Life and Laughter

Life and Laughter

Several years ago, in another lifetime, my mother in law got sick with cancer. She died three years later on January 3 2000, having hung in there to see the new millennium in.  It was the first time I had experienced death up close.  She was like the mother I never had and I mourned her deeply.   My husband and I drove down to Pennsylvania and we spent a week there with his extended family.  Instead of sitting around crying and wailing about our loss and the unfairness of life, we talked about Pat and all the funny things she did while blissed out on morphine.  Sound horrible?  It wasn’t.  Our dark humour and fond remembrances were healing in ways that the tears and snot would not have been.  We went to karaoke night at the local bar and seven of us got up on stage and shouted a drunken rendition of We Are Family by the Pointer Sisters.  It was exactly the way I want to be celebrated when my time comes.   With funny stories, remembrances of good times and joyful singing. 

Throughout all of the things I have been through in my life the one thing that has stayed constant and never let me down is my sense of humour.  I consider it my greatest asset and I love to make people laugh.  I use it as an ice breaker and as a defence mechanism.  I keep my distance with my humour but I also put people at ease with it.  It can be sardonic and it can be really dark.  People who are in my life all have the same sense of humour.  I don’t understand people who can’t see the humour in this crazy life.  I don’t judge, I just don’t understand it and I can’t relate to them. 

Laughter is what helps me roll with the punches of life.  It keeps me from taking things…especially my life…too seriously.   Sometimes though I do have trouble being serious when I should be.  In a serious situation, I am often overcome with the irresistible urge to crack a joke because it diffuses the tension I am feeling.  It’s not often met with appreciation.  I am working on that.

I have been connecting with people on video chat and I love to be the “clown” and get people laughing.  It lightens the load we are carrying in all of this.  I don’t plan to be that way it just comes out of me.  Like I said, it’s my ice breaker…I am basically a very shy person but I use my humour to hide that.  I love a good laugh, I am an avid standup comedy fan and I love to share jokes with others.

But today the humour has left me.   My friend Barb was tested positive for COVID-19 and is not well.   I mentioned her in my last post.  She is 88 and in a nursing home.  She told me that last night she laid awake for hours trying to figure out ways to kill herself without leaving her room.  While my heart broke into a million pieces for her, we did have a good laugh about it.  My daughter is afraid of losing her business.  Her husband is a wedding photographer and all of their weddings have been cancelled this summer.   She is stressed and I can only listen and comfort.  

And I think all of this isolation is finally cracking me who loves to be home more than anything else.   Belinda noted today that I haven’t been myself for a few days.  And I feel bad about that, but I can’t seem to find the funny.  Looking at the 7 boxes of cookies on the counter and tray of Jello shots in the fridge still does bring a smile to my face though.

I need to find a way to see the humour in all of this.  It’s essential to my life.  It is what living is about for me, laughing with friends, with Belinda, or just at myself.   I think more people should try to find the humour as well.  Like the people posting funny memes or wearing a costume to take the garbage out, or creating hilarious videos parodying a pop song. 

Every single day of our lives we make a decision to either be miserable or be happy.   Someone made a comment at a meeting I was at that misery is optional, referring to our ability to get up and go to the bathroom or get a drink at any time during the meeting.   Yes, this whole situation is a nightmare.  But other than the measures we are already taking, there is nothing we can do to change it right now.  But we can do something about the way we react and the way we handle it all.  We can choose to see the humour, no matter how dark it is, and make the best of it.  It doesn’t mean we don’t see the seriousness of it all, it means we are stronger than it and are not going to let this pandemic wear us down.  

So wake up in the morning and do something crazy, you aren’t going anywhere, no one is going to see you, so put on wild eye makeup in three different colours, or guys shave only half of your face.  Eat doughnuts and chocolate milk for breakfast, make up a parody song about the virus.  Check out the funny memes on Facebook and forward them to your friends and family.   Paint absurd pictures, write crazy poems.  Anything that gets your funny going.  Laugh.  Laugh long and loud.  Laugh till you cry.  You will feel a lot better for it.

