Right now I am dealing with a moderate bout of depression.  Not sadness.  Depression.   Where you can barely get out of bed, let alone shower and eat something besides cereal or pie.   Where nothing seems worth doing.  Where you can't see all the people that love you, even though they are still right there.  Where life seems frustrating, and pointless and nothing makes sense. And where you think you will never be happy again.   The joy is gone.  The creativity is stunted.  The plans for your life seem ridiculous and impossible.   Hope is a word no longer in your vocabulary.   Your life becomes a daily struggle to just get through.  Well-meaning friends and family tell you to cheer up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and point out all the ways it could be worse...which only causes you to feel worse as you worry that those things are bound to happen to you sooner or later.   Some people avoid you altogether because you are a downer, or because you might make them depressed.  Depression is lonely.

 My journey into darkness started with an overly busy schedule, combined with a flu, followed by a cold.   The death of a good friend and a family breakdown kicked me to the bottom. And each day has been one foot in front of the other to do what I have to do.  Nothing else.  No writing, no jewelery making, no photography, no art journaling, no housework, no laundry.

It might seem like I am wallowing in a vast ocean of self pity.  And maybe I am.  Maybe I have good reason to do so.  But I don't choose this.   And I read all sorts of pithy statements on Facebook saying You Can Choose To Be Happy and most of the time I agree with that, because we really do choose how we deal with the world.  But not when we have depression.  I can no more choose to step out of this than I can choose to not have diabetes.  And anyone who has been really and truly depressed can understand how hard it is to "choose".  

So what do I do?  I wait.  It will pass.  I muster all my strength and courage to try and not isolate myself.  I go to work. I get as much sleep as possible. I force myself to stay connected to friends who have been there.   And I forgive myself if I don't quite meet my own standards.   I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel...and I tell myself it is not a train.  It is the sunshine.   It is the light of life.   It will come....I hope.  It's starting to pass.  And that is why I am writing.  And today I might sit at my craft table.  Even sitting there is a start.

I wanted to write a retrospective on 2015.  I wanted it to be poignant and thoughtful and heart felt.  The problem is, I don't remember much of it!  When I look back in my mind through the past year, not much really stands out.  Maybe that's just as well.  Anyway, I am just going to do a stream of consciousness thing and see what happens.

I guess the biggest thing going on last year was the continuing unraveling of my relationship with T.  It's really hard to pinpoint the real cause.  It consisted mostly of failures of communication that lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, unrealized or unspoken expectations of each other, and the enormous impact T's surgery and subsequent healing had on an already faltering relationship.  We struggled a lot last winter and through the spring to find some way of being together that didn't result in bad feelings.  Intimacy, physical and emotional were rapidly dwindling.  Our sex life was non existent since our trip to Shawnee last October.  But neither of us really seemed to be bothered by that.  We struggled through, having some close times, but mostly just okay times and some really bad times.   Horrible fights, where I, I am ashamed to say, totally lost my temper with the sheer frustration of trying communicate with someone who was not on the same wavelength as me, and who refused to express her true feelings.   My anger shut her down more, and her shutting down made me angrier.  I felt she was game playing, unable to tell me what she wanted until it was too late for me to give it to her.  Talking in riddles leaving to me guess the hidden message and often failing.  She felt I was too impatient with her.  And she was struggling with a lot of issues and had no emotional resources left for me or anything I might have been going through.  By the time she had her surgery in July we were in serious trouble.  The relationship felt like an acquaintance to me, rather than a partnership and I talked to her about that and that started a roller coaster of hard feelings and half hearted attempts to rekindle a flame that burned out months ago.  Her recovery was difficult and long and as compassionate and caring as I felt, I burned out and was unable to be there for her as completely and unconditionally as she needed.  In September we mutually agreed to end the relationship and remain friends.   But the friendship quickly unraveled due to unresolved issues and T's inability to help herself in any area of her life.   As it stands now, we can't be together at all.  And that is very sad and disappointing for both of us because we were once so good together.  But it's time to end this chapter and close the book.  Maybe some day we can be friends.  I don't know.

