes wide open as we go around this crazy life.
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