Have you heard any good jokes lately?

Kindness

Kindess

I am sitting here in despair tonight, my heart breaking for our front line workers and for our people in long term care facilities who are bearing the brunt of this horrible pandemic.   And it seems that worse than the pandemic is the way it’s being handled.  Health care workers are dealing with this without proper equipment and proper support when their staff members become ill.  So many long term care facilities are facing huge loss of life due to COVID-19.   Almost half of all the cases in Canada are in nursing homes.   And in some, the conditions are like something out of a horror movie.  Staff walking off the job in at least two places, leaving their vulnerable and helpless patients to fend for themselves.  People, some of whom can’t even feed or dress themselves, are left in deplorable conditions.

Imagine if it was you.  Imagine you are sick and you can no longer care for yourself so your family entrusts your care to a facility they have no doubt researched and almost certainly pay a great deal of money for your care.   You are taken care of and you feel safe there and even though you would rather be in your home, you know this is the best place for you.  So you learn to deal with it, and as your condition deteriorates you learn to be grateful for the care you receive.   And then something happens.  People start getting sick and dying.  This is not unusual in places like this after all everyone is elderly and ill.  But this is different.  There are more than the usual amount of deaths.  The home doesn’t tell you anything for fear of mass panic, but you see what is going on.  You notice the ambulance is there several times a day.  You notice the usually cheerful staff is suddenly harried and preoccupied.  They are gowned and gloved and masked and it’s frightening you.   Some of your favourite care workers are no longer coming to see you and the ones who do come don’t have time to linger and don’t seem to really understand your needs.   You can’t shower, dress, or feed yourself and now you are being expected to do these things for yourself or wait for hours, sometimes a day for someone to help you.   And then one day, no one comes at all.   The halls are silent except for the cries of your fellow residents who are also in desperate need.  But your cries go unanswered because the staff have walked off the job.  Imagine.  You are helpless and no one comes.  How can people just walk away like that?  What kind of person can leave a helpless person to suffer?   A person who is desperate and in fear for their lives, or a person who is desperately ill themselves.

My 89-year-old friend Barb is in one of the retirement homes in the news tonight, luckily not for neglect but sadly for 3 deaths due to this virus.   She was very sick last week with symptoms and was tested but has not heard the results as of today.  Although she is feeling better this week, she is anxious and confused about what is going on because they aren’t telling the residents anything.   I am sick at heart at not being able to go to her and offer comfort or even just fix her electronic devices that are always on the fritz. The helplessness of this whole thing is just …devastating

.

Kindness.   Something everybody needs.  Some more than others.  And while there are stories of kindnesses happening all around us, it seems these days that we could use so much more.    There is a hymn that we sing at our Unitarian church called The Least of These and it’s one of my favourites.   “Cause whatever you do, to the least of these, you do to me.”   Jesus said that.  And even though I am not a Christian I really take this to heart.   It’s about kindness and compassion.  It’s about life, how you should treat others and how you should expect to be treated.   It’s about the golden rule of do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

  

It’s not hard to be kind to people who are easy, people who are doing well and able to take care of themselves.   It’s easy to be kind to sweet children, and cute animals.  But it’s not so easy to be kind to the least of us.  The poor, the hungry, the neglected, the sick and the elderly.   You can tell how well a society is functioning by the way they treat their less fortunate.   I like to think that as Canadians we excel at kindness.  It’s how we see ourselves.  But these cases of neglect and abandonment have happened right here in our country.   And in our country, we put the needs of our less fortunate at the bottom of the list when it comes to how we spend our money.  It’s sad, and it’s shameful. 

Being kind doesn’t have to cost a lot of money.  Small things can make someone’s day.   A kind word, a bag of groceries, and gentle touch, a plant left on a doorstep, a sign in your window, homemade cards sent to the front line workers, masks donated to health care workers, a letter written to the government demanding change.  All of these things make the world a better place to live and makes us better people.