My NanoWriMo writing groups has brought some meaningful friendships in to my life and encouraged me to keep working at my writing.   FWG has become a very good friend and we spend  time together, either writing, or hanging out and talking or watching a movie.  I like his forthright manner and his intelligence.  He is a gentle person with a big heart and I am glad he is in my life.

Health wise, there were some issues in 2015.  My blood pressure unexpectedly shot up and I am now on medication.  The diabetes got out of control and I am back on Metformin.  This was a wake up call for me and I realized that I had better take my health more seriously.  I started walking regularly and trying to watch what I eat.  In October I attended a lecture by Dr. Vera Tarman, about Food Junkies and treating a sugar habit like a real addiction similar to drugs or alcohol.  Her manner and way of speaking inspired me to make changes.  I also won a copy of her book.   I have been trying to be abstinent since then.  I am doing pretty well, although there have been bumps along the way.  I am trying to see them as bumps, rather than failures.  It is hard to live without the foods I crave and I am struggling to find ways to replace whatever need that sugar was meeting.

My Tuesdays with Sophia are the highlight of my week.  I started babysitting her in April and I thoroughly enjoy my time with her.  She is a sweet, funny, independent wonderful little girl and we spend our mornings playing and our afternoons napping.  I am so grateful to be a part of her life and I look forward to continuing that way till she starts school.

Volunteer work has remained a big part of my life and I have just started working in the clothing room at the Eva Rothwell centre sorting clothes. I love it!  I feel so satisfied when I take bags of clothing and sort them out and make sense of it all.   I am hoping to do more of that in the coming year.

Edna is still a big part of my life as well. I see her twice a week.  Last June she had some seizures and it really changed her.  She is no longer the chatty entertaining woman she was.  She's often sleeping when I am there.   It makes me sad to see her that way, knowing that her time is drawing to a close.  I am so attached to her, and sometimes I feel guilty for taking money to be with her, because I enjoy being with her and I don't really do anything but sit there.  But they appreciate me and that's what's most important.

Towards the end of this year I really started to realize what it is I really want in my life as far as social activity.  I love my own company, am happy at home puttering around.  I want friends in my life that don't drain me.   My friendships with Kathy and Geri are strengthening while Pierrette and I are not as close as we were.  She is far too negative and judgemental for me to spend any length of time with.  But she is a good friend and would do anything for me.   I spend a lot of time with Barb and I see June ocassionally.  Barb is one of my favourite people.  It makes me sad that a lot of my favourite people are quite elderly and won't be around much longer.   But I try not to think about that too much and enjoy them now.  Lesley and I are still close but hardly ever see each other  I would like to change that in the new year.

One of the highlights of my year was the discovery of Unicamp.  I had been there before and not really enjoyed myself.  But this year, I went camping with Kathy and Barb and Jennifer and I rediscovered it all over again and I love it.   It is so peaceful and natural there and I am hoping to spend more time this summer.  I spent a week there as well for a Writer's Retreat.  It was a good week but not sure I would do that one again.  There are other workshops there that are interesting as well and I will explore them.

Financially it was a difficult year.  Paula continues to pay my rent but she discontinued the $500 that supplements my disability pension.  So I am struggling to make ends meet and I have an uncomfortably large debt on my line of credit.  Once that is paid off it will be a lot easier for me.  My mom helps a lot and the money from Edna also.  The good news is that for the first time since 1998 I have an excellent credit score.  That makes me feel good.  I am hoping to get a job with Census Canada from March to July which will go a long way to paying down that debt.  I am doing a bit of cat sitting and hope to develop that more in the new year.

