Ether and Eyes

Ether (haiku)

A sore tooth strikes fear

A mask and some gas...relief

How I love ether

Eyes  (limerick)

My girlfriend has beautiful eyes

As blue as the bluest of skies

When she looks at me

It's easy to see

The love that she never denies

Dancing shoes and Donuts

Dancing Shoes and Donuts

When I put on my dancing shoes my spirits fairly soar

I swoop around and around the room and barely touch the floor

All the girls are jealous of and wish that they could be me

But it's only because of these dancing shoes that I can be so free

Their red and shiny and light as air and oh how they do shine

My feet are fleet and fancy-free and oh, my legs look fine

But alas even my special shoes will not for long support me

If those damned donuts I so love continually thwart me.

Caterpillar and Cloudscapes

Caterpillar

The caterpillar is a busy thing

munching leaves all through the spring

gathering strength for the big change

Having wings will feel so strange

Does he know what lies ahead?

That the cocoon that is his bed

Will change him in a special way

To the butterfly he'll be one day.

Cloudscapes

I look out the window of the plane and see

cloudscapes

A fluffy white wonderland surrounding us

I want to climb out the window and wander through

exploring behind the pillars of white and gray

walking on the carpet so soft and white

Actually I would rather be anywhere than on this

damned

plane

Beads (haiku)

Multicoloured beads

of every shape and size

A necklace is born

The Basket

An old lady stood with a basket of flowers

I had no doubt she had been there for hours

Her clothes were worn and her shoes had holes

Her face was wrinkled, scattered with moles

As I hurried past, I was busy you know,

I heard a voice come soft and low

Why such hurry, come smell my roses

No others like it make happy noses

I couldn't stop too much to do

Bills to pay and shopping too

I didn't stop, I didn't smell

happy noses?  what the hell?

But all day long I thought of the flowers

That I didn't smell and it seemed like hours

before I could pass her way again

I'd stop and I would smell them then

But she was gone and what was left

was a ragged basket now bereft

wilted leaves and faded scent

the chance for joy had come and went.

America

America

Oh  America you are such a bully

Throwing your weight around

Your people staring dully

As your crimes abound

Who's going to make America great

When the one who leads you

Has only made you hate

Which seems to please you

Oh America you think you're above us

Bigger, better, faster, smarter

It's plain to see though, you don't love us

If you did you would try harder

To help the ones who need it most

The sick, the poor, the hungry too

The need is great from coast to coast

But you only think of you

Well Bullies are really sad and weak

And pick on others less than them

But the tables are turning as we speak

And you won't get a chance again

To be the powerful "Great I Am"

Another country will take your place

And dismiss your Uncle Sam

And wipe that smug smile off your face.

Arrowroot Cookies

How we loved our Arrowroots

When we walked 'round in baby boots

Their firmness soothed our tender gums

And gave some peace to our poor mums

But the thing we loved the best

Was the sticky gooey globby mess

The cookies made all over us

Causing mums to make a fuss

But we grew up and on to Oreos

I'm sure you know how that story goes

Way too cool for baby food

We'd never let on they still tasted good

And now I sit here in my chair

Wrinkled hands and graying hair

I'll have that arrowroot with relief

For these small biscuits

require no teeth.

#metoo part one

Why did he have to ruin it all?   Why did he have to turn out to be exactly like all the other old men that have come into my life over the years? I have always been attractive to older men, even as a child and it caused many awful situations in my life.   But I thought he was different.  I thought we had a good thing going.  I thought we worked together well and enjoyed each other's company.   I work for him.   I come to him because it's my job to help him live independently and we really hit it off and I was happy to be his worker.  Maybe there were some red flags that I should have paid attention to instead of brushing them off as TMI moments that are so common to the elderly.   He either lacks the filters or likes to shock.   I brushed those incidents off.   Maybe I was wrong, stupid, or in denial.  He came out of the bathroom once and told me how he wasn't properly circumcised and sometimes had to unravel things in order to pee.   While it took me aback a bit and I  had a moment of "is this okay?"  I laughed it off.  He said he was happy to be seen out in public in his old neighbourhood with an attractive woman on his arm.   Again I kind of laughed it off.   What could I say?  There was nothing really wrong with that.   But maybe these incidents were signs. I took his request for help fitting his hernia belt as a joke...  Maybe my lack of reaction was implicit permission.   But I chose not to make an issue.  I didn't want to be one of "those" women.  You know, the kind that takes exception to everything that could be interpreted as an "inappropriate advance" even if it is accidental or consent was implied.  I didn't want to be like that.  My attitude to this job is to be caring, compassionate and yet maintain that professional distance.   And I thought I had done that!  I can't think of anything I could have said or done that would make him think I was open to his advance.   Was I too friendly?   Was saying I enjoy his company and we work well together seen as encouragement from me?   I am so saddened and yet angry that this has happened.   And when I told my close friends about it, they didn't seem overly concerned.   One said I might be overreacting a bit, a couple said they would have reacted the same way, and my therapist said, in view of my personal history that it's perfectly understandable that I would react this way.