Each of us needs to do better.  Somehow we need to step up and do what we can to help these people.  I plan on writing letters demanding change.  I don’t want to see things go back to the way they were before so that this type of thing can happen again.  I want to see improvements in the way we treat our elderly.  There’s a good chance that someday most of us will be elderly and needing that care and we will want it to be there.

So what will you do?

June

June

I am taking a departure from COVID-19 posts today to talk about my friend June.

I met June several years ago at a birthday party for a mutual friend.   She was sitting by herself and I was struck by her dignity and grace.   My partner and I sat and talked to her for quite a while.  At that time June was about 91 and the macular degeneration she was she dealing with was not as bad as it would eventually get, but she still had a difficult time seeing.  We enjoyed our conversation that day and then I didn’t see her again until my friend had a small birthday celebration for her when she was 93.  I was impressed at how sharp and engaging she was and even more impressed by the fact that she still lived on her own even though she was legally blind.  She was interested in everyone and loved to hear about our lives. 

I lost touch with June again until I started to attend the Unitarian church and discovered it was her church as well.  She invited me out to lunch and we became fast friends.   We meet on a regular basis and go for lunch and do whatever errands June needs done.   Usually, we go to the library.   We enjoy each other’s company and there are a lot of laughs.  Our almost 50 year age difference is never an issue.  June is ageless to me.  She is so bright and so engaging that it’s easy to forget she is in her late 90’s.  She always insists on buying me lunch and then paying me for taking her on her errands.  No matter how much I protest.  And if I don’t take the money, she leaves it on the seat of my car while I am getting her walker out of the trunk.  She knows I can use the money and her generosity is much appreciated.

When June turned 95 her two children threw her a huge birthday party with all of her friends and extended family in attendance.  Children, grandchildren and great children, nieces, nephews, great-nieces, great-nephews, friends old and new, we all gathered to celebrate this incredible woman.  I was so touched to see all the love and affection her family showed her and the lengths they had gone to make her day special.

June has had her challenges in life.  She was a social worker for the Children’s Aid Society and dealt with adoptions.  She’d seen a lot of things during her career but she never talked about it. Her husband passed away suddenly one New year’s Eve leaving her to raise their two children on her own.   Then when she was 70 she woke up one morning and couldn’t see.  There was no warning, no gradual diminishing of her vision, so stripes, or dark spots.  Just the loss of vision.   Her ophthalmologist said they had never seen a case like hers.   But it never stopped her.  June continued to live on her own and she worked for a few more years after that till her vision became too much of an issue. 

She has always accepted her loss of vision with great humour and we’ve had some funny situations because of it.  One day I went to her apartment for tea and she told me she had been trying and trying to light this candle but just couldn’t get it to light and she was so frustrated.   I had a look at it.  It was a battery-operated candle …that was melted on top from her repeated attempts to light it!  Another time she came out to my car and when I got out to put her walker in the trunk there was a pair black of underwear on the seat..!  She couldn’t see them because they were the same colour as the walker seat.  She laughed and said she must have been on her way to the laundry and got sidetracked.   It was always funny to her and she accepted help graciously.  More than once I have had to correct her eyebrows for her.  She draws them on as many elderly women do and sometimes she looks very surprised and sometimes quite lopsided.  But most of the time she looks well put together, she is always dressed nicely with her hair done and her makeup on.  You would not know to look at her that she has no vision.  June says that’s a disadvantage to her because she can’t see people to talk to them and they don’t realize she can’t see them. 

I am writing about June in the past tense but she is still very much alive at age 99, although things have changed dramatically for her since February.   She woke up one morning unable to walk.  She was rushed to the hospital and has never been back home.   They have been unable to find out what is causing her excruciating pain but she is now able to walk.  It took several weeks for them to get her pain under control. She has lost more sight and is now totally blind. Whenever I visited her in the hospital her spirits were always good.  June has the wonderful ability to roll with the punches and just accept what comes her way.   She says she has been blessed with good health and has had a good life.  I asked her what they think is wrong with her back and she said what’s wrong is that she is 99.