Family relationships have been good, Kate and I have become very close since the arrival of Sophia and I am so grateful for that.  We have had a long hard struggle to get where we are now. David and I will always be close but I don't hear from him nearly as much now that Kristie is in his life.   That is as it should be, but I miss him.  He used to call me every couple of days to see if I am okay.  They are getting married in April and I want to be happy for him.  I want to like her.  I really do. But it's hard and I feel bad because he seems happy with her and that should be all that is important.  However she is a difficult person and he will always have a pull between his family and her because she has managed to alienate herself from all of us.  I would love to have us all make an effort to accept her for Dave's sake, but I can't see that happening.  Although I do have to acknowledge that everyone gets along when we are all together.  This year I am going to make more of an effort to see the girls.  I miss them and feel I am missing out on their childhoods, but with everyone's schedule so busy, it's hard to find time.

So, that's that.  Too long to publish.  But for my own records here it is.  I am going in to 2016 with a positive attitude, happy with where I am in my life.   I am planning on staying single this year, and focusing on friendships and self care.  Creativity is a huge part of my life and I am going to be making more time for  that, spending more time journaling, writing, painting, photographing, beading instead of Facebooking and gaming.  

As a creative person, I have many outlets to express that part of me.  I write, I paint, I sing, I take photographs, and I make jewelry. I have even discovered the joy in making soup as a creative outlet, experimenting with flavours and spices.  I am drawn to anything creative, I want to try new things, new ways of being creative.  I love to come up with innovative solutions to problems.  I am very resourceful and find it fairly natural to think outside the box.  When I am in engaging in my creative activities I feel alive and connected and joyful.  To sit in front of a blank canvas and mix colours, to gaze at my boxes of beads, to get lost in creating a story...it's a natural high. I especially love being creative with kids.  When I visit my granddaughters I always bring some sort of craft with me, something that we can make.  And now that they are getting older I am noticing that they expect and look forward to that when I arrive.

And yet, I shy away from all of those things in favour of sitting in front of my laptop playing games. I eat crap that fogs my brain and my creative juices don't flow. I avoid those feelings of happiness and joy that making something brings me.  I get frustrated that my abilities often fall short of my expectations and lack the patience to keep at something till I get better at it.  The painting never look the way I imagine it should.  The stories never get written because I feel they have all been written before and what could I possibly have to say that anyone would want to read.  Yes, I take great photographs, people have told me so.  But lots of people do. And everyone is making jewelry these days.  Everyone is a writer.  And when I judge myself that way I end up doing nothing. It's far easier to make excuses.  It's far easier to sit in front of a game where I may have some success, and if I don't I can start all over again and no one is the wiser and no one is hurt or disappointed by my lack of ability.

The sad part is that while I am wasting my time with the games...or the with the eating of the crap, I am all the time thinking of what I could be doing.  What I could be creating.

So..yes empowerment does encourage creativity.  Because it does help you express yourself and is an outlet for that pain and those issues...but how do you disconnect from the addiction and choose the empowerment?

One of the things that struck me as I read this chapter, is how many times addiction appears in my life.  In the relationships I choose, in the way I eat, and the way I choose to spend my leisure time.  In al of these areas I make unhealthy choices, dependent relationships, unhealthy food, time wasting, mindless activities.  And it all boils down to that neglected inner child, the pain of not getting the love and attention I so wanted, that I used those other things to numb the pain or to try and get those needs met.  And now, I read that even taking on the role I have taken on at this church, as the helpful , active, involved person, could be construed as yet another way to numb my pain. I keep busy doing things for others, helping people, trying to be a good Unitarian.  And is it just one more addiction?

Being healthy is very, very scary for someone who has always used the chaos and victim persona to get attention. Charlie who has the health problems, a bad relationship, lots of stress etc.  To think of those things as being gone, and to have to face my life as a functioning person is overwhelming. Right now I am being the "good girl".  Right now I am pleasing others.  I hang out with my friends who are bad eaters and instead of encouraging them to eat right I follow along so I can fit in.  Laid back, relaxed and fun, not worried about things like diabetes, fibromyalgia, and digestive issues.  I am ruining myself because my inner child is hurting so bad.

So...now what?