Was it on purpose that he stood in the doorway of his bedroom so that I would have to go around him to leave?   Should I not have been in his room in the first place folding and putting away laundry?   But there is no place else to do it.  Even if I had folded it in the laundry room I still would have had to go in there and put it away.  Or carry the basket in there and leave it on his bed for him to put away.  But I never thought anything of going in there and doing what I did.  I do it every time I am there.   I will never forget that moment.  I knew something was up, but I wasn't sure what it was.  He never comes into the room to help fold.  And then the look on his face as he walked towards me.   Bashful, like a boy asking a girl to the prom.  He put his arms out...and placed them on my side at my ribcage as he said "I just realized that I didn't give you a New Year's kiss"  I was stunned.  I shut down.  I always shut down when I am in those types of situations.   Years ago I used to dissociate into someone else...someone who would go along with whatever happened.   Now I just freeze.   And I hugged him...I didn't think about it, I just did.  And then I left.   And I felt my spirits crash slowly to the ground.   And I was so profoundly disappointed.   He is such a nice man, so gentle, so kind and now he had gone and ruined everything.  Why?   I don't know what to do now.   I feel as though I can't go back.   And yet my therapist says to go one more time and if it happens again, and then talk to him.   But the thought of going makes me feel sick and anxious.  I want to quit my job and just hide at home.  It's too bad.   It's too sad.   You have shattered my ability to trust my own instincts.  I just know that I don't want to do this job anymore and I don't want to ever go alone into someone's home.

Epilogue:

I talked to my boss about this incident.  I felt bad doing it, but I had to.   I took a few weeks off work to decide what to do.  He talked to my boss and was extremely upset and apologetic and took full responsibility for what happened.  To him, it's just that he made a pass and offended me.   Now he wants to talk to me and apologize.   I am not ready for that.   I feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing, but the anxiety and the sadness are not going away.  Because of past traumas, this is larger than it would be for another person without my history. 

Anyway I have decided to just do driving seniors to appointments and grocery shopping from now on.  No more going in to apartments or rooms alone. 

#BellLetsTalk

I posted this on Facebook on BellLetsTalk day but decided it might be a good idea to put it on here too.

Anyone who has ever been late for an appointment, lost their keys, had a job interview or started school, or experienced any number of life's little disasters, knows what anxiety feels like. But imagine if you felt that way all of the time, day in and day out. Even when things are going great. Even when you have everything you ever wanted in your life. That's what General Anxiety Disorder feels like. That's what it feels like in my head without medication and counseling. It's a heart-pounding, thought racing, gut-wrenching way of existence that I have dealt with all of my life. It's worry to the nth degree.

It makes going anywhere outside my house difficult because my brain will happily show me scenarios of every single disaster that could happen to me...a tire flying off a truck, a bridge collapse, a car accident, a sinkhole, a plane crash, a terrorist attack, a car plowing into the window of the restaurant I am eating in, freak accidents too numerous to mention....it goes on and on.

It makes being social difficult because afterward, I analyze every single thing that was said to me or by me, looking for something I did wrong...did I talk too much, was I too bossy, obnoxious, depressing, annoying, was I showing off...and on and on.

It makes every single ache, pain, heart palpitation, headache, skin blemish, stomach cramp into something catastrophic...rare, aggressive forms of cancer are a huge fear of mine as is suddenly dropping dead from a misdiagnosed illness.

It makes me rehash mistakes from my past over and over and over again wishing I had done things differently, blaming myself for everything that went wrong. It's relentless. And because it is a General Anxiety Disorder it doesn't have a specific focus...it's like my anxiety is a mosquito flying around looking for a place to land and feed...sometimes it's my health, sometimes, it's my finances, sometimes it's my relationships. But it's always something...because if I am not feeling anxious...I am anxious about that. Anxiety also often comes with its best friend Depression and the three of us can have quite a party.

Luckily, however, with the help of medication and counseling a very supportive circle of friends and a good sense of humour, I am able to function in my life. I have learned techniques to keep the anxieties at bay most days....thought stopping, distraction, meditation to name a few. I know I am not alone in this, almost everyone I know has some form of anxiety. I don't present as an anxious person as frequently as I have in the past, although I have my days. . I am in a good place right now. But I wanted to post this on this day to raise awareness. Thanks for reading.