After being discharged from the hospital she went to live in Aberdeen Gardens which is a senior’s residence in west Hamilton.  I have not been to see her since this pandemic but I do call her every couple of days.   I miss her more than I can say.  I miss our outings.  We still have good conversations but there’s not much to say because neither of us is doing much these days. 

I admire this woman so much.  She is always upbeat, never complains and she treats me like a daughter.   That is not always a good thing because she scolds me about my weight, but I know it’s out of love and not judgement so I take it from her.  I am looking forward to June 3 when she turns 100.  I am hoping the pandemic is over and I can actually see her and celebrate with her.

I have always loved senior’s even as a child.  I find them interesting and funny and just great to be around.  I know so many people who don’t want to hang out with “a bunch of old people” but I really think they are missing out on something special.  I know I don’t have much longer with June, but I will always have a special place for her in my heart.

Innovation and Inequality

Innovation and Inequality

Two things have really stood out for me during this pandemic and after spending most of the day trying to decide which one to write about I decided to write about both.  Both of the topics fit with today’s letter I.   Innovation and Inequality.   The innovation I have seen from people who are struggling to cope and the inequality of the suffering amongst people who are all battling the same virus.

When I was young I hated to play with broken toys or play games with missing pieces.  The lack of perfection just ruined the play value.  Even if I improvised the missing piece it was just never the same.  But at some point in my life, I learned that I really liked to think outside the box.  It started during my training as an Early Childhood Educator where creativity is a very good skill to have, and really came out when I was a single parent with three young children and very little money.   I had to make do and improvise a lot and I got good at it.  I pride myself on my resourcefulness and ability to problem solve.  It’s like putting a puzzle together.   I look at a situation to see why it’s not working.  What is this situation or piece of equipment missing, what does the same thing and can be used instead?  Today was a perfect example. 

I have been battling terrible headaches caused by weather changes and something wrong in my neck.  This morning I saw an ad for a neck hammock that can provide traction to ease the pain.  It is exactly what I need to help with my pain.  But it is expensive and only available online, and with shipping, taxes and the exchange on the US dollar, it put it right out of my budget.   And then I looked at it closely and realized I could make one.   It was basically a bungee cord and something to hold the head.   I came up with the idea of attaching bungee cords to a fanny pack.  With Belinda’s help, in a short while, I had my neck hammock.  I felt very satisfied.  I had been innovative and had solved a problem

This is why I am so impressed with the innovation I have seen in people as they cope with this pandemic lockdown.  People have found innovative ways to stay connected with each other.  Drive-by birthday parties were a thing until we were banned from driving for any other reason than groceries, dr. appointments, or trips to the pharmacy.  But for a while, just about every night on the news there was a story about family members driving by their loved one's homes, horns blaring, cars festooned with balloons and streamers and music blasting as their family member sat on the driveway and watched them go by.  It was very poignant to watch.  One family even hired an Elvis impersonator to stand at the end of the driveway and sing to their mother and then he handed her a gift on the end of a hockey stick.  Amazing!  

There are also a lot of videos on the internet of individuals, or families or choirs, singing songs they have written themselves..mostly parodies of pop songs with pandemic lyrics.   My favourites are the choirs where they have all sung their parts individually and then someone has put it together using software so it sounds like they are all singing together.   These ones amaze me.  Other innovations I have seen…people wearing costumes as they take their garbage out, writing messages to our front line workers or to friends and neighbours on signs or in chalk on the sidewalks and driveways.  Social media is full of suggestions for people to beat boredom, for parents to keep the kids busy and to help with their school work during this time.  