I am spending New Year's Eve alone.  By choice.  And I am feeling pretty comfortable with it, even though people are now posting on Facebook the exciting things they are doing tonight.  But I know that it's just my FOMO, (fear of missing out), that is making me feel that way.   This is an important night for me.   It's a symbolic start to a year of being with myself and sitting with the loneliness of not having a "significant other".  I have pledged to be relationship free for one year, no matter what.  Not interested or open to any romantic attachments.  It's probably the most important thing I will do for my own mental health and spiritual growth.   So on this night of high expectations to spend it with friends and party hard, I am opting out.  I am here at my computer, playing sad love songs, eating almonds and watching the candle burn down the past year.  Sound pathetic?  It's not.  It's healing, and empowering.   Later I will watch some really crappy YouTube videos or a silly movie.   I will smoke a bit of pot.  I will feel all there is to feel.  I might colour.  I might have a hot bath. At midnight I will go outside and walk the dog and listen to the neighbourhood.  But I won't indulge in regret or self pity.  I am done with that.  The choices I have made in my life have brought me this far, and created this person I am, and I am okay with that.  

A friend of mine said each New Year she chooses a word to symbolize the coming year.  I really like that idea.  I don't make resolutions anymore.  They are just set ups for disappointment and shame.  But to have a word that expresses what I want to focus on just makes sense to me.  And I think, in keeping with my feelings expressed in the previous paragraph,  my word will be friendship.  Friendship.  That's a word that gets bandied about as much and as disrespectfully as love.  Friendship.  So easy to use that word.   Hey friends!  Tell your friends!  Why can't we be friends?  What does it mean though, really?  That's something I need to learn about.  I am good at being friends, but not as good as I could be.   I tend to take my friendships for granted and I will let them fall away if the other person doesn't help to keep it connected.  I want to change that.  I want to be a good friend, have meaningful connections.   And connections that aren't based on my need to vent, or be supported through a tough time with whoever I am in love with at the time.  My friendships need to be more meaningful, deeper, more sharing.   I need to work on being more loyal and forgiving.  And more open to receiving, to letting my friends care for me, and come in to my heart.  That's a hard thing for me.  It's a vulnerable, scary place to let someone in.  And right now, it's also a raw and broken place. My social anxiety mars my friendships with insecurity and self doubt.  So afraid I will turn them off, chase them away, not be the person they thought I was. I need to let go of that.  Believe I am lovable.

I am wishing everyone who reads this a truly blessed year ahead, may you have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Oh the Weather Outside is....Delightful

I want snow!  I know, I am a crazy person, and most definitely in the minority.  But I really do.  For many reasons, the least of which is the approaching Yule.  First of all, usually when there is snow, there is also sun.   Not warm sun, but illuminating, brilliant, need your sunglasses sun.  And the world looks cleaner and brighter under a blanket of snow.   I love the smell of it, the feel of it crunching underfoot and I even love the challenge of driving in it.  I don't have to shovel it, living in an apartment as I do, but I never really minded that either.  I love bundling up in sweaters and being cozy at home.  I love sitting in front of my window at night, or better yet going out for a walk when the snowflakes are falling thick in and lazy on a silent night.   There are drawbacks of course, as there is in just about everything in life, but for the most part snow is my friend. We need the cold temperatures and the snow.  The trees are confused and budding,  the birds don't know what to do, people are getting sick because germs are not being killed off by the cold and the fluctuating temperatures making it challenging to know how to dress.   And having it at this time of year makes the Yule season much more bearable.  So LET IT SNOW!!  

This year, more than other years I am not feeling the Christmas spirit.  And it's more than just the weather.  I usually go kicking and screaming in to the season, but eventually I come around and get in to it.   I refuse to even discuss Christmas before December 1.  I am not Christian and even if I was our society does not promote that aspect.  And I am not a consumerist.   Christmas baffles me.  I don't know why we continue to put ourselves through it.  And I say it that way because the whole attitude seems to be one of Christmas being a chore.   Almost everyone I know complains about it.  They drag themselves through their shopping.  They "have to get their baking  done".  They dread the coming visits with family.  So why do we do it?   We chase the carrot that the retailers dangle in front of us, telling us if we buy this gift, Christmas will be perfect.   And we buy more and more and more trying to recreate a magical thing that can't be bought.  If you ask anyone about their favourite Christmas traditions or Christmas memories very few of them will ever mention the gifts they got.   Most people will talk about the music, or the lights, or the time they spend with friends and family.  So why can't it just be that?  What would happen if everyone just decided to stop the insanity.  To take the parts of Christmas they cherish and stick with that?   Imagine it for a moment.  Doesn't it sound wonderful?  

I stopped the insanity a few years ago.  Now that I am a Unitarian my focus is on Solstice.  I don't have a tree.  I don't go crazy with gifts (having no money helps that) and I don't bake.  I look forward to spending time with my kids and grandkids and I like a good carol sing.   This year I didn't even decorate my apartment.   The decorations are still in the storage shed.  I spent a few days thinking I "should" go and get them and decorate.  But why?  I don't have visitors very often.  And for me, it's just trading one mess of clutter for another.  Too much work.  I enjoy other people;s lights on my nightly dog walk.  I can't eat any bakes stuff and I don't have a place to put a tree.  So...other than  wreath on my door I will just leave it at that.   And it's okay.

I invite anyone reading this to really think this holiday through and what it means to you.  Cut out the "shoulds" and hold on to the things you treasure and have a true, authentic celebration with those you love, be they friends or family.

My Lump of Coal

Well it has begun.   The yearly "Merry Christmas" debate.   Like most things these days that are based on utter stupidity and ignorance, this subject just makes my blood boil.   It's the arrogant, self righteous attitude of Christians that they alone own the holiday season.   According to educationalworld.com these are the events and celebrations that occur in the month of December:

 ·  Ramadan (Muslim)

·  Eid al-Fitr (Muslim)

·  Saint Nicholas Day (Christian)

·  Eid'ul-Adha (Muslim)

·  Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe (Mexican)

·  St. Lucia Day (Swedish)

·  Hanukkah (Jewish)

·  Christmas Day (Christian)

·  Three Kings Day/Epiphany (Christian)

·  Boxing Day (Australian, Canadian, English, Irish)

·  Kwanzaa (African American)

·  Omisoka (Japanese)

·  Yule (Pagan)

·  Saturnalia (Pagan)

This proves, in my opinion that Merry Christmas is NOT the be all and end all of season greetings.  Furthermore I have NEVER heard of anyone being told they cannot use Merry Christmas if they so choose.   We live in a multicultural society. Christianity is not the only religion in our country.  Say whatever suits your needs.  But also understand the need for an all encompassing greeting that INCLUDES everyone.  Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays, Peace On Earth might be a great one for these trying times.

People shout "To hell with being Politically Correct I am going to say Merry Christmas and you can just deal with it."   How wonderfully loving of you.   It's not about being politically correct!  It's about being inclusive.  It's about respecting the differences each of us has.   The word Politically Correct implies that not using a certain term would result in offense to someone.  Where is the offense in any of this?  What if someone said Merry Christmas you said Happy Hannukah back.  Would the world end?

Someone even said to me today  "..it's an AMERICAN tradition by our founding members..".  Seriously??  Where does this person think our founding members come from???   If we really want to honour our American tradition (and by American I mean all North Americans) we should be celebrating Winter Solstice and not Christmas at all.  In fact, the Indian blood coursing through my own veins abhors the thought of anything Christian while the European blood loves the lights and the music.

This whole debate just annoys the hell out of me because it goes against the meaning of the whole season.  Peace on earth and love for your fellow human beings.   Why such vitriol and hostility about a statement?

Businesses and government institutions should be required to honour all of their retail demographic and their taxpayers by using all inclusive...not politically correct....phrases to celebrate the diversity of  Candians.