One of the most touching innovations, however, is the masks people have been making.  For various reasons…hoarding, lack of foresight, politics…our front line workers are facing desperate shortages of Personal Protective Equipment, PPE’s, especially masks. Instead of waiting for the government to get its act together, people have started making and donating masks to these heroes.   There are all kinds of patterns and tutorials on how to do this.  And now that we are being told that everyone should wear masks when they leave the house, there is a multitude of suggestions on how to make our own personal masks.   I have seen everything from plastic page protectors to bra cups, to maxi pads, to bandanas and even turtle necks used as personal face masks.  It’s absolutely amazing.   Anytime I see people doing something instead of waiting for the government I am filled with pride and admiration.   Good for you! 

And then there’s the saddest part of this whole thing.  The inequality of this virus.  They say it plays no favourites and can attack anyone no matter their age, race or economic situation.  But it does have favourites.  It loves the elderly, the poor, minorities and those that are already sick with other conditions.   Black people represent a disproportionate number of the death count.  The homeless are particularly vulnerable as well as they have no home to go to during this Just Stay Home regime.  Nursing homes are a petri dish for this virus and it can run rampant through the home in a matter of days.  

Why is it this way?  Why do the least of us suffer the most?  There are many reasons and none of them is fair, but they are reasons for just about all suffering, not just this virus.  Poor people are more likely to have underlying conditions, lack resources for medical care, lack access to medical care because of where they live, aren’t educated in hygiene and disease prevention.   Add being elderly and black on top of that and it’s a disaster.  There’s a greater proportion of poverty in the black communities, particularly in the states.   Often the poor are living in crowded conditions that lack the basic necessities like hot water, and enough good nutritious foods. Social distancing is impossible.  It breaks my heart to think of it and I wish there was something I could do to help.   I am in that same boat, being an elderly (yes, that’s what category I fit in with this disease) with pre-existing conditions that compromise my immune system.  And I am in a very low-income bracket and if it wasn’t for the kindness of Belinda I would be struggling desperately.  So I truly feel for those less fortunate.  

So in the coming weeks and months, find creative ways to cope with your situation, think outside the box, be creative…you have the time.   And every night before you go to bed say a prayer of gratitude if not for all that you have then at least for all that you have escaped. 

Hope? Or Hell in a Handbasket?

Is it okay to hope?  With all of the loss and the hardships we are dealing with and the virus numbers climbing at alarming rates?  Yes, we know that this will not last forever and there will come a day when we can leave our homes again and get back to our lives.  It helps that the sun is shining and the earth is being reborn and shedding its winter coat.  We can believe in better days ahead.  Can’t we?  According to the news media, we still have months of lockdown ahead of us.

This Easter weekend will be particularly difficult with the sharpest rise in infections and deaths predicted by the experts.  People will be anxious to gather with friends, get outside and enjoy the freshness of spring.  It’s a time for hiding eggs and going to church, if that’s your thing, and sharing a feast with family and friends.  But we can’t do that. We are in lockdown.   We will have to be content, or not, with a quiet Easter dinner alone, or with our inmates, or by connecting through video chat and phone.  We’ll have our walks around our own neighbourhood or backyard.  A friend told me today that the grocery store has a huge amount of large turkeys in stock.  No one is buying them because there is no one to eat them.  How sad is that??   But we will get through this.

Along with the daily doom and gloom, the media has been talking a lot about how we will never be the same after this. We will be better than before.  They are selling Hope. We will all have learned a valuable lesson from this whole thing and our world will be changed.  People will be kinder for having come through this together, they will have a greater appreciation for what they have after losing it for a while.  They will be more respectful of the homeless and the poor after coming so close to that themselves.   We’ll take better care of earth now that we have seen how much we impact it with our filthy ways.   Life will be so much better.  Think of how people feel after a war is over.  Like coming through the darkness to light with hope for a better tomorrow.  They go shopping, make babies, start working again, promise to be better people after all the horrible things the war has done to the world’s psyche.   We are expected to be like that with this pandemic.  Full of hope even though we aren’t even close to the end. 