My Unitarian beliefs encourage me to respect the inherent worth and dignity of all people.  And I try to do that. We honour all of the religions in our church.  So if someone comes up to me and says Merry Christmas, I don't feel offended because I don't celebrate Christmas.  They aren't wishing me ill.  It's a positive greeting, for a season of fellowship and love, no matter what you call it.

Back in the winter, I was intrigued by the appearance of bike racks at various spots throughout the city.   I figured it was to encourage people to ride their bikes more and provide a place to park the bikes other than parking meters.   It reminded me of hitching posts back in the day (not a day I was part of mind you).   Several weeks later I was quite excited to see trucks full of  wonderful bright blue bikes being installed in the bike racks.  In the snow.  The bikes have the words SoBi on them and I looked it up on the internet and discovered that my city now has a Social Bicycle program.   Bikes that you can use for an hour at a time.  Bikes that you don't have drag in to the elevator and haul through your apartment to leave on your balcony and never ride because it is too much of a hassle.   I wanted to ride these bikes in the worst way!

 As a child and teenager I loved bicycling.  I always felt so free on my bike, the wind blowing through my hair and the soft swish of the tires, on the road, the tick tick ticking of the gears.   Forgotten were the numerous spills and the agonizing moments of pulling my pants or socks out of the chain.   I wanted to recapture that glory and here were these blue beauties just waiting for me. There was a rack of them right outside my building!

 Now those who know me know that there is often a great deal of time that elapses between me saying I am going to do something and me actually doing it.   They also know there is a great deal of discussion, on my part, of how I am going to do it, where I am going to go, all the wonderful benefits of doing what ever it is I am planning on doing.   So it was with the SoBi.   First of all I had to wait for the snow to melt.  That took a while and it took longer for the weather  to actually warm up.  You can't ride a bike in the cold, I told myself, it's bad for the lungs...or something I think I read somewhere.   Then I had to buy a helmet.  It is ridiculous to even consider riding in the city with no helmet.   And that presented it's own set of problems, having to go to the store and pick one out,  knowing what brand to buy, and overcoming the total dork factor of wearing one  I finally bought a lovely turquoise and white one.  Just as the intense heat wave hit.  So I waited it out.  Dreaming of the day when I would pop my little dog in the basket and take off to parts unknown.   I had a plan.  We would practice under cover of darkness so I could get my bearings with out anyone watching.   I usually walk the dog late at night anyway because of her attitude towards other dogs.   And the traffic is lighter.  It was going to be wonderful!

Finally last week I decided I would have to get out on that bike or wait till spring.  So.  I got a little basket for Sadie, and we headed across the street to the racks.  I forgot the helmet but knew if I had to go back up and get it I would  lose my resolve.  The basket fit perfectly in the bike's carrier basket and I lifted her and she lay down, puzzled, but cooperative.  Putting in my account number and unhooking the bike was much easier than I thought it would be.  Off to a good start.

Now we come to the part where I wish a friend had been there to video tape me.  I could not get that damned bike going!   I could not get enough speed to get my balance and pedal.   I was terribly frustrated.  The whole fiasco lasted about 5 minutes with me in the middle of the intersection, bike between my legs, one foot on the road, one foot on the pedal and pushing to get started. And failing.  Every time I tried to get going the bike would over balance.   I tried from the curb.  I tried on a hill.  I was both cursing and laughing and I was sure there must have been some people sitting out on their balconies having a good laugh.  I tried not to think about that.

Finally I realized the problem.  It was the dog in the basket.  I have never been good at physics.   The dog in the basket was unbalancing the bike and preventing me from riding it.  She was perfectly still.  But the weight of her was working against me.  So, I gave up and walked the bike over to the rack, parked it and walked home, tail between my legs so to speak.

As for the dog?   She took it all in stride, but I am sure she is wondering about that strange walk we had the other night!   I will try again another time, when the rain stops.  Without the dog.  And maybe in another neighbourhood.