While I would like to buy what the media is selling, the cynic in me is calling bullshit. I suspect we are all on our way to Hell in a handbasket.  I would love to believe we will have changed for the better.   But I don’t know.   This whole COVID-19 pandemic has made us afraid of each other.   Because we won’t know when this virus will be truly gone, we are being asked to take precautions even after the lockdown is over in order to prevent a resurgence.  There was talk today on the news about how the handshake is going to become a thing of the past because it’s the fastest way to spread a germ.   Bob sneezes into his hand, shakes hands with Bill, Bill picks his nose and BAM before you know it the world is in trouble again.  It won’t end.  So we have to be careful because we don’t want this to happen again.   People will be cautious, they won’t touch, they won’t stand close, they won’t gather.  Maybe I am being a little too overdramatic.  Let me say what I really think will happen going forward.

At first, we will behave differently.  We’ll realize that we enjoyed spending time with our families and maybe continue some of the activities we did while cooped up together.  We’ll realize that time is more important than things.  And for a while, we’ll do things differently.   We’ll be more conscious of recycling and maybe try not to use our cars as much because we like how the earth is healing.   We’ll be more conscious of hygiene and wash our hands more often and try to do the things that we are being told to do to prevent another pandemic.  For a while.  But the kinds of changes we are making now are very hard to do on a permanent basis right?  You have to go back to work, and school, and sports events and swimming lessons and all of those things because it’s what we do.  And eventually, we’ll get very busy again and our new hopeful future will fall by the wayside as we get numb and careless again.  Until the next catastrophe.  I truly believe this because it is what we have always done.   There was never supposed to be another war after World War 1, because it was so horrific.  But there was and still is and always will be war.

  

The sheer numbers of people who are refusing to follow the protocol of this pandemic are proof to me that things won’t change.   Not for most people.  Most of us will fall back to the status quo.  And I hate feeling this way.   But I am the type of person who tends to expect the worst so I won’t be disappointed. 

So, prove me wrong.  Be kinder, be more aware, be more diligent, be more human.  Give me a reason to be hopeful.   Because this handbasket we are in is pretty uncomfortable.

Guilty By Nature

Guilty by Nature

Feeling guilty is as natural to me as breathing.  I probably felt guilty the minute I arrived in this world for causing my mother pain.  Guilt has been my constant companion throughout my life although the reasons have changed over the years.  These days it’s guilt for just existing on this earth as a human being.  Throw in a dash of shame and you have a pretty good idea of the dark part of my soul.  And if I occasionally don’t feel guilty about something, I feel guilty about that.  I could write a whole blog post about my guilt and it’s origins but this is not the time for that.

So it stands to reason that I am feeling guilty these days about this whole COVID-19 self-isolation thing.   I feel guilty because I feel I should be helping more, checking in on my senior friends daily, delivering groceries, volunteering at the food bank, making masks, or creating a funny music video to share on social media.  Things I hear about other people doing. 

I feel guilty because the quarantine is not causing me any suffering.  As I have said in other posts, I like being home.  I am comfortable and safe and have everything I need.  I feel guilty because I don’t feel I deserve it.  I should be suffering like so many others.  I shouldn’t be waking up in the morning glad to have nowhere to go.   I feel guilty for my privilege that I did nothing to earn.   The guilt runs deep.

I take comfort that I am not alone in this.  Guilt is a human condition felt by almost everyone for some reason most of the time.  And I am not the only one to be feeling guilty about the COVID-19 situation. 

 

I saw a post on Facebook that really helped me with this guilt and I want to share it with you:

YES, we can feel grateful AND disappointed about things being cancelled.

YES, we can enjoy extra time with loved ones AND feel overwhelmed by their presence.

YES, we can be hopeful AND feel like everything is falling apart.

YES, we can be a source of support for others AND prioritize our need to fill our own cup.

So, it’s okay to feel both those things.  Guilt-free.  We don’t have to feel guilty for having human feelings.  They are just feelings, not statements about our character.   We don’t have to feel guilty for not thinking of others first, for wanting things to be the way they were, for feeling hopeless.  It’s all normal.  So I will try to let go of the guilt and replace it with gratitude.   I will be grateful for my privilege. Yes, I am selfishly happy to stay home, but I am also helping flatten the curve which is the most important thing I can do.   It’s the most important thing any of us can do.

I don’t know if this post has made sense, but I am not going to feel guilty about that.

Fallout

Fallout

fall·out

noun

the adverse side effects or results of a situation.

"almost as dramatic as the financial scale of the mess is the growing political fallout"

For the purposes of this post, I will expand the definition to include positive examples of fallout.

Unless you have been living under a rock, you are aware of the fallout of this pandemic already.   The global fallout of people losing their jobs, their businesses, maybe their homes if they can’t come up with the rent.  The people who are in abusive homes being prisoners in those homes, with nowhere to go. People are realizing how close they are to homelessness after missing a few paycheques.  The children who are going hungry because they aren’t going to school where they are being fed. People are behaving in ways they never would under normal circumstances, hoarding, ignoring directives to social distance, littering with their gloves and masks.  The list is long and unsettling. 

On the positive side, people are coming together to help one another.  The planet is healing from the lack of pollution.  We are united in a battle against a common enemy. We are learning a new appreciation for the front line workers who are keeping things going. People are discovering things about themselves they never had time to realize and families are reconnecting in different ways without the stress of their busy overscheduled lives.

But what about the personal fallout of these days of forced confinement?   I have compiled a list of changes in my life directly related to the quarantine.  Maybe you can do the same thing.

The Good

I am enjoying the company of a good woman.  Each day we realize how much we appreciate each other and how grateful we are that we genuinely like each other.  We are not sick of being together.  Life is peaceful and easy, something neither of us has ever enjoyed in previous relationships.

We are safe in our home and we have enough food to last for the duration.

 

My social anxiety is so much better now that I am not having to deal with people on a daily basis.  I still have anxiety when I do video chats or group conversations but it seems less than when I am face to face.  It’s strange, you would think I would feel less anxious face to face but my brain doesn’t work that way.

I am being creative every day.  There is time and energy for me to work on my various projects.

I have rediscovered my love of baking.  I used to bake all the time. I found it relaxing and because my sugar addiction is more about candy than cookies and cakes I don’t need to worry about overindulging in my baked goods.  Belinda appreciates these new treats very much and it’s become another creative outlet for me.  

I am enjoying cooking meals for us every night.  We tend to go out to eat more frequently than is healthy for either of us, and it’s been good both from a health perspective and a financial one to eat at home. 

I have not spent a single dime since this all started.  I haven’t left the house.  I am building up my savings account in a completely unexpected way.

The Bad

With no structure to my days, I am not being terribly productive.  I need deadlines and appointments and accountability to really get anything done.  Writing this AtoZ blog is the only deadline I have and the only thing I have really accomplished.  I am being creative…just not finishing anything.  It’s all about the process right?

We stocked up on a lot of junky food at the beginning of all of this.  Chocolate, ice cream, candy, Cheese Puffs (Great Value Cheese Puffs from Walmart are way better than the brand name ones).  And this junk is very hard for me to resist.   Luckily I have not gained any weight for some reason which is strange because I am certainly not exercising!

I am afraid I am not going to want to get back to my life.  I am happy.  As mentioned in The Good.  I am worried about when this all ends and I have to go back to “normal”.

I miss my friends and I miss my choir and singing with them.

There is a pervasive unease inside me about the state of the world and how it will be going forward as well as a sadness about all of the bad fallout.

The Ugly

The girls are irrevocably migrating south after several weeks of freedom from the bra.   Now that I am in my 60’s my skin is not so elastic anymore.  I am not worried about this.  It is what it is.

I am having trouble keeping track of when I last showered ( I said it was The Ugly right)

Eventually, I will have to reassess my life and decide how I am going to live it after this is over.  What will I give up?  What will I keep?

So, yes, there is some fallout, some good, some bad, some ugly.  But I am truly grateful to be one of the privileged who can take the time to reflect and reassess, and rejuvenate instead of trying to survive.  I am learning to never take anything for granted and that is the best fallout of all isn’